Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Forgiveness

Driving home from work yesterday
I thought of him.
My thoughts of him
are often wanting to beat
the shit out of him
if I ever see him again
like he did to me.
I was sixteen
he unleashed so much anger
hatred and violence
on my body
on my mind
on my life
on my soul
It was one of my first
experiences of romantic love
and I loved him
so much
and that experience of love
was destructive
and violent
it destroyed a part of me
Our last conversation
on the phone
after I had safely
gotten away from him
was me saying
“you shouldn’t have beaten
me like that.”
Him: “that’s between me and God.”
Me: “God didn’t hold me down
and beat the shit out of me, you did.”
Him: “that’s between me and God.”
My thoughts: “no, "I’m sorry", no regret?
No consolation for your part, your damage?”
Me: “you shouldn’t use God as a crutch.”
Us: Click....dial tone.
Me: Into my mother’s room. Crying.
Her: handing me a pillow
to beat the shit out of.
Yesterday: driving home.  Feeling like
I really can forgive now. Wishing him
a good life. Imagining if I ever saw him
instead of him having to go
to the hospital
and me prison
like I’ve played out many times
in my head,
me saying instead,
it’s ok, I forgive you.
He was and maybe is still
very sick, and miserable
he may be in terrible need of forgiveness
maybe not
but I am in terrible need
of forgiving
and I am in terrible need of
forgiveness from some others
and with one word they may not
even know they could release me
so should I not do the same for him?
I will probably through my life
have to remind myself
a million times
that I want to forgive
that I do forgive
and I want so much good
for all of us
and with those realizations
I heard a lock turn
and so much open up
and just knew everything
will be ok
now
maybe this will open
some beautiful things
my heart
and it feels good
different from any other time
before
compassion in action
so where ever you are
I forgive you
and it’s ok.

~Jenny

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