Tuesday, June 17, 2014

How It Feels To Have Chronic Fatigue

I open my eyes early
Monday thru Friday
to the classical music
station.

Usually a cat is lying on the bed.
I try to muster my strength.
Everything hurts.
Old age? Or, Chronic Fatigue?
I feel like a failure.
I feel like an old lady at 39.

I shuffle in for coffee,
my boyfriend is one of those
morning people
I try to be nice,
but some mornings
even to speak,
is a challenge.

The very act of pushing
the air it requires out
of my body to make the sounds
to communicate
is in itself
debilitating.

So I have taken up whispering
some mornings,
or just waving an apologetic
hand while shaking my head no.

Then comes the inner debate,
when was the last time I called in
sick, last week? 2 weeks ago?
Is this serious today, will there
be a worse day ahead I will need it more?

I feel guilty that it hurts too bad
to stoop down to pet my cats
to say good morning. It breaks
my heart.

I gather myself for make-up
clothes, walking to my car
which is sometimes too far away
for hurting joints, or weak muscles.

I tell myself, I can pull this
out of my ass today.
I can create a fucking miracle
and pull this off just today.

I can crash when I get home.
So I get home, and there is
no time, no energy for anything
more other than dinner,
and the basics.  There is no time.
Because there is no energy.

I wonder if I will be able to do
anything on the weekend.
Or if I will feel like shit then too.

Now mind you, this is not
everyday, and perhaps not
even every week,
but when it hits, it hits.
And there is nothing I can do.
It robs my life. It robs the people
and things I love.

~Jenny

No comments: