my thoughts turn to you today, I think of that house and your land when I think of Ohio and my childhood at this time of year, the beautiful Burgundy Cadillac carefully pulled out of the garage into the cold, with bright sun dancing off snow, the smell of white leather so pristine and clean, the ritual and habit of it all so comforting, and dependable, the extra strong hugs, thank you.

preparing for the new year

I have a feeling
that 2012
is going to be
a phenomenal year
of amazing and
unknown dreams
come true......
As well as the known
dreams, wants, heart felt
desires
I feel it
I smile to it
I feel in peace of it
here is a list of a few things
so far that I would like
to do in 2012

*hang a dream catcher above our bed
*learn hand-writing analysis
*set up an arts and crafts area with new desk
*take a real honest to goodness art class at a college
*practice perfecting new hair styles
*practice cooking more (simple) homemade meals
(not frozen or from a box = )

that’s it for now

~Jenny

I Am Lazy & Unambitious

He who has more, has more to loose. Or something like that. As I was working on my first paint by number kit last night, I realized that I do not want one so difficult. I don’t want to have to mix colors, I just want to leisurely paint~because, I am lazy! I don’t so much like a challenge anymore.  I have recently fully embraced the fact that I am lazy, and lack ambition. I used to feel like less than because of this, that I was always missing the boat, that everyone else was ahead of me and that I was a looser. I used to think it was my alcohol consumption that was to blame for this fact. Part of it was. Now that I don’t drink I am more prone to go out and buy nice things for the apartment that I have been wanting for a long time, or nice clothes for myself. I get more simple everyday things done and my life is more organized.

But I am still lazy, the only difference now is that I am coming to accept this about myself and even embrace it.  Especially in these times, I realize that my laziness and lack of ambition have served me well. While others are struggling to pay that mortgage, or make that car payment, or pay credit card bills, I have peace of mind. My lack of ambition to own my own home, to have all the latest and greatest, to have a new car ( I drive an eclectic 1990 Mercedes that cost me $1300.00 I paid cash = ) means that I have nothing to loose right now. My debt is one payment away from being paid off. If I want something nowadays I go with the slow and steady modo, I buy things here and there, and I pay cash on the barrel. I slowly build a better life and things are more meaningful and valuable to me that way.

I don't take on more challenges than I logically know will just make me miserable, or that I will dread being committed to. I have no illusions about what I am really capable of, or in reality will want to see through. I will do things when and how I want to, and not a moment before. If it requires too much effort and is optional, it won't be done, at least not right now = )

So today, I don’t feel like such a loser, I feel like a very lucky girl. Lazy and unambitious, but happy and lucky. I don’t want or expect a lot out of life. And I fully embrace and even dare say love, my laziness. Viva Le Sloths!
~Jenny

I May Not Be Crazy Afterall

A little about what goes on in sobriety.
The following are symptoms (from Wikipedia) are part of Post Acute Withdraw aka Protracted Withdraw.
I have had a few episodes lately where I felt that I could not function properly,
my mind would simply not cooperate with me. These come and go. I feel pretty
good today~and have for the first time in a while starting having a desire to
connect with the people I care about again.  I feel I can think a little more
clearly, and look at things from others points of view too.

Something someone said recently really sticks with me today. There are no
feelings or thoughts that are right or wrong, you can't always rely on what
you are thinking or feeling at the moment.

I think in some respects, my withdraw, causes me to withdraw.
Animals lick their wounds when they are injured. This is only perfectly
natural during a regeneration process. But it helps to come out
of the den every once in a while to let my comrades know
how I am doing. And to find out how THEY are doing as well.

• Psychosocial dysfunction
• Anhedonia^[19]
• Depression
• Impaired interpersonal skills
• Obsessive-compulsive behaviour
• Feelings of guilt
• Autonomic disturbances
• Pessimistic thoughts
• Impaired concentration
• Lack of initiative
• Craving
• Inability to think clearly
• Memory problems
• Emotional overreactions or numbness
• Sleep disturbances
• Physical coordination problems
• Stress sensitivity
• Increased sensitivity to pain
• Panic disorder^[14]
• Generalised anxiety disorder^[14]

Symptoms occur intermittently, but are not always present. They are made worse by stress or other triggers and may arise at unexpected times and for no apparent reason. They may last for a short while or longer. Any of the following may trigger a temporary return or worsening of the symptoms of post acute withdrawal syndrome:^{[citation needed]}

• Stressful and/or frustrating situations
• Multitasking
• Feelings of anxiety, fearfulness or anger
• Social Conflicts
• Unrealistic expectations of oneself
• Too much on your to-do list

Love,
Jenny

About 10 Months In

This is a quote from someone on one of the forums I frequent for people who quit drinking~

"the other pivotal event was the realization that even though i wasn't drinking and drugging anymore i was still an addict and would always be dealing with the trauma(sometimes) of not being able to do things in half measures...all or none, like a nerve firing...on the bus or off the bus...which is it...aristotelian moderation is not an option so i better damn well find something acceptable to be addicted to...books...i always liked to read...even in the depths of the addiction there were books...in the last twenty-five years no one has ever walked up to me and shouted " have you been reading again?" or " how many books have you had today?"...

I love it! "how many books have you read today? Are you reading again?" So and so said they saw you walking out of the library! hehe

I've been thinking about starting a blog Chronicling my sober journey~letting cats out of the bag, and sorting through all the big, messy, wonderful shit of it all called life. I think that's my next step.

~Jenny

Jack

Would love to be in San Fran today
drinking beer in a bar with Jack Kerouac
it would only be a moment in time
truth wanders in that everyone 
eventually goes home
starts families
and such

poor Jack is left alone
at the counter with wrinkles
surrounded by younger birds
the newest flock to fly in

he is old
spent
ruddy
sad

has finally figured out
why he does not trust anyone
you see
this is not so at all

he just doesn’t
believe enough
in love
in his loveableness

that one can be loved so much
be worth all they are worth
seen for that
that someone would never
ever
do that to him

listening to 60.’s music
just to get by
remembering Jack
and the gleam in his eye
that soon dimmed to regret
until he died in his ma’s house
with a wife, and a pet

~Jenny