Sunday, December 10, 2017
(Image from a card my mom--Laura Miller--Poet, Writer, Artist made for me)
"Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far...far far away from here." -Jenny--from Forest Gump
Some days we just have to call it a wash. This is one of those days. You stop and ask yourself--what do I need to do to take care of myself today? I only have to make it through these 8 hours. There is coffee, there is a warm shawl I can wrap myself in, there is acceptance that I cannot do my best today. I got out of bed, got dressed, I showed up. Some days that has to be enough.
I think of things to cope, like envisioning a beautiful forest scene only I can see beyond the wall I face every day. I can see into this place anytime I want. And moments, the ones that become part of your soul. What are your moments? Here is mine today:
I am a young girl, much stronger, magical, and hopeful than I am today. I am with my family in Mammoth Mountain on summer vacation. We hike up to a plateau surrounded by tall mountains that are covered in an endless sea of dark evergreen tree friends standing at attention, watching. There are clouds in the sky with the sun poking through. I venture a little ways by myself, and stand on the plateau, those I love more than anything not so far away. The wind picks up and begins to blow through my little girl soul, through my hair, through the millions of trees on the steep mountain slopes, and there is the gentle rore of the wind blowing though trees sound, when all else is silent. It is strong, powerful, it is peaceful. It is one of my moments. I will go there, and that is where I will live today.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
It’s like climbing a sheer rock cliff.
Sometimes there is a place to stick
The tips of my toes, no matter
How small, to hoist myself up just
A little farther to the top.
Sometimes there is absolutey
No..fucking…hole or crevice.
I stay stranded there in my gear
Ropes still, not knowing what
Repel down and start again?
Stay suspended, paralyzed,
And what is at the top anyways?
Why am I climbing this cliff in
The first place?
Perhaps there is no small crevice
Or hole, because humans were
Not meant to climb cliffs anyways.
Time to repel down, give up the futility
Drop my gear, change my clothes
and walk away?
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Come as you are
You are invited
To live YOUR life as
YOU see fit
Show up empty handed
Nothing required of you
To be here, at eternity o’clock
You will be welcomed with open arms
By the seen and the unseen
Sunday, November 15, 2015
You take your chances
You roll the dice
You might win…for now
You might lose.
If you lose,
What’s your next game?
What are your odds?
Even if they’re against you,
You still play the game,
If you have that itch,
That twitch, that feeling
To bet on horse number two.
This is life.
You have to keep betting
You have to keep playing
You have to keep planning
Your way out.
Because what’s the alternative?
The alternative is to do nothing.
And you can die a slow painful
Inner death doing nothing.
So you lost this one.
You’ve lost for years now.
Winning streaks don’t last forever,
Neither do loosing.
There’s another game on the horizon
If you look for it.
You’ll live through it to roll
Your dice another day.
Maybe, just maybe one of these days,
…… snake eyes.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Bored with the internet, bored with the struggles.
I have reached a strange place in my life.
There is too much information out there.
We are bombarded every day.
For example, I was just surfing the net.
Articles about topics that used to interest me
Like Ceres, there are new pictures.
Do I want to read this long ass article? No.
Because they aren’t going to tell us what those lights are.
Do I want to read the article about Russian planes by
US Navy ship? No because nothing has happened and
Do I want to read the article about how California could
Potentially have a massive earthquake due to faults in the
Ocean? No because it hasn’t happened and might not.
I have experienced intense sparkling light and dark night of
Soul in being a drunkard , drug addict, promiscuous sex, men.
Over came these and the overcoming of them was a topic
For years. Now it seems a non issue. I am bored with the
Fact it all happened, and I am finally bored of the overcoming of it.
So what’s next? I can understand now why there is this huge universe,
Possibly multiversus and infinite possibilities, because being a human
Becomes boring after a time.
I have reached a state of blissful apathy.
I don’t care anymore that I have been struggling to work for almost a year.
I don’t care anymore that my partner has been out of work for
Over 5 years. I’m tired of the stress and the struggle.
So I gently renounce it.
I will do the next best thing for survival, but this apathy thing
Feels kind of nice.
I just admitted to myself and God in the wee hours of the dark
Morning how very hard the last year has really been.
It was not safe to go there until now, but I felt how very painful
And grueling it has all been day after day, night after night.
And it didn’t break me. It was just facing stark reality in a safe place.
And I was able to have compassion for myself.
So this bordom feels somewhat like an epiphany,
It’s warm and light, it’s who I truly am at my core,
Is this a form of enlightenment? Everything has been
Stripped away now, and all that remains is LOVE.
I watched Starman with my man last night.
In it the alien says they have been watching us for
Quite some time, we are a beautiful and unique species,
In that we are at our best when things are at their worst.
These days I find the only thing that brings me true happiness
And unbores me, is helping others where I can. Spending time
With those I love, and loving them. Showing the young what
Has made me truly happy in my life past and present.
I’m ok with that. This is where I have reached, sitting under a
Boring tree of apathy, boredom and finding love.
Perhaps humans are the only species in the universe
That can love.