Sunday, November 15, 2015

You take your chances

You roll the dice

You might win…for now

You might lose.


If you lose,

What’s your next game?

What are your odds?

Even if they’re against you,

You still play the game,

If you have that itch,

That twitch, that feeling

To bet on horse number two.


This is life.

You have to keep betting

You have to keep playing

You have to keep planning

Your way out.

Because what’s the alternative?

The alternative is to do nothing.

And you can die a slow painful

Inner death doing nothing.


So you lost this one.

That’s ok.

You’ve lost for years now.

Winning streaks don’t last forever,

Neither do loosing.


There’s another game on the horizon

If you look for it.

You’ll live through it to roll

Your dice another day.


Maybe, just maybe one of these days,

…… snake eyes.




Tuesday, June 2, 2015



Bored with the internet, bored with the struggles.

I have reached a strange place in my life.

There is too much information out there.

We are bombarded every day.

For example, I was just surfing the net.

Articles about topics that used to interest me

Like Ceres, there are new pictures.

Do I want to read this long ass article? No.

Because they aren’t going to tell us what those lights are.

Do I want to read the article about Russian planes by

US Navy ship? No because nothing has happened and

Probably won’t.

Do I want to read the article about how California could

Potentially have a massive earthquake due to faults in the

Ocean? No because it hasn’t happened and might not.


I have experienced intense sparkling  light and dark night of

Soul in being a drunkard , drug addict, promiscuous sex, men.

Over came these and the overcoming of them was a topic

For years. Now it seems a non issue. I am bored with the

Fact it all happened, and I am finally bored of the overcoming of it.

So what’s next? I can understand now why there is this huge universe,

Possibly multiversus and infinite possibilities, because being a human

Becomes boring after a time.

I have reached a state of blissful apathy.

I don’t care anymore that I have been struggling to work for almost a year.

I don’t care anymore that my partner has been out of work for

Over 5 years. I’m tired of the stress and the struggle.

So I gently renounce it.

I will do the next best thing for survival, but this apathy thing

Feels kind of nice.

I just admitted to myself and God in the wee hours of the dark

Morning how very hard the last year has really been.

It was not safe to go there until now, but I felt how very painful

And grueling it has all been day after day, night after night.

And it didn’t break me. It was just facing stark reality in a safe place.

And I was able to have compassion for myself.

So this bordom feels somewhat like an epiphany,

It’s warm and light, it’s who I truly am at my core,

Is this a form of enlightenment? Everything has been

Stripped away now, and all that remains is LOVE.

Just love.

I watched Starman with my man last night.

In it the alien says they have been watching us for

Quite some time, we are a beautiful and unique species,

In that we are at our best when things are at their worst.

These days I find the only thing that brings me true happiness

And unbores me, is helping others where I can. Spending time

With those I love, and loving them. Showing the young what

Has made me truly happy in my life past and present.

I’m ok with that. This is where I have reached, sitting under a

Boring tree of apathy, boredom and finding love.

Perhaps humans are the only species in the universe

That can love.
-- Jenny





Sunday, May 31, 2015

"It is a mystery that we die each night, whether by ourselves or next to a loved one, only to be resurrected each morning and do it all over again." -- J.A. Miller

Tuesday, March 3, 2015


In a constant dance

On this revolving ball

Being thrown off

Make it stop spinning

Just make it all stop

Being held down

Against your will

Release me

Release me

Then once again

Hurtled into space

Screaming at the top of

Your lungs

Into a vacuum

Then perhaps

The sweet peace

Of release



Becomes both friend

And foe


Monday, December 22, 2014

How I Feel About Life Today

I have been going through my writings the last few days. A big thick manila folder, and that's not even counting all the stuff on my blog, or the countless journals I have kept through the years. I'm going to start posting some older stuff and see how it goes. Stuff that has never seen the light of day. I would like to write a book, if I could get my shit together about it. This is a dream I've had for so long, and after talking to a good friend today who was there through most of my adventures, and I told him I'm just trying to figure out what to do with my life right now, he mentioned that I should  write a book about my life and all the crazy relationships I've had and everything I've been through. He said it might help somebody. It's already written in those journals, I just have to find a way to put it together.

How I Feel About Life Today
August 4th, 2008

I see a guy today walking up the street crossing the railroad tracks drinking from a bottle encased in a brown paper bag. He is wearing business casual clothes, not really a bum. The look on his face is not  one of despair, happiness, or agony, it is nothing. It's that look that says, Fuck it, I just gave up...and I'm Ok with that. I pass him while I'm driving and I think, maybe that should be me. Maybe right now I should just ditch my car, buy a bottle in a brown paper bag, and be the non-happy but not unhappy. I forgot this is an option, just not a very good one, and like my Kerouac, lying by the side of the railroad tracks in San Bernardino in the 50's, alone, broke and crying, there is a price to pay for everything.

But, my friend, which breaks you worse? The daily grind of trying to figure out how to pay your bills, put a roof over your head, where your next tank of gas is going to come from, what to do after you loose your job, all the while getting up each day, going through the motions, grabbing your coffee and heading out to work in a world that is not built for the vulnerable? Or, saying fuck it, walking up a busy highway, with a bottle in a daze, leaving it all behind, if only for a while. When Kathy Hilton criticizes John Mc Cain today for his insensitive humor in his recent ad campaign due to "millions of people losing their homes and their jobs," maybe it's time for us all to grab a fucking bottle and paper bag and make our way to the railroad. If the rich start caring that much, you know we're screwed.

~Jenny Miller

Saturday, December 20, 2014

The Actress

Set Scene:
Here we have a dimly lit booth

With chair in a marble setting.

Enter actress, queue spotlight

Upon seat, head down.


The actress in a lesser role.

Starving artist

Starving from the soul.


She forgets her lines

The audience waits in silence

Pensive silence.

She forgets her lines

Not because she is a drunk

This time

But because sometimes

Those with complex minds

Have difficulties

Doing the simplest things.


Behind stage one night

She cries

The director asks what is the matter

She says that in all this time she has

Never so badly wanted a drink

“Why?” he yells

“What would that solve, why do you

Want to drink again?!”

“Because I’m an alcoholic” she screams.


There is no drink that night

Just sullen silence.


She gets into costume the next day

The scene is set again.

Booth, soft lights, marble, fellow actors

And actresses entering

And exiting stage

The audience watching


Yet no one knows, this is not

The play itself

This is not the grand role

She was meant to play

This….is a dress rehearsal

If only the critics understood that

As they give their reviews


No one knows what goes on

Behind the scenes

No one understands

The true character

Of the actress






Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Some may have heard of practicing a program of rigorous honesty

Me, at the cusp of 40, trying to practice a program of

Rigorous selfishness

I have to remind myself of this on days like today

When something doesn’t feel right

When I don’t want to do something

Because inside I know it’s all bullshit

And just for appearances and such

I have to ask myself

Is this in line with living an authentic  life

Cause after all this time

You owe yourself an authentic life

That means no fucking faking

Cause your afraid of what people will think

And you want to keep up appearances

And someone’s feelings might get hurt

It’s time to lay all that to rest.

If people really knew, they would thank you

For being genuine.

A program of rigorous selfishness

Means I still help the people I love

I am helpful by nature

It means that I don’t do optional

If it feels like I will not be true

To myself and others

I have quit my stage job

I’m just an unemployed actress now

Looking for a new profession