Sunday, October 27, 2013

Frankie & Johnny

I really relate to Frankie in this movie. She said everything I ever wanted to say
about these things,,,,,but couldn't.

I still have a scar on my arm. A small faint one from when I was a teenager, in love with
a crazy abusive man. You think it would go away. But maybe it stays there to remind me.
I had a dream last night that I showed it to someone.
It was made with a knife a friend gave me to protect myself for the next time I got beat.
Instead, the abusive man took it from, and used it against me. Thus the scar.
It was a beautiful knife. Silver, with a silver sheath embossed with deer.

I see now, looking back on my past, all the times, the few, that I was alone.
I really wanted to be, equally wanting to be with someone too.
Like Frankie.

Frankie also asked Johnny why everyone always assumes that when a woman is messed up,
that they think it was from something that happened to her when she was a girl.
She said that you can get damaged as a woman too.


Tuesday, October 22, 2013

October 22nd

Today is my wedding Anniversary. I have been divorced for over a decade. On years past, I would look on this day with sadness and regret. But as I sat on the patio this morning, drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarette, contemplating, I realized how different I feel about it this year. It’s not about him, or the wedding, or the divorce. It’s about the day. It was one of the best days of my life.

I was a broken girl just a short time before I met him and he proposed. Shy of a year out of rehab and sober from a terrible ordeal of drug addiction, physical abuse, and wandering without a home for a few months. I met him as I began to rebuild my life. And that day signified a coming out of sorts. A delayed Quincearnera, a Batmitzvah, and a right of passage. A day that said I was safe in beautiful world again.

It was about family. We were all together. That is what I remember most now. How everyone was supportive even though they may have had their doubts. My twin brother crying as I walked up the Aisle, the picture we all took with our family dog Rudy in the house we mostly grew up in, my older sister my maid of honor who pulled my underwear out of my butt cause I couldn’t reach around my wedding dress. My other sister who brought me tea that morning as I sat smoking in my Snoopy nighty nervous as hell.

They all accommodated me even if they knew I may not have had the clearest picture of what I was about to do. They made the day so special.

The ceremony was in an old little chapel in the foothills of the mountains. The Chapel of The Wildwood. Everybody came, even my mom’s aunt and uncle, Uncle Dewey who sang, “Let Me Call You Sweetheart.” My aunt, cousin, my grandfather who made it even though he was sick.

The reception took place in an old winery mansion. My father gave me a fairy tale wedding. That is what is important. I will never need a fairy tale wedding again, because he gave me one. I remember riding to the ceremony with him in my grandfather’s old Cadillac, and on the way I remembered the story my mother told about her wedding day when my grandfather drove her to the church and told her she didn’t have to do this if she didn’t want to, that they could go to Florida instead.

I forgot my bouquet. That was one of my regrets, because my dad had to go back and get it. As I walked down the Aisle, and saw everyone I love around me and in front of me, I was the once broken girl living a princess day. It was beautiful.

Towards the end of the reception, me, him, and my mom and dad gathered in a circle as Forever Young played. It was an important moment. A moment of love, of them letting go, of them being able to breath knowing I was better and that I was safe.

I will never forget what they all did for me that day. And what a fun wonderful time it was. I will remember it until the day I die, on this day, October 22nd, and then some.


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

None of us likes change, do we?
No matter how uncomfortable we are
in our current situation, the prospect of
change is feared as even more uncomfortable,
and unknown and a new discomfort.
We might be forced to suffer a temporary
upheaval of our beliefs, our routines
what we know as familiar and what
we know we can expect everyday.

Against the current popular voice,
even against my past beliefs,
I will say that I believe that what we
are going through is a paradigm shift
as a country. I have always felt
we worked too many hours, we have a
skewed idea of what is really important
in life.

I have read in many books about this moment,
that the old energy will die, but it will go
kicking and screaming. And it is going
kicking and screaming along with the rest of us.

Will we loose our jobs? Will our hours get cut?
Will we end up going through a dark period
of the unknown? Temporary struggle and
doing without some luxuries, maybe even
some necessities, to come out into a new world
that is governed by a new energy that no longer
caters to the few, but to the many?

We will see. But I really do believe this
is a paradigm shift, and it’s time for
the wrinkly old rich men who are greedy
and self serving to move out of the house,
and for the next generation who care
about the good of the whole
to move in.
And we all know....moving sucks.
But do we really want to stay
in the house we have been
living in forever?