Thursday, September 23, 2010

I Want To Live In A Cardboard House

I used to play office when I was a little girl.
I loved answering my imaginary phone
and talking to imaginary Mrs. So and so.
And bossing my little friends around.
I even made a play computer one time
out of an old cardboard box.
That computer could do anything
and never crashed.
I loved scribbling on papers
that were posing as important
office documents.
One day, one of my friends got fed up with me
and left.
I guess I wasn’t a good boss.
Things needed to be done my way, dammit,
or they weren’t done at all.
If only I knew back then–
would I still have spent my playtime
playing a career type game?
I also built a cardboard house,
I had huge visions
and worked months on this
with my friend Wynne Wong.
I wanted carpet, wallpaper,
and chandelier, windows
and furniture.
I was obsessed.
When we finally put it all together,
it collapsed on us.
I still remember the smell from that day
out there on the lawn.
It was overcast
I knew we weren’t entirely ready
but if I had kept at trying to achieve
such an adult vision
with little girl resources
we would still be at it today.
I guess back then I didn’t consider
that there would be utility bills
a mortgage or rent
Now as an adult I dream of playing
as a little girl
living a life of freedom
and creativity.
It’s strange how things work out.
I'm trying to grow up.
I really am.


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Farmer's Wife

I found this on-line when doing a search for "farmer's wife" pictures for this post.  Perfect-I'm seriously considering reading this book. It's a "Herlequin Super Romance". What has my life come to?  Book club---anybody? 

“Who am I, Why am I here”
rolling on the floor
side splitting
as if
a book
could tell you
the answer
I wish I was a farmers wife
at this point in my life
I could get as plump as I wanted
cause women are scarce
on the farm
and plump frames
with hair in a bun
and half falling down knee-hi’s
are sexy
when you’re it
and the only competition
are cows
stray cats
and pigs
I could bake pies
in the afternoon
and rustle up
some fat filled breakfast
for my man
I could feed the chickens
here chick-chick-chick
and milk the cow
and herd the bunnies
my shoes
and clicking
on the wood floor
of course
he would play his fiddle
at night
and smoke a pipe
like pa
on little-house
and love me
and take care of me
for taking care of him
and fixin
his meals
and mending his clothes
and providing
woman’s talk
I would like to be
a farmer’s wife.


If I Had Words

If God was a man, would he sing and dance for us?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A Morning Gift From The Universe

I woke up this morning after strange dreams
and as I was recalling them
and washing my hands
in half darkness of morning
something moved on the toothpaste cup
and at first startled me
Until I noticed it was a gift
and I was filled with awe and excitement
It was a small Praying Mantis
He was gently carried outside
on the toothbrush cup
and put on a leaf
here is what an on-line article had to say about
the symbolism and message of 
the Praying Mantis

Praying Mantis Meanings in the Realms of Animal Symbolism
The mantis comes to us when we need peace, quiet and calm in our lives. Usually the mantis makes an appearance when we've flooded our lives with so much business, activity, or chaos that we can no longer hear the still small voice within us because of the external din we've created.
After observing this creature for any length of time you can see why the symbolism of the praying mantis deals with stillness and patience. The mantis takes her time, and lives her life at her own silent pace.
These traits have lead the mantis to be a symbol of meditation and contemplation. In fact, in China, the mantis has long been honored for her mindful movements.
The mantis never makes a move unless she is 100% positive it is the right thing for her to do. This is a message to us to contemplate and be sure our minds and souls all agree together about the choices we are making in our lives.
Overwhelmingly in most cultures the mantis is a symbol of stillness. As such, she is an ambassador from the animal kingdom giving testimony to the benefits of meditation, and calming our minds.
An appearance from the mantis is a message to be still, go within, meditate, get quite and reach a place of calm. It may also a sign for you to be more mindful of the choices you are making and confirm that these choices are congruent.

and here is what I have to say about Praying Mantis :

Praying Mantis
what is your gift
so still
and gentle
slowly crawling
my unconscious
open hand
as I review
the dreams
from the dreaming time
and you show up
to interrupt
or validate
the deep thoughts
in my head
thank you
crawl slowly
I will try too
be gentle
in thoughts
and actions
and crawl slowly
you are in my heart


Monday, September 20, 2010

There is a blue vein
in the heart
where the blood flows
and four chambers
that pump
and pump
these chambers
get stopped up
and the blue vein
and it takes your breath away
for a moment
and you wonder
if you are having
a heart attack
or if your heart
is broken


Friday, September 17, 2010

Morning Epiphanies

So take back the Ganges
I don’t want it anymore
the house
all of it
the uglies of life
wondering why
in my twenties
I got drunk
I was in my twenties
going to work
with a hangover
feeling like Pinnochio
and wishing for
some blue fairy
to come down
and turn me into
a real live girl
if that blue fairy
came down today
I would tell her she’s late
and that
I was just
in my twenties
that's all
doing what
in their twenties

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.

...... Abraham Lincoln

Thursday, September 16, 2010

More On The Old New Age

It springs from our need for ritual. Like our ancestors, our pagan ancestors lite fires, moved swayed and danced to the stars and the wind in the trees.  So we pull out the crystals, and the colors, and the chants, meditations, stones, cushions, postures, music, secret formulas. With the world crumbling around us we try to will everything into the hands of invisible beings who speak through actresses and greedy hands. We must have something to believe in.  Is it not enough to see the stars in the sky and know that there is a force between them, holding them up, burning them bright, holding up the earth moving the planets stirring the universe in a mixture of chaos and order.  Shhhh... don’t tell anyone what you have seen here, I was told when I was little to explain the indent we all have in our upper lip, Jesus’s fingerprint telling us to forget so that we can come live this life but not telling us why.  And whether he put that mark there or not...there is still a huge resounding SHHHHHHHH, quiet, everyone, quiet, so that we can hear it when it comes.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Lot's Wife

She set out on the dirt path
sandals in hand because she liked to walk barefoot
and feel the wet earth on her soles.
The city burned behind her and she did not look back
for fear of turning into a pillar of salt
but she knew what burned there
disease, disappointments, stale acquaintances
that were once friends, close friends
she wondered what her life would be like now
now that she was free
and her story was finished, or at least
the first volume could be laid to rest.
What lye ahead she did not know, as she trudged on
with her long brown hair and white gauze dress.
Her steps were lighter and slightly hurried,
as if she had escaped disaster, or a concentration camp.
Clouds lie ahead, moving in with rain that would put
the burning city out, leaving only wet cinders
and quietness at last.
The air smelled of earth and plants and freshness.
She walked on for a while longer,
then dropped her sandals, with a smile
and walked straight up into the cosmos
amongst the planets and twinkling stars
the swirls of colors and galaxies
and rainbows and strange space birds
she was not home yet
but many steps closer.


Spontaneous Anyone?

Let's fly to England
and blow all your money
first we have to get passports
that can take a while
then we have to figure out
how to exchange currency
for those pound things
and find a place to stay
and maybe get some insurance..
oh...and put our shit in storage
and make sure all our debts are paid
then there is the matter of jobs
we can't just very well leave them
in a wink and a good wish
that would look horrible
on a resume
fuck it
I guess dreams
never respect reality
maybe we should just stay home
where it's "safe"

An Impossible State

"The one thing that we yearn for in our living days, that makes us sigh and groan and undergo sweet nauseas of all kinds, is the remembrance of some lost bliss that was probably experienced in the womb and can only be reproduced (though we hate to admit it) in death." ~Jack Kerouac

Monday, September 13, 2010

The New Age Is Dead

Look at the fruits of this
what are the fruits of this
beauty, peace, harmony?
Or impatience,
increasing anger
and despair
disconnection with
fellow man
an increasing lack
of tolerance
and kindness
and love
can this be good?
Look at how it feels inside
it is not right
because heart and soul
say it is not right
or the fruits would be different
such a grip
so subtle
so much confusion
is not good fruit
so many others
sitting here
at their desks
so unhappy too
so unfulfilled
so drained
from the sucking
the sucking
of your force
of your desire
to help and do good
the more you let them see it
the more they take
so you have to pretend
that you don’t have any answers
and that you don’t care
or they will suck it all out
until it is gone
and you don’t have any left
for the rest of the world
or even for yourself.

I woke up with this song in my head this morning  "have you been half asleep, and have you heard voices, I've heard them calling my name."  Very deep song for a frog.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Great Aunts

down the basement steps
the smell of potluck
there they sat
with their beers
and cigarettes
the darkness of her hair
jet black
and nostrils
so dark and deep
beneath a curved nose
perhaps we were descended
from witches, gypsies
a secret Jewish sect
the dark Irish
this we knew for certain
her eyes pierced me
as if I had done something wrong
as if I had committed
the most heinous act
in all the world
just for being born
I was afraid she was a witch
and would cast a terrible spell
upon me
I could not help but revel
in the mysteriousness
of it all
they looked like no one
I had ever seen before
such a contrast to my grandfather
whose hair was black too
but was soft, funny, and loving
and so different from
my grandmothers sister
who too was smoking
and drinking beers
and cackling as she laughed
sitting on men's laps
with red lipstick
and smiles
will my hair turn jet black
as I get older
will I become the mysterious
witch, gypsy
dark Irish
with nostrils
so deep
and foreboding
my profile
the only evidence
of their nose


Friday, September 3, 2010

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Accidental Sage

“We do what we can”
he says.
Good advice
I try too hard
today I am focusing
on not being a perfectionist
I have to constantly remind myself
when I push to do more
than I really need to
in each situation
“we do what we can”
and leave it at that
it saves me from making myself
and from making those around me


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Pippi Disenchanted

She sat me down, with a long face
and said we need to talk.
I bit my lip
and started twirling my braids
with nervousness
She’s the grown up here
I don’t like grown ups

“It’s time for a change Pippi,
we’re running out of gold coins,
Villa Kulla is in disrepair,
Tommy and Annika have gone off
to college and started families of their own. 
Gone are the days, fading they are,
that we could run around town, with wild abandon,
eating candy, buying toys.
Gone are the days that Conrad’s super glue
could fix everything and hold it all together.”

I just sat there, spinning round and round
on my stool.  She said we have to get a real job,
she said we have to make some plans.
She said, we have to do something.
I didn’t cry, because Pippi’s don’t cry.
I thought about running away from home,
but the hot air balloon bed, flying car
and bicycle with no wheels
aren’t working anymore.

So I shook on it, looking into her scared,
grown up eyes, and I promised her
that I would try,
and be that voice to help her
feel strong when she felt scared
to go on interviews, to walk into big places.
To help her when she was feeling afraid
of grown ups,
and make jokes behind their backs
to make her laugh, until one day,
we can live in Villa Kulla again,
and eat candy all day,
search for Schpunks,
and make the mayor eat dandelions
in his sleep.


Poem by host of Star Gazer--Jack Horkheimer

Uncharted suns and planets past all counting,
whirling, twirling down unnumbered years,
nations by the trillion, faintly guessed at,
come and gone and still more yet to be:


Far as man made eyes can reach
and farther.......
perched and poised peer through the night
and seem to beg, plead, cry out in our stead


If only for one Speck of Time
.......................Speck of Space



J. Foley A. Horkheimer