Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Dangerous Complacency

I know things can be hard anywhere we go
I just need a different kind of hard right now
a potential for hardness or happiness
somewhere else.

I'm ready for a new set of problems.
I'm tiring of these old ones.
They, frankly, are getting boring,

If a new thing is hard,
that's ok,
I just want hard
somewhere else.


Tuesday, March 27, 2012


It’s no secret
not anymore
still float there
would it have
been different
in the home state
or is there
two different
or perhaps
those were the days
when my hand
fit in yours
it is no secret
I wanted to be
little forever.


Friday, March 23, 2012


So the below post was very emotional.
I asked for help from on high to a very
wise and spiritual woman
who wrote many Lessons
where I work.  She was a
spiritual teacher. 
When I asked for help from her,
and opened one of the books she
had written,
this is the answer I read and received:

"Never, never, never hate! If you cannot love, try to develop true neutral detachment after sending the person light, for hatred will establish an electromagnetic attraction between yourself and the hated one that must be overcome later on the mental level - a karmic tie."

I can send this person light.  I can try to detach myself from these feelings and situation mentally.  I don't have to spin my wheels trying to love this person. I just have to send them light and try to become neutral. What a great answer.


Dealing With Difficult People

Why does God put really challenging people in our lives?
People that make it hard to have nice loving thoughts
and actions with. People that are impossible.
I work with someone like this.
It has been an extreme struggle
throughout the years.
With no end, no lessons in sight.
Just constant challenges and aggravation.
I think this person has a very serious
mental condition.
It is the only explanation,
yet she has no sense of self
reflection or awareness.
She seems to think she can treat
people however she wants
and then is surprised when in her words
"she thought they were like her family,
or her friend" when they won't
talk to her or have anything to
do with her anymore.
It blows my mind.
At times it makes my life a living hell.
And when I begin to act how I really
feel, she constantly asks me whats wrong.
If I made something up, or told her
anything personal,
it would be talked about
to everyone else here.
So she will speculate something
insane, paranoid
and tell everyone that.
She comes into my office to gossip
and talk shit about people.
I won't bite. I don't play.
She is dangerous.
Mindlessly dangerous.
And no one will do anything about it.
I burst into tears last week over it
to my boss, not meaning to.
I just couldn't take it anymore.
Why does God put these challenges
in our lives? That make us have bad
thoughts?  I have tried everything
to deal with this, to try to make it better,
short of telling he how I feel,
which is,
I don't really care about the list you made
of what your family is going to eat for
dinner this week,
especially not after you are fucking
me over with your constant challenges.
I am not your friend, I don't like you
I can't stand you.
Don't come in and talk to me.
It's obviously making me crazy.


Thursday, March 22, 2012

Some Things I Am Chewing On

Watching a show on Wayne Dyers
"Wishes Fulfilled" last night
he said something that really struck a cord
with me.

He was talking about an interview he did with a reporter who asked him “so I can do ANYTHING I want if I practice what you are saying. I can become a line backer for the NY JETS if I want?”

Wayne Dyer responded with “does that feel natural to you?”  He talked about if things we wanted to do feel natural to us. If we can really see ourselves doing them and feeling how it would feel.

Do the goals I'm trying to achieve right now feel natural to me? Honestly, not really. But it’s hard because I’ve felt led do set out on some new ventures, ones I have started.  But maybe they are not right for me. Am I trying to compensate for the things I have not completed in my life?

Maybe I didn’t complete them because they did not feel Natural. Like massage therapy, I liked doing that for a while, but then I realized I was really stretching the core of who I am by holding myself to that. At times I feel very badly about this because someone else paid for my schooling and invested in me.

And Forestry. It was a struggle over 10 years ago when I was trying to achieve that. School Programs got cancelled. I made a substitution for Horticulture, not something, looking back at it I truly wanted to do.  And can I really imagine myself building trails, reading maps, doing Math, Math! For Christ’s sake, I hate math.

Does it feel natural, I really don’t know.  Is there something else I am supposed to get out of this? But then I think, life is short. Do I really want to go to school for a year and invest all of that, time, money, struggling with my fears and social anxiety, just to say, I did it?

In the wild, animals have a nitch.  A nitch is defined as:
niche   )
4. Ecology
a. The function or position of an organism or population within an ecological community.
b. The particular area within a habitat occupied by an organism.

What and Where is my Niche? I know this is an age old question and affects many people in their lives. Do we take intuition, synchronicity as a sign? Do we follow it?

If I had a dream, I would say it would be to put on a uniform everyday, and stand in a booth at 17 Mile Drive in Carmel, and take money, give maps, even empty trash, ride around checking on things. If I could do anything I wanted, this would be it. And thinking of this feels natural for me. Working in the Angeles Forest, the most used forest in the country with it’s throngs of people, animals etc. I can’t see it, I can’t feel it.
I know, I am a crazy dreamer, and I don’t finish things.  But I can’t finish things just for the sake of finishing them.  Is the above a crazy dream? Unrealistic? I don’t know.  Should I chase it? See where this all takes me? I running out of time.


Monday, March 12, 2012

Lotus Pose

Decisions are different
as you grow up
growing up
is a term used for
growing inside

the soul
seeps through
the skin
this is good

I had the worst
ideas when I drank
ideas I thought
were great
when I was inebriated
living in my own
little world

Solutions back then
were disastrous
and impulsive

now I wait
and take care
of the small things
that are important
right now

times are hard
very hard
but the realization of that
in and of itself
is a strange comfort
because times
never stay well
or hard forever
good comes back in

me today...
New problems
are not created
by my reactions
or behavior
what is to be dealt
is all that is to be
dealt with
right now
and nothing more