Tuesday, March 29, 2011

beautiful natural smells
soothing music
fresh air
carpets cleaned
sheets washed
curtains blowing
sun setting
dove calling
stars appearing
on indigo sky
night comes
heat goes
coolness comes


Monday, March 28, 2011

Love & ghosts

Love makes me cry
she has been coming in my dreams
with the most crystal clear
iridescent blue eyes
I have ever seen

the first night
she held me on her lap
like a little baby
and told me things
all of which I cannot remember
still I know
they are locked safely in my soul

the second night
she came too
and shared more secrets
but I am somewhat disturbed

I feel that she is helping me
she was the last person
I thought would come to my rescue
but she is trying to tell me something too
about the origins of my struggles

they are not from the dark Irish side
but from a legacy that remains a mystery

but she tells me this each time
where the struggles come from
for us all

she is my paternal grandmother
the one whose name I carry
the one whose blood and DNA
I carry
but had so long forgotten
now from so far away
she comes as a maternal comforter
and helper

my boyfriend says
that I have fits in my sleep
when I am able to get any sleep at all
the night time work
is the hardest


Thursday, March 24, 2011


1. The quality of being discreet; circumspection. See Synonyms at prudence.
2. Ability or power to decide responsibly.
3. Freedom to act or judge on one's own.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

off the hook

perhaps the reason why I sometimes start sentences or lines off with a lower case letter is because I can, and I like to. Your not supposed to, it’s not the rules. It’s not perfect, but still gets what I want to say across.  I am trying to let go of perfection. I have become aware that I stress myself out about so many things because I want to do it perfect, and I want all to sit back in awww and proclaim....PERFECT! Dumb. I have not done so many things I wanted to because I wouldn’t do them until I could do them perfect. I would not have people over to my house...because it was not perfect. I recently baked bread (I don’t bake, so I don’t know why I did this) and realized I don’t like to cook because I am always so stressed about getting it perfect. So I just enjoyed making the bread and said to myself if the dough is not all mixed in fuck it. If it comes out tasting a little off, fuck it. I loved baking that bread and just enjoying the moment, pretending I was an Irish peasant woman.

I have to remind myself many times, “stop trying to do it perfect, the important thing is that it gets done in the first place.” there is beauty and vunerability in imperfection.  There is grace and heroism in actions.  There is a thrill in just living your life.  Here are some great quotes:

Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.  ~Harriet Braiker

Certain flaws are necessary for the whole.  It would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks.  ~Goethe

No one is perfect... that's why pencils have erasers.  ~Author Unknown

A man would do nothing if he waited until he could do it so well that no one could find fault.  ~John Henry Newman

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen

Sometimes... when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing.  ~From the television show Ally McBeal

Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.  ~Henry van Dyke

Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands.  But like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them you will reach your destiny.  ~Carl Schurz, address, Faneuil Hall, Boston, 1859

The most difficult part of attaining perfection is finding something to do for an encore.  ~Author Unknown

When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target.  ~George Fisher

Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence.  ~Rosalynn Carter

When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target.  ~George Fisher

Always live up to your standards - by lowering them, if necessary.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Striving to better, oft we mar what's well.  ~William Shakespeare, King Lear, 1605

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.  ~Salvador Dali

Congratulations!  You're not perfect!  It's ridiculous to want to be perfect anyway.  But then, everybody's ridiculous sometimes, except perfect people.  You know what perfect is?  Perfect is not eating or drinking or talking or moving a muscle or making even the teensiest mistake.  Perfect is never doing anything wrong - which means never doing anything at all.  Perfect is boring!  So you're not perfect!  Wonderful!  Have fun!  Eat things that give you bad breath!  Trip over your own shoelaces!  Laugh!  Let somebody else laugh at you!  Perfect people never do any of those things.  All they do is sit around and sip weak tea and think about how perfect they are.  But they're really not one-hundred-percent perfect anyway.  You should see them when they get the hiccups!  Phooey!  Who needs 'em?  You can drink pickle juice and imitate gorillas and do silly dances and sing stupid songs and wear funny hats and be as imperfect as you please and still be a good person.  Good people are hard to find nowadays.  And they're a lot more fun than perfect people any day of the week.  ~Stephen Manes, Be a Perfect Person in Just Three Days!

You see, when weaving a blanket, an Indian woman leaves a flaw in the weaving of that blanket to let the soul out.  ~Martha Graham

When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick.  ~Bill Lemley

Monday, March 21, 2011

Spent a beautiful wonderful cold and rainy day sleeping on the couch yesterday, then reading in bed, in my pajamas from morning till night, and loved every minute of it, as the cat napped in the chair next to me. The rain blew against the windows. The soft lights were on, the ones that make a home look and feel like a little cottage. Home filled with love and comfort. A day I needed so bad. This song kept running through my mind. It's cold and rainy here today too. But here I am at work, dreaming about being cozy and cuddled in bed.


Thursday, March 17, 2011

feel me in your heart
kneading the soil
planting the seeds
permeating the tissue
and the light

feel the clock ticking
in there
such a delicate
such a gentle sound
fueled by the breath

only I know
it will stop
it will flutter
it will break
it will burst forth
with love

I am the great
time keeper


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Butterflies & Ketchup

he wheeled a cart
with a bowl of ketchup
on it to a table across the room
where sat a Chinese woman
and her family
there was already ketchup
on the table
everyone knew it was just
to flirt with her
and I reeled off
a string of obscenities
with the gist of
F-you to him
and I knew
I could never compete
because I am not Chinese
you either are
or you aren’t

I escaped through a hole
he got there after

I noticed that I had
butterflies and hummingbirds
all over my body
I thought these were a natural
occurrence, like a mole
in these shapes
and I showed them to him
but then learned
that I had them tattooed
many years ago
the humming bird
with a huge red
gaudy heart next to it
on my mid right abdomen
over my rib cage
the butterflies
small and beautiful,
all over my chest


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Reef Road

slip and slides
smell of bleach
musty old basements
clothes that shrink
quiet closets
with windows
to spend time alone in
sewing cards
with animals
pink canopies
2 big trees
I was the messenger
the earth rolling over
in a yawn
at the end of each day
until fireflies
lit up the night.


Thursday, March 10, 2011


Many years ago
as my eyes lay closed
I was at my grandfather’s funeral
I do not recall if his death
had already occurred or not.

I entered the room
of a very fancy restaurant
at the entrance
there was a maitre d'
the room dimly lit           
the maitre d' booth
with shining desk lamp
flower wall paper

I was late

I told him I wanted to enter
I think it was for my grandfathers
but it is all unclear

He looked at me
one brow raised
with an “are you kidding me?”
kind of look on his face

I just stood there
kind of pleading
without saying words

He said alright
but you just BARELY
made it

and he wrote in light
something I do not know
on the palm of my hand
and forehead

I then entered a big hall
like out of a Greek painting
with a beautiful mural
of pillars, plants and the sea
in front of the mural
was laid a table
with a feast
fruits, breads

The maître d’hôtel (often shortened to maître d’) in the original French is literally the "master of the hotel". In a suitably-staffed restaurant or hotel, it is the person in charge of assigning customers to tables and dividing the dining area into areas of responsibility for the various servers on duty. The plural form is 'maîtres d'hôtel' or 'maîtres d' if shortened. The maître d'hôtel may also be the person who receives and records reservations for dining, as well as dealing with any customer complaints. It is also their duty to make sure that all the servers and waitstaff are completing their tasks in an efficient manner. (From Wikipedia)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Crossing Over To The Other Shore

I had a dream last night that I was standing on the shore of a murky green pond.  My family was standing on the other side.  There was a chain that went underwater the length of the pond. I was supposed to cross it.  I was nervous enough, but then I learned, not only would I have to enter that murky unknown water and swim across it, I would have to go underwater to the chain the whole way.  This was being done for science’s sake, some sort of important scientific experience that we would have the answer to once I touched the chain, underwater and crossed over to the other side.  I could feel my family urging me on.  I thought about it. If it had been and ocean or clear water, I would have not liked the idea still, but I would have felt better somehow if I could see beneath me.  Then I thought, what if I use scuba equipment, that might make it easier. But in the end I knew, I just had to be brave and do it. It would not be forever, all I had to do was get in the pond, go underwater, touch the chain, and get to the other side. It would only take a little bit of time. Then I woke up.

In Buddhism they talk about crossing over to the other shore.  I have made some very big changes in my life lately, that make my life a kind of experiment. I want to see what will happen, what kind of growth and changes and miracles there will be. I have received numerous signs over the past few months, so many in fact, that it has somewhat become ridiculous to me, but in a good way.  I looked up “pond” and “chains” in an on-line dreamers dictionary. Here is what it said:


“To see a pond in your dream, represents tranquility. You need some more quiet time to yourself. It is a time to reflect on your situation and what is going on in your life. Alternatively, a pond suggests that you keep your feelings contained and in check. You are and emotionally calm.”


“To see chains in your dream, signify your need to break free from a routine, old idea, or a relationship. If you are being chained, then some part of you is being forcefully put in check. You are being held back from what you really want to do.”

Then I looked up the spiritual meaning of crossing over the to the other shore, and this is what I found:

“The religions born in India share a common symbol of salvation as
crossing the waters.  The waters represent the painful existence in the
world, plagued by ills, a continual passing from life to death in samsara.
Tossed about on the turbulent sea, the wayfarer finds rest only on the
other shore, the firm ground of Nirvana.  In the Judeo-Christian
scriptures, crossing the waters is also a symbol of salvation, drawn from
the historical tradition of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea under
divine protection and later crossing the Jordan River to reach the
promised land.” (Quote from Unification.net)

“The rocky stream flows on: hold you all together,
       quit you like heroes, and cross over, my friends!
Leave here all those that are evil-minded,
       let us cross to powers who are undiseased.

Stand erect, and cross you over, my comrades!
       This rocky river flows on before us.
Abandon here all those that are malicious,
       let us cross to powers, benign and pleasant.”

                    Hinduism.  Atharva Veda 12.2.26-27

“Few are there among men who go across to the further shore; the rest of
mankind only run about on the bank.  But those who act rightly according
to the teaching, as has been well taught, will cross over to the other
shore, for the realm of passions is so difficult to cross.”

                       Buddhism.  Dhammapada 85-86

I instinctively know what it is I need lately. I listen to and feel for my heart a lot and just let happen what may happen.  I pray a lot and feel God so much closer, breathing next to me and up in the universe at the same time.  I know I need to spend a little more time alone, finding myself, discovering writing, art, reading, quietness, and meditation that lye within. To feel the love in my heart that I feel go out of me like a solar projection from the sun when I think a loving thought or feel how much I love someone.  God whispers on weekend mornings “Love more”. I say Okay.
That’s pretty easy to do, isn’t it? Just love more? Easy homework, easy living. So wish me luck and say a prayer, as I start my swim to the other side. I will let you know the results of the scientific experiment as soon as I have them.