my thoughts turn to you today, I think of that house and your land when I think of Ohio and my childhood at this time of year, the beautiful Burgundy Cadillac carefully pulled out of the garage into the cold, with bright sun dancing off snow, the smell of white leather so pristine and clean, the ritual and habit of it all so comforting, and dependable, the extra strong hugs, thank you.

preparing for the new year

I have a feeling
that 2012
is going to be
a phenomenal year
of amazing and
unknown dreams
come true......
As well as the known
dreams, wants, heart felt
desires
I feel it
I smile to it
I feel in peace of it
here is a list of a few things
so far that I would like
to do in 2012

*hang a dream catcher above our bed
*learn hand-writing analysis
*set up an arts and crafts area with new desk
*take a real honest to goodness art class at a college
*practice perfecting new hair styles
*practice cooking more (simple) homemade meals
(not frozen or from a box = )

that’s it for now

~Jenny

I Am Lazy & Unambitious

He who has more, has more to loose. Or something like that. As I was working on my first paint by number kit last night, I realized that I do not want one so difficult. I don’t want to have to mix colors, I just want to leisurely paint~because, I am lazy! I don’t so much like a challenge anymore.  I have recently fully embraced the fact that I am lazy, and lack ambition. I used to feel like less than because of this, that I was always missing the boat, that everyone else was ahead of me and that I was a looser. I used to think it was my alcohol consumption that was to blame for this fact. Part of it was. Now that I don’t drink I am more prone to go out and buy nice things for the apartment that I have been wanting for a long time, or nice clothes for myself. I get more simple everyday things done and my life is more organized.

But I am still lazy, the only difference now is that I am coming to accept this about myself and even embrace it.  Especially in these times, I realize that my laziness and lack of ambition have served me well. While others are struggling to pay that mortgage, or make that car payment, or pay credit card bills, I have peace of mind. My lack of ambition to own my own home, to have all the latest and greatest, to have a new car ( I drive an eclectic 1990 Mercedes that cost me $1300.00 I paid cash = ) means that I have nothing to loose right now. My debt is one payment away from being paid off. If I want something nowadays I go with the slow and steady modo, I buy things here and there, and I pay cash on the barrel. I slowly build a better life and things are more meaningful and valuable to me that way.

I don't take on more challenges than I logically know will just make me miserable, or that I will dread being committed to. I have no illusions about what I am really capable of, or in reality will want to see through. I will do things when and how I want to, and not a moment before. If it requires too much effort and is optional, it won't be done, at least not right now = )

So today, I don’t feel like such a loser, I feel like a very lucky girl. Lazy and unambitious, but happy and lucky. I don’t want or expect a lot out of life. And I fully embrace and even dare say love, my laziness. Viva Le Sloths!
~Jenny

I May Not Be Crazy Afterall

A little about what goes on in sobriety.
The following are symptoms (from Wikipedia) are part of Post Acute Withdraw aka Protracted Withdraw.
I have had a few episodes lately where I felt that I could not function properly,
my mind would simply not cooperate with me. These come and go. I feel pretty
good today~and have for the first time in a while starting having a desire to
connect with the people I care about again.  I feel I can think a little more
clearly, and look at things from others points of view too.

Something someone said recently really sticks with me today. There are no
feelings or thoughts that are right or wrong, you can't always rely on what
you are thinking or feeling at the moment.

I think in some respects, my withdraw, causes me to withdraw.
Animals lick their wounds when they are injured. This is only perfectly
natural during a regeneration process. But it helps to come out
of the den every once in a while to let my comrades know
how I am doing. And to find out how THEY are doing as well.

• Psychosocial dysfunction
• Anhedonia^[19]
• Depression
• Impaired interpersonal skills
• Obsessive-compulsive behaviour
• Feelings of guilt
• Autonomic disturbances
• Pessimistic thoughts
• Impaired concentration
• Lack of initiative
• Craving
• Inability to think clearly
• Memory problems
• Emotional overreactions or numbness
• Sleep disturbances
• Physical coordination problems
• Stress sensitivity
• Increased sensitivity to pain
• Panic disorder^[14]
• Generalised anxiety disorder^[14]

Symptoms occur intermittently, but are not always present. They are made worse by stress or other triggers and may arise at unexpected times and for no apparent reason. They may last for a short while or longer. Any of the following may trigger a temporary return or worsening of the symptoms of post acute withdrawal syndrome:^{[citation needed]}

• Stressful and/or frustrating situations
• Multitasking
• Feelings of anxiety, fearfulness or anger
• Social Conflicts
• Unrealistic expectations of oneself
• Too much on your to-do list

Love,
Jenny

About 10 Months In

This is a quote from someone on one of the forums I frequent for people who quit drinking~

"the other pivotal event was the realization that even though i wasn't drinking and drugging anymore i was still an addict and would always be dealing with the trauma(sometimes) of not being able to do things in half measures...all or none, like a nerve firing...on the bus or off the bus...which is it...aristotelian moderation is not an option so i better damn well find something acceptable to be addicted to...books...i always liked to read...even in the depths of the addiction there were books...in the last twenty-five years no one has ever walked up to me and shouted " have you been reading again?" or " how many books have you had today?"...

I love it! "how many books have you read today? Are you reading again?" So and so said they saw you walking out of the library! hehe

I've been thinking about starting a blog Chronicling my sober journey~letting cats out of the bag, and sorting through all the big, messy, wonderful shit of it all called life. I think that's my next step.

~Jenny

Jack

Would love to be in San Fran today
drinking beer in a bar with Jack Kerouac
it would only be a moment in time
truth wanders in that everyone 
eventually goes home
starts families
and such

poor Jack is left alone
at the counter with wrinkles
surrounded by younger birds
the newest flock to fly in

he is old
spent
ruddy
sad

has finally figured out
why he does not trust anyone
you see
this is not so at all

he just doesn’t
believe enough
in love
in his loveableness

that one can be loved so much
be worth all they are worth
seen for that
that someone would never
ever
do that to him

listening to 60.’s music
just to get by
remembering Jack
and the gleam in his eye
that soon dimmed to regret
until he died in his ma’s house
with a wife, and a pet

~Jenny

"It's raining ice picks on my steel shore"

I talk in my sleep at night
I do not remember what I say
it has something to do
with viewing a storm
on Jupiter up close
with a companion planet
while proclaiming
out loud
how wonderful it would be
to see the planets and stars
even closer
I hear my own voice
as if it were someone else's
but I do not know
what I say

~Jennifer

January's Journey

Since setting out on January's Journey
I have known doubt
of all things once beleived
doubted God
existence
sickness
light
love
beauty
began to hate that
which was once loved
began to love that
which was once hated
the greatest gift of all
on this journey begun
in a January
is the lack
of any regret

~Jennifer

Manic Thoughts

the void was deep
like a sheet
between two worlds
that sank with the weight
of emptiness
in the middle
darkness floating
uncertainty
awakened to find
there is nothing there
or perhaps
the end had not been reached

----------------------------------------
you
could have been an enlightened yogi
my friend
instead of an angry bastard
you
could have been sitting up there
on your box
legs crossed
with peace and craziness
in your eyes

instead
you sit up there
with anger
and craziness

so sad

~Jenny

A Prayer

My Mission Statement

I believe our lives are predestined
I do not believe we create our own
realities
I believe our decisions
have a cause and effect
and it is up to us 
which outcome we want to have
I believe in soul groups
I believe we are supposed to meet
and experience everyone
we come across
and learn from those experiences
I believe in handing things over to God
when it gets to be too much
I believe in love
soul mates
best friends
letting things go
letting things be
having the courage
when guided to
to change things
but not before their designated time
I believe in attempting
to control the mind
by giving unwanted thoughts
over to God
and asking the universal father
to help me with them
to forget and move on
to ease my suffering
I believe what feels right inside
and what I feel divinely guided to do

~Jenny

life as art

it seems
as the years
go by
we begin
to group things
as a whole

falling in love
messing up
getting well

succeeding
failing

having faith
loosing faith

moving forward

and these
are life

they are the painting
of our experience here

we awaken one morning
to find
that we have already
laid the outline
sketched the figures
and we begin
filling everything in
with their perspective
textures
and colors

and the painting
begins
to make some sense
begins to become
a portrait

we begin to wonder
is it us painting
the portrait
or the portrait
painting us
and the story
of a life

~Jenny

9-11

I remember that day very well
I think it gave the whole nation
post traumatic stress disorder
as a society and individually
I remember talking to my sister
about it
she had just visited the twin towers
for the first time on a vacation
so it was so much more real
to her
it was an actual place
she had been
seen
heard
smelled

the rest of us
just felt it

today it makes me sadder
than it did 10 years ago
for some reason

I look at the photograph
of the falling man
it made horrendous things
seem commonplace
and normal
things you feel humans
should never be exposed to

it is almost the same
as if the terrorists
had walked up
and assaulted each of the victims
with a striking blow
across their face

and we all stood there
in shock
in awe
not sure how to help
feeling so helpless

there are no longer words
to describe the sadness
that will always linger

~Jenny

True Colors

this song is on my mind today....

warning - existential meltdown in progress

 life.....
Is just like an ice cream sandwich
I love ice cream sandwiches
they taste good

Happiness is eating an ice cream sandwich
sadness is when it’s gone.
Hope is knowing that you still have more
in the freezer,
and you will eat another ice cream sandwich
another day.

Ice cream sandwiches
don’t give a shit
about Karma, rules
sinners, saints
you’re going to heaven
you’re going to hell
if you think you see ghosts
have prophetic dreams
possibly imagine
all kinds of hocus-pocus
bullshit
blah blah blah

their outer cookie
and inner creamy
cold goodness
only care about tasting good
and happiness

they don’t think
they just are
they are delicious

may this never
be known as the Tao
Zen Bible Secret Document
Transcript
Lost book
of Ice Cream Sandwiches
that is all.....

~Jenny

A little gratefulness

i just wanted to say
how very thankful I am
to those who visit my blog
and read of my meanderings
thoughts
and life.

i thorougly enjoy reading
all of yours
and sharing back and forth
i feel very lucky for this

and it's wonderful
that hearts and minds
can communicate
from so far away
yet so near

so to all the kindred spirits
I say thank you
for your presence
for your points of veiw
and for expressing who you are
in this electronic land

~Jenny

3 Beautiful Words

This morning it became apparent to me that:

I don't know

I don't know anything really.
I don't know if God is real.
If I have been chasing  a dream.
Seeing this life in the right or wrong way.
What is really real, and what is not.

all I do know at this point is that

I don't know

and that feels kind of good to say
without worry about lightening
or the hand of the all-mighty God
striking me down
because if he really is real
I'm sure he won't mind

and sometimes doubt
and disbelief
and belief in nothing
are sacred unto themselves. 

~Jenny

just when I think
I cannot do it anymore
I hug you goodbye
as I leave for work
hearts touching
the sun in my face
eyes closed
and I know
how much I love you

the depression comes
rolling in like a fog
slowly but surely
it travels even in my sleep
so that I wake up
to an overcast sky
even though the sun
is shining

I ask
“where have you been”
“Italy” it replies,
"it’s lovely this time of year."
“don’t you want to go abroad again?"
"Please?” I say.
“No, I have been homesick,
and lonely for you, I need someone
to talk to at night.”

I do not get a reprieve
even in my dreams
if I am able to sleep at all
I do not recognize
my night time wanderings
but the figures are disturbing
and I wish they would go away
and let me be.

I awake on a Tuesday,
eyes open, asking~
“Again?”

“Yes, Again.”

~Jenny

The Case of The Oranges

One time when I was sick
a boyfriend brought oranges to my house
he had cut them up nice
into slices
and put them in a Tupperware
they were picked from his own tree

I
was grateful
but not grateful enough
I got angry and yelled at him
for not wanting to stay with me
for wanting to leave me
alone when I was sick.
he didn’t want to catch what I had.

and in his straightforward way
that I had admired him for
he said,
“I cut up oranges and brought them to you,
and this is how you treat me?”

And you know what
he was right

it seems that
whenever a
certain someone
wants to do something nice for me
I always think there is an ulterior
motive

for example
today he called me and said
“I’m going to get bagels,
would you like any particular ones?”

Now....this is nice,
it’s a nice thing he is trying to do.
So after I said Asiago Cheese
and Poppy seed, I added that he better
not be going to see some other
girl or secret lover.

Why? Why why why do I
do this to myself,
and the people I love

I hung up the phone
and felt sad
and thought about oranges

~Jenny

An Honest Poet

The days go ticking by
and in my case
this is good
because each day
brings me farther
from the nightmare
and further along
a good honest road

some days are a battle
won
some days
are a white fluffy seed
blowing on the wind
that comes to rest
on the ground
with the potential
to sprout
something new

I no longer have a drinking problem
because
I no longer drink

do you know what freedom is?
only the slave knows what
freedom is
when the chains are loosed
the obligation filled
and you become
your own master

~Jenny

random thought poem of the day

I open the fridge at work
to put my lunch in
a blue otter pop fell out
monotony is getting
well....monotonous
nails painted
hair done
brand new shirt
here I am
again
can I get a word
in edgewise
please
not sure
where I am going
just know how
I am going there
no matter what

~Jenny

Inching towards Fall

it's going to get dark sooner again.that's good.the warm crafts will come out in the cold weather. that is good. smokey air will fill our nostrils. cat's will cuddle. life will feel rich and full again.

~jenny

Life's Purpose

Maybe the trick to finding your life's purpose is to stop looking for it. Like that lost piece of jewelry or missing sock that always turn up when you least expect it.
~Jenny

Seven Full Moons

"All addicts, regardless of the substance or their social status share a consistent and obvious symptom; they're not quite present when you talk to them. They communicate to you through a barely discernible but unignorable veil. Whether a homeless smack head troubling you for 50p for a cup of tea or a coked-up, pinstriped exec foaming off about his speedboat, there is a toxic aura that prevents connection. They have about them the air of elsewhere, that they're looking through you to somewhere else they'd rather be. And of course they are. The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of the day with some purchased relief." ~Russell Brand on Amy Winehouse
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today I see those I love
Today I do my best to stay
in the present moment
working on listening
looking into
feeling
what you feel
feeling what I feel
for the first time
we are both in the same room
and the glasses are off
and I look into your eyes
and see it all
every speck
design
aura
lash
and contour
my ears open
and I strain my attention
to hear your words
to get to know you
and to no longer give a fuck
about what you think of me
but have learned more
to give a fuck about
what I think of you.

~Jenny

they wondered where daylight came from
when they found the source
they worshiped it and looked closely
and soon found out
if you stare too long at the sun
you will go blind~

-Jenny Miller

Awakening

I need room to shine
please don’t eclipse me
with ego based things
let me climb that mountain top
where I can see so far
and so up close
where I can meet
the thing
called me
the soul within
expressing itself
through this existence

while you are loud
I remain silent
for fear of
talking too loud
over you

some journeys
are meant to be
taken alone
till the heroes
come back home
and profess themselves

but it is never ending
there is just a want
to make a beginning of it
to start where you left off
long ago.

~Jenny

Inner Guidance

the water is still for now
he says
and I should let it be
sometimes you need
stillness
between the storm
for the sediment to settle
when objects
are floating in the ocean
they are small
and we cannot see what they are
but if the waters be still
they will take form
and settle at the bottom
so you can look at them
and name them
and wash them
before the next storm hits

~Jenny

did you hear that sound this morning......?
it's our founding fathers,
turning in their graves.

~Jenny

Glycerine

Must be your skin that I'm sinkin in
Must be for real cause now I can feel
and I didn't mind
it's not my kind
not my time to wonder why
everything's gone white
and everything's grey
now your here now you away
I don't want this
remember that
I'll never forget where your at
don't let the days go by
glycerine

I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
are you at one
or do you lie
we live in a wheel
where everyone steals
but when we rise it's like strawberry fields

If I treated you bad
you bruise my face
couldn't love you more
you got a beautiful taste
don't let the days go by
could have been easier on you
I coudn't change though I wanted to
could have been easier by three
our old friend fear and you and me
glycerine (repeat)
don't let the days go by
glycerine

I needed you more
when we wanted us less
I could not kiss just regress
it might just be
clear simple and plain
that's just fine
that's just one of my names
don't let the days go by
could've been easier on you
glycerine


(Glycerine~by Bush)

a good place

I looked in the mirror this morning and thought
I
have a history
of lovers and friends
of experiences
this face has seen a lot
a lot has seen this face
I am coming to terms
with my past
it’s like sorting through dresser drawers
and pulling items out
“I want to get rid of this,
aww..remember this?
let's keep it.”
This
was me
this is me now
for the first time in my adult life
I’m starting to really embrace
that I would not take any of it back
the good or the bad
if I could go back in time
and speak
to my 20 year old self
and tell her anything now
it would be
“carry on...”
And then
I would be silent
to let her live
life
and have all her experiences
I would not
rob her of that
this is what happens
when you get in
a safe place
I quit drinking
over six months ago
that’s about all I have to
say about that right now
but if I would have never
started on this journey
I would still be looking back
and cringing
with embarrassment
and fear
instead of introspection
and guardianship
of myself
I am creating the future now
in the present
creating good memories
making the right decisions
or the best I know how
it’s all the same you know
past, present, future
and at any time
we have the power
in one moment
to change the whole thing
if we want to.

~Jenny

messages from cats

this morning as he is walking me out to my car to go work:

him: "well I don't think I got that job at ....... = ( "

me: "at least you were one of two choices out of a lot of candidates, I think you're done in the food industry anyways, you should just trust me on this, trust my intuition."

him: "well there are OTHER things I could do in the food industry.....like sell food to dogs and cats!"

Enter neighborhood cat from around my car at the cue of the words food and cats~begins rubbing against our legs.

me: " I think that's your answer. I think that's God talking to you." and I drive away to go to work, as he pets the cat and makes sure I don't accidentally run it over.

~Jenny

Rough Seas

Perhaps we have forgotten
the better days
when we were new
moon lit dinners
far away in magical places
long trips
just you and me
traveling along the dark ocean road
in the quiet of the night
back to our bed
and silence.

All the adventures
they are still in my mind
more so than
hardships past
by my hand or yours

I long for those again
I want those again
the happiness
the freedom
laughing
dancing
walking
hand in hand

with you, so gentle
and sure
so much in love
with me
and I in love with you

there was a sense of
stewardship
back then

Ps~Although I may be
on course and the sky appears clear
does not mean I no longer need
a steward for my ship

~Jenny

Forest Dreaming

Wish I was in Yosemite today
playing Rocky Mountain High
with pancakes and fiddles
and clouds in the sky

wish I had my hiking boots on
and was trudging up some steep trail
keeping on to the top through
wind, sleet or hail

wish I was at that mountain stream
with you
down in the valley below
fixing our fishing lines
watching the wind blow

through tall grasses
and wild flowers
not caring what the world thinks
the waters fresh
tastes forest salty
take a refreshing drink

wish the clouds were rolling in
with us tied up all cozy inside
as cheesy music plays
and daydreams fill our eyes

wish there was a cabin
wish there was a van
wish there was
an old school cannon camera
in my hand

wish there was a Coleman
water jug
filled with iced tea
wish there was spot somewhere today
just for you and me

~Jenny

A New Story

I've started a new blog. I will continue to post here and there on Notes From Pippi,  but I'm afraid Pippi's Notes have gotten rather depressing. Time to focus on the positive. I plan on posting inspiring quotes, art (mine and others), positive stories I find, ways to create happiness and beauty in life etc. So--will you join me in A Happy Place? http://ahappyplace2011.blogspot.com/

713

My hand draws this
reflected on the dark surface
wondering about the state
of love~in this harrowing time

Does she suffer?
Is she forgotten?
Or put aside for another day
when the bounty is fresh
and she well rested

Perhaps she has vanished
like a spirit
her presence faintly felt
but unseen.

~Jenny

Dante's Prayer

I used to listen to this song when I was sick, stuggling through the day, so sad and hopeless. Now it is a beautiful song to me, and it is on my mind today. One of my favorites and the light shines through the clouds and my heart opens.
 

what is love...

When you love somebody
you don’t love their faults too
but there is something there
if it is really love
that makes you feel for them
and their struggles
that replaces anger
with sadness
and compassion
that makes you want
to stay and try to help them
instead of washing your hands
of it all
and running away
I worry for you
I always think about you
I always want you
to be safe
happy,
to feel good
and to know you are loved
I want you to explore yourself
and the world
I want you to do all the things
that make you happy
and grow as a spirit
I want to share beautiful things
with you
I want you to feel it’s ok
to be yourself
but like all of us
we could all use
a little adjustment
in how we express
who we are in the world here and there
I want to cry today
for you
cause I just don’t think you get it
or maybe you do and it’s making you
feel really bad
and the later makes me even sadder
my heart
is not wrapped
in bubble wrap
in fact
it has no packaging
or instructions
at all.

~Jenny

today's news

where are the mural painters
the dreamers
the clowns
the stand up comedians
the artists
the poets
the naturists
the forest rangers
the authors
the crafters
the wreath makers
the candle dippers
the planters
the sowers
the astronomers
the traders
the merchants
the teachers
the parents
the decency
the commitment
the word
the silent agreements
the simplicity
the vacations
the life purpose
the calendar
time
skill
enjoyment
masters of
counselor
optimists
amusement parks
ice cream
children
holidays
routine
contentment
all wrapped up
nicely
in a federal
green wrapping paper

~Jenny

The Hidden Value of Social Networking

I often see Facebook as a curse, and addiction
a morbid curiosity in to the past,
present
it can, like all things
be used for “good” or “evil”

I have a friend
who recently had a stroke
she is a young mother
and while we just started communicating
again after years,
there are still all those ties
of friends
inside jokes
shared experiences
ups and downs
history

She doesn’t want anyone
to come see her
she says she’s a mess
so she posts on Facebook
and communicates that way

and we all respond
I see how it keeps her
connected with the outside world
and tied to the invisible
bonds so many have to her
bonds of admiration
and love

So I feel as if
each time one of her
friends comments
or gives her feedback
that we are all
silently
holding
her up
with one finger each
and doing our best
to gently carry her
through this time
with our hearts.

~Jenny

Ode to Gretchen

(not my Gretchen, but a good representation of her)

 

 

 when you don’t feel good
I don’t feel good
sputtering
and coughing last night
nothing could sooth you
they took you away today
I imagine you
riding sadly
on the tow truck
all alone
breaks my heart
you let me smoke in you
leave trash in you
we have
that kind of relationship
I allow you
to run loud
and take your age
into account
who knows
where you served before me
20 years ago
perhaps royalty?
When your paint was not so faded
and you were shiny brand new
or perhaps across the deserts
of Africa
or somewhere
in the middle east
proudly wearing
your logo
you and I
we don’t go far
you are like an old horse to me
done your duty in this world
and now retired
to a girl
who does not push you too far
and thinks of you
as a person.

~Jenny

sym-bi-o-sis

n. pl. sym-bi-o-ses (-sz)
1. A close, prolonged association between two or more different organisms of different species that may, but does not necessarily, benefit each member.

What you did not know
is you host us
we are “brains”
living organisms
that require a body
to carry out our work

~Jenny

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-13751783

Blanket of sadness
heavy
and brown
circles round
shoulders
head tucked under
embroidered from the 
inside out
to make it nice
and beautiful
for you
for world
for those who don’t understand
why you are walking around
with a blanket on your head
it will not come off
until
you are better.

~Jenny

Once Upon A Time

It’s morning
she’s filling her cup
at the water cooler
thinking back
to a time
when things weren’t
so good
that morning
stumbling out
of the hotel
embarrassed in high heels
at the break of dawn
riding in the cab
seeing all the good
people go to work
how she had wished
she had a job
she fantasized on the way home
about getting up
at the same time each day
making a cup of coffee
doing menial
but safe routines
and tasks
he had left her that night
after she paid for the hotel room
it was his idea
she thought he would stay
so she gave herself to him
she thought he would stay
because he still loved her
somewhere, somehow
beneath his drugs
and her alcohol
that he still loved her
she told him a story
about a myth
involving women
she was trying
to explain her heart
in a parable
but fell
all
over
herself
he smiled
she thought it was
alright
then he took a phone call
and said
he would be back later
he never came back
and she slept
on white sheets
and puffy pillows
in a fancy room
she had paid for
all alone
it was dark
now it doesn’t
seem to all matter
it was so long ago
or was it?
These things
should be forgiven
and forgotten
right away
in a perfect world.
But now she is cleansing
herself
does not rent hotel rooms
anymore unless it is
for a vacation
and she knows that
her companion will not leave her
now, she is here
and he....
Is dead
why does it still matter?

~Jenny

No title

do we have to have a name for it?
She asks inside only
he crosses his legs
clears his throat
he is so difficult to hear
her ears are plugged
she is easily distracted
by her own thoughts
but then aren’t we all?

take this pill
to make you grow larger
take this pill to make you grow smaller
Alice
we want to keep you in
keep you from wonderland
what...
Shall we name it

self obsession
takes the place of vices
but is not self obsession
a vice
is not
asking this question
self obsessive itself

I read today
that joy
is the most important aspect
of life
what makes you happy

I plan
on making a list
to remember always
what makes me happy
for when I forget
and become caught
in traps
of over-analyzation

and there are a million
best friends out there
a trillion
just like you
you just haven’t met
them all yet.

~Jenny

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive.
To him
a touch is a blow,
a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover,
a lover is a god,
and failure is death.
Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create - so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating." -Pearl S. Buck

From Innerlinks

Angel of June is Faith

Inspirational Message The unshakable knowing of the heart when nothing makes sense to the mind. Optimism is an expression of faith in action. Faith is the breath of God that animates our soul. We cannot see it, we can only feel it — when we pay attention. Doubt is the uncertainty that our source of spiritual power will be available to us in times of misfortune, pain, and illness. It is normal to experience spiritual doubt. In fact, times of doubt can lead to our greatest transformative moments and is the 'can' opener to faith. The future is unknowable and therefore brings with it a feeling of uncertainty. It is faith that teaches us to contemplate the invisible which is beyond our grasp; not through the power of knowledge. Our faith connects the past to the future and gives us a kind of spiritual gravity. It reassures us that God is in the future just as in the present and past. All that is unknowable is held within God and that includes us, our families, friends, and all our collective well being; yesterday, today, and tomorrow in all ways. Worry is a flag waving where faith is waiting to enter. Fall out of your mindsets and have confidence your heart will catch you. There are no accidental experiences or chance inner states. The spiritual dimensions of life are real, more real in fact than what we call life on this earth. Faith is the unifying principle that weaves together all experiences. May this month provide a 'faith-lift' bringing you a refreshed outlook and renewed perspective. Warmly, Kathy P.S. If you worked with the Angel of Discernment during May, take a few moments to release it with your gratitude before welcoming the Angel of Faith into your life for the month of June. ©1981-2011 InnerLinks Angel® Cards is a registered trademark of InnerLinks. Please link to our site to share with your visitors. ANGEL® Cards

Let Spirit Flow Unimpeded life is a pilgrimage a flow through time eternal so relax into the journey let go trust the gentleness of the wind be at peace with the rain give yourself over to the currents of the river and drift with the ease of clouds for all these with you belong to the design of life they respond to the seasons respond with them allow life to manifest through you know that all actions once afoot end in one purpose recognize this trust this have faith in this and be a blessing in each of life’s moments offer your love to the universe unreservedly let it flow out from you now bathing our planet in the beauty and light of a new consciousness and, like soft warm rain, blessing and nourishing all life on earth. Lovingly, Joy

Searching

I stopped talking to God
yes, too much chatter
now I feel for him
like a blind man
in the dark
my fingertips
searching the contours
of his face
my skin
feeling his breath
my heart
feeling his presence
up there
in outer space
where the planets move
and the stars shine
and he says nothing
of it all
he just smiles

~Jenny

Gentleness

there is a dove calling your name today
gentleness on the wind
God teaches
that he does not speak
but blows on our hearts
and being
like the breath
of a musician
on the reed
and we vibrate
to match him.
and it feels so ethereal
and so lovely and good
This is how he speaks
if he were to speak

~Jenny

Thinking back on some things~I realize now~that there is sometimes nothing you can change about some situations.  Things will happen no matter what you do. Sometimes, it doesn't even concern you, when you think it does. And the outcome would have been the same no matter what part you had played. So best to check your reaction, true motives in helping, not helping~is ego involved or love? Busy bodyness? Or really helpful, to yourself and others in hard times? No~I have decided it is best to examine my heart, to look at everything with discernment and much thoughtfulness and guard my reactions to fit what is best for myself, others, and the situation as a whole. God does, as God wants to do, and the reasons are not always clear to us little humans~who think we have all the answers, or can change some impossible, divinely guided appointment or situation. And that's ok with me, it lets us all off the hook a little.  We each have our own path, our own destiny. It's not all about me. Really, its not, thank God.

~Jenny

Pippi's diggin' Ricky Nelson on a Wednesday

why i HATE religion

I know of people
who go to church
every Sunday
some perhaps
everyday
but after their rosaries
and prayers
and wafers
they are still
seething
with venom

some
simply show up
dressed appropriately
for the times
of course
saying apostles creeds
kneeling on prayer rugs
making signs
of a cross
on their body
but...on their soul?

and when those
who attend church
at all costs
talk of hate
judgement
damnation
gossip
no one is safe
be it from their
words
criticism
or bombs
one thought
comes to my mind

did not Jesus say...
it is not what you put
into your body
but what comes out of it

how backwards
they have it
do we not have
enough to worry about
as humans

heartbreak
death
disease
starvation
natural disasters
sadness
of our fellow man
we really are
so very fragile
and need the cushioning
of love

it is a shame
we have to worry
about assaults
from without
from all directions

I look into faces
at the airport
trying to make their way
home
or to get to somewhere
each a story
to tell
yet
first
we look with
suspicion
and fear
rather than
compassion
wonderment
and love
and the woman
beside me
lets me go first
through
security
and gently says...
“We are all family here”
she must belong
to the religion
of the heart.....

~Jenny

dreaming a mile high

red rabbits
heading for
higher ground
“run fools, run”
they say
how rare
are they
only to appear
as catastrophe is near
as if to say
come this way
to where it is safe
did you not know
this was coming
right on our red heels
and yours
do not stay
to be trampled
to the floor
to become nevermore
run, rabbit
run
and show us the way
to safety and love
this day

~Jenny

Working through your shit sucks. Especially when God...is silent.

what if?

Earth....
is a hostile planet
with earthquakes
tornadoes
storms
tsunamis
scorching heat
bitter cold
cataclysms

perhaps that is why
it is the experimenting ground
for incarnation
just like we used the desert
to test
atomic bombs

perhaps other places
in the universe
are much more
suitable
and safe
for life

perhaps earth
is expendable

compared to what
we know not

~Jenny

I liked this song as a teenager, but it had a different meaning for me back then, amidst my own turmoil, the drugs, the sadness. It was more personal.  Now this song is universal to me and I think speaks a lot of the world we live in now.  The hardened hearts, the materialism, the turning our backs thinking someone else will do something, our egos, our addictions, the distractions we all allow ourselves~from ourselves and each other.  All we can do is pick a corner to lift up. Our own small corner and start peeling little by little.  Beautiful video, and very moving.
Love,
Jenny

People stand along Mississippi River

People stand along the Mississippi River as floodwaters slowly rise in Memphis, Tennessee May 7, 2011. Memphis-area residents were warned on Saturday that the Mississippi River was gradually starting to "wrap its arms" around the city and rise to record levels.« Read less

REUTERS/Eric Thayer (UNITED STATES - Tags: DISASTER ENVIRONMENT)

flood waters rise
so beautiful, so beautiful
all the worries of the people
so sad, so sad
mamma’s with their babies
and children
all marched up to the edge
saying that if they had never built
in the first place
they would not be in this predicament
if they would have kept to the old ways
they would have so little to loose
loose or gain
would be the same thing
to all the people
standing there
watching the waters edge
as it gently rolls in
and prayers
are on our lips for them
tonight and always
for them
and all us humans
stranded here
on planet earth.

~Jenny

Oft We Forget

how oft we forget
that we wanted to be
astronauts
writers
athletes

how oft we forget
that we wanted to be
married
with children
and a home

how oft we forget
that we wanted to be
forest rangers
cowboys
Indians
truck drivers

how oft we forget
our dreams
or the child
who still lyes
dreaming within

~Jenny

Ode To Spooky

I remember the first day we got you
as we perused the aisles of poor
orphan cats
“All Black Cats $5.00"
your neighbor was feisty and started
climbing up your dad’s shoulder
when he held him
no, not the right one.
Then we came to you
your dad took you out of the cage
and held you with your paws
secured in his hands
you looked so cute
your face so sweet
and just something about you
we put you down in the room
and sat with you to get to know you
better.
At first you were able to control
yourself,
and a little shy even
but then
you started running
jumping
playing
We knew you had a little spark in you
“We should come back,” he said
“We should just do it now,” I said
so we placed our $5.00 bet
and brought you home
on a very special day
my sisters birthday
and the first day of
my new beginning
you melted my heart
you grounded me
you brought peace
and playfulness
humor
and love
I never want you to see me
in a bad way
this I vow
you take my side
you are my comrade
my ally
I love you so.
thank God...
for cats.

~Jenny

 

Weight just a minute....

I must rant, and I must rant because I know there are so many other people out there who deal with this issue....weight and self image.  Sure I’m a little overweight~I’m 5'4" and weight 155 pounds. I’ve even lost a couple of pounds in the last few months without dieting.  I have one friend in particular who is about 30 pounds heavier who continually tells me I should go see her diet doctor. A co-worker yesterday, who while she is normally insane about everything, who took my measurements and based on a chart she was using said I am borderline obese (she happens to weigh 190)? WTF...!  Both these ladies are trying to loose weight.  While I have expressed a slight desire to eat healthier here and there, I have not said that I want to go on a diet etc. etc.

I have some pretty big fish to fry right now. I am dealing with gaining more and more momentum of living without a substance that helped me cope, or so I thought.  Can I not do this first for Christ’s sake? Can people not mind their own F’in body business.  Some people are so uncomfortable with people who can accept themselves as they are at the moment.  As women in this society, we are supposed to want to constantly diet, share diets, exercise together, compare pounds lost. Well I say Fuck that! Sorry for the language.  I would like to loose 10-15 pounds, I think that is reasonable. I would like to start going for walks regularly and be consistent with it, and even maybe enjoy it. But I want to do these on my own terms and in my own time.

Is it not better to stand in front of the mirror in your towel and ask yourself to appreciate your natural breasts, your full hips, your little bit o’ fullness? Like a renaissance painting? Is this ok to work on coming to terms with yourself inside and how you view yourself instead of trying to make your outside match everyone else’s?

It bugs me. We have criticized ourselves enough, pushed ourselves to slight insanity and self loathing, we don’t need others to f’up our agenda in trying to cultivate a little self love, taking it easy on ourselves and some self acceptance. And.....learning to tell those whose outside doesn’t match our insides to take a hike.  Blah, blah, blah...that is all.  Thanks for reading.  

~Jenny

I love you just the way you are~

We have to learn to love people, the way we want to be loved. This song was on my mind this morning, I wanted to sing it to you....but I can't sing. So it's here, for you. Maybe you could really use it today.

Voyager

Really cool site. Except for one thing~one of the messages we have for extraterrestials may not turn out so well... perhaps not the best message to send?
 
Amoy (Min dialect)
"Friends of space, how are you all? Have you eaten yet? Come visit us if you have time."

http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2011/28apr_voyager2

Floating Down Stream

It’s a quiet time
it’s a lulling time
the kind of time
you sit back
and wait to see
what happens
not the time to make things
happen
it’s a time to go with the flow
cause the flows gonna go
anyways
so might as well
go along for the ride
and not struggle
against the current
...that never works out.

~Jenny

so much sadness
built up inside
like an old wine bag
poked
and the tears come streaming out
thought of the coast with you
and whale watch cafe’s
and your gentleness
and beauty
your innocence in so many ways
the honor I felt to be
with one such as you
all the years
all the check marks
and spaces left empty
words that should not
have been said
words unsaid that should
have
and we ride
this amusement park ride
called the journey
of the hero
filled with our own villains
saviors
knights
princesses
evil sorcerers
that try to take down
the lot of it all
we laugh
we cry
we love
we hate
we sleep
we awaken
we lye unable to sleep
so many seasons
ebbs and flows
ins and outs
and here you are
by my side.

~Jenny

the field of grass
likes country music
amid the office buildings
a treasure
swaying & shining
in the sun
singing if it could

the heart
likes country music
it vibrates
to the melodic tune
and the beautiful
values and words
of simple people
who have enough
no matter what they have

~Jenny

What Happens At Absolute Zero?

The Boomerang Nebula is the coldest natural object known in the universe, seen here by the Hubble Space Telescope (Image: ESA/NASA)

 

 

 

 

"In everyday solids, liquids and gases, heat or thermal energy arises from the motion of atoms and molecules as they zing around and bounce off each other. But at very low temperatures, the odd rules of quantum mechanics reign. Molecules don't collide in the conventional sense; instead, their quantum mechanical waves stretch and overlap. When they overlap like this, they sometimes form a so-called Bose-Einstein condensate, in which all the atoms act identically like a single "super-atom". The first pure Bose-Einstein condensate was created in Colorado in 1995 using a cloud of rubidium atoms cooled to less than 170 nanokelvin."
(from: New Scientist article on Feb 2010.)

ah the heart
so fragile
with it’s bursting tears
“Tears in fabric are not usually
 going to be totally invisible
but they can be ...”
yes
with it’s bursting tears
just below the surface
of happiness
and contentment
the impending doom
the present
exhilaration
must all
somehow
sustain us
in the past
present
and future.

~Jenny

Freely admitting selfishness

How
can
I
make
my life
more
meaningful
short of weaving
seashells
in my hair
everyday
dreaming
of sleeping in
living the life
of a principessa
an artist
a writer
someone who
plays tennis
and has tea
with her friends
in the hours
others
are filling out
papers
and answering phones
how
can
I
make
my life
more meaningful
in other ways
where I am
right now
with the breaths
I have
that are real
and not in some
imagined
future dreamland
that may not even
exist
?
~Jenny

Transformation

beautiful natural smells
soothing music
flowers
breezes
fresh air
plants
oceans
mints
waves
carpets cleaned
sheets washed
curtains blowing
sun setting
dove calling
stars appearing
on indigo sky
night comes
heat goes
coolness comes
togetherness
walks
seasons
life

~Jenny

Love & ghosts

Love makes me cry
she has been coming in my dreams
with the most crystal clear
iridescent blue eyes
I have ever seen

the first night
she held me on her lap
like a little baby
and told me things
all of which I cannot remember
still I know
they are locked safely in my soul

the second night
she came too
and shared more secrets
but I am somewhat disturbed

I feel that she is helping me
she was the last person
I thought would come to my rescue
but she is trying to tell me something too
about the origins of my struggles

they are not from the dark Irish side
but from a legacy that remains a mystery

but she tells me this each time
where the struggles come from
for us all

she is my paternal grandmother
the one whose name I carry
the one whose blood and DNA
I carry
but had so long forgotten
now from so far away
she comes as a maternal comforter
and helper

my boyfriend says
that I have fits in my sleep
when I am able to get any sleep at all
sometimes
the night time work
is the hardest

~Jenny

Learning....

dis·cre·tion   

n.

1. The quality of being discreet; circumspection. See Synonyms at prudence.

2. Ability or power to decide responsibly.

3. Freedom to act or judge on one's own.

off the hook

perhaps the reason why I sometimes start sentences or lines off with a lower case letter is because I can, and I like to. Your not supposed to, it’s not the rules. It’s not perfect, but still gets what I want to say across.  I am trying to let go of perfection. I have become aware that I stress myself out about so many things because I want to do it perfect, and I want all to sit back in awww and proclaim....PERFECT! Dumb. I have not done so many things I wanted to because I wouldn’t do them until I could do them perfect. I would not have people over to my house...because it was not perfect. I recently baked bread (I don’t bake, so I don’t know why I did this) and realized I don’t like to cook because I am always so stressed about getting it perfect. So I just enjoyed making the bread and said to myself if the dough is not all mixed in fuck it. If it comes out tasting a little off, fuck it. I loved baking that bread and just enjoying the moment, pretending I was an Irish peasant woman.

I have to remind myself many times, “stop trying to do it perfect, the important thing is that it gets done in the first place.” there is beauty and vunerability in imperfection.  There is grace and heroism in actions.  There is a thrill in just living your life.  Here are some great quotes:

Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.  ~Harriet Braiker

Certain flaws are necessary for the whole.  It would seem strange if old friends lacked certain quirks.  ~Goethe

No one is perfect... that's why pencils have erasers.  ~Author Unknown

A man would do nothing if he waited until he could do it so well that no one could find fault.  ~John Henry Newman

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen

Sometimes... when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing.  ~From the television show Ally McBeal

Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.  ~Henry van Dyke

Ideals are like stars; you will not succeed in touching them with your hands.  But like the seafaring man on the desert of waters, you choose them as your guides, and following them you will reach your destiny.  ~Carl Schurz, address, Faneuil Hall, Boston, 1859

The most difficult part of attaining perfection is finding something to do for an encore.  ~Author Unknown

When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target.  ~George Fisher

Once you accept the fact that you're not perfect, then you develop some confidence.  ~Rosalynn Carter

When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target.  ~George Fisher

Always live up to your standards - by lowering them, if necessary.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Striving to better, oft we mar what's well.  ~William Shakespeare, King Lear, 1605

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.  ~Salvador Dali

Congratulations!  You're not perfect!  It's ridiculous to want to be perfect anyway.  But then, everybody's ridiculous sometimes, except perfect people.  You know what perfect is?  Perfect is not eating or drinking or talking or moving a muscle or making even the teensiest mistake.  Perfect is never doing anything wrong - which means never doing anything at all.  Perfect is boring!  So you're not perfect!  Wonderful!  Have fun!  Eat things that give you bad breath!  Trip over your own shoelaces!  Laugh!  Let somebody else laugh at you!  Perfect people never do any of those things.  All they do is sit around and sip weak tea and think about how perfect they are.  But they're really not one-hundred-percent perfect anyway.  You should see them when they get the hiccups!  Phooey!  Who needs 'em?  You can drink pickle juice and imitate gorillas and do silly dances and sing stupid songs and wear funny hats and be as imperfect as you please and still be a good person.  Good people are hard to find nowadays.  And they're a lot more fun than perfect people any day of the week.  ~Stephen Manes, Be a Perfect Person in Just Three Days!

You see, when weaving a blanket, an Indian woman leaves a flaw in the weaving of that blanket to let the soul out.  ~Martha Graham

When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick.  ~Bill Lemley

Spent a beautiful wonderful cold and rainy day sleeping on the couch yesterday, then reading in bed, in my pajamas from morning till night, and loved every minute of it, as the cat napped in the chair next to me. The rain blew against the windows. The soft lights were on, the ones that make a home look and feel like a little cottage. Home filled with love and comfort. A day I needed so bad. This song kept running through my mind. It's cold and rainy here today too. But here I am at work, dreaming about being cozy and cuddled in bed.

 

feel me in your heart
kneading the soil
planting the seeds
permeating the tissue
and the light

feel the clock ticking
in there
such a delicate
instrument
tick-tick
such a gentle sound
fueled by the breath

only I know
when
it will stop
when
it will flutter
when
it will break
when
it will burst forth
with love

I am the great
time keeper

~Jenny

Butterflies & Ketchup

he wheeled a cart
with a bowl of ketchup
on it to a table across the room
where sat a Chinese woman
and her family
there was already ketchup
on the table
everyone knew it was just
to flirt with her
and I reeled off
a string of obscenities
with the gist of
F-you to him
and I knew
I could never compete
because I am not Chinese
you either are
or you aren’t

I escaped through a hole
he got there after

I noticed that I had
butterflies and hummingbirds
all over my body
I thought these were a natural
occurrence, like a mole
in these shapes
and I showed them to him
but then learned
that I had them tattooed
many years ago
the humming bird
with a huge red
gaudy heart next to it
on my mid right abdomen
over my rib cage
the butterflies
small and beautiful,
all over my chest

~Jenny

Reef Road

slip and slides
smell of bleach
musty old basements
clothes that shrink
quiet closets
with windows
to spend time alone in
sewing cards
with animals
pink canopies
2 big trees
permission
I was the messenger
the earth rolling over
in a yawn
at the end of each day
until fireflies
lit up the night.

~Jenny

Dreams

Many years ago
as my eyes lay closed
I was at my grandfather’s funeral
I do not recall if his death
had already occurred or not.

I entered the room
of a very fancy restaurant
at the entrance
there was a maitre d'
the room dimly lit           
the maitre d' booth
with shining desk lamp
flower wall paper

I was late

I told him I wanted to enter
I think it was for my grandfathers
funeral
but it is all unclear

He looked at me
one brow raised
with an “are you kidding me?”
kind of look on his face

I just stood there
kind of pleading
without saying words

He said alright
but you just BARELY
made it

and he wrote in light
something I do not know
on the palm of my hand
and forehead

I then entered a big hall
like out of a Greek painting
with a beautiful mural
of pillars, plants and the sea
in front of the mural
was laid a table
with a feast
fruits, breads

~Jenny
~~~~~~~~~~
The maître d’hôtel (often shortened to maître d’) in the original French is literally the "master of the hotel". In a suitably-staffed restaurant or hotel, it is the person in charge of assigning customers to tables and dividing the dining area into areas of responsibility for the various servers on duty. The plural form is 'maîtres d'hôtel' or 'maîtres d' if shortened. The maître d'hôtel may also be the person who receives and records reservations for dining, as well as dealing with any customer complaints. It is also their duty to make sure that all the servers and waitstaff are completing their tasks in an efficient manner. (From Wikipedia)

Crossing Over To The Other Shore

I had a dream last night that I was standing on the shore of a murky green pond.  My family was standing on the other side.  There was a chain that went underwater the length of the pond. I was supposed to cross it.  I was nervous enough, but then I learned, not only would I have to enter that murky unknown water and swim across it, I would have to go underwater to the chain the whole way.  This was being done for science’s sake, some sort of important scientific experience that we would have the answer to once I touched the chain, underwater and crossed over to the other side.  I could feel my family urging me on.  I thought about it. If it had been and ocean or clear water, I would have not liked the idea still, but I would have felt better somehow if I could see beneath me.  Then I thought, what if I use scuba equipment, that might make it easier. But in the end I knew, I just had to be brave and do it. It would not be forever, all I had to do was get in the pond, go underwater, touch the chain, and get to the other side. It would only take a little bit of time. Then I woke up.

In Buddhism they talk about crossing over to the other shore.  I have made some very big changes in my life lately, that make my life a kind of experiment. I want to see what will happen, what kind of growth and changes and miracles there will be. I have received numerous signs over the past few months, so many in fact, that it has somewhat become ridiculous to me, but in a good way.  I looked up “pond” and “chains” in an on-line dreamers dictionary. Here is what it said:

Pond

“To see a pond in your dream, represents tranquility. You need some more quiet time to yourself. It is a time to reflect on your situation and what is going on in your life. Alternatively, a pond suggests that you keep your feelings contained and in check. You are and emotionally calm.”

Chains

“To see chains in your dream, signify your need to break free from a routine, old idea, or a relationship. If you are being chained, then some part of you is being forcefully put in check. You are being held back from what you really want to do.”

Then I looked up the spiritual meaning of crossing over the to the other shore, and this is what I found:

“The religions born in India share a common symbol of salvation as
crossing the waters.  The waters represent the painful existence in the
world, plagued by ills, a continual passing from life to death in samsara.
Tossed about on the turbulent sea, the wayfarer finds rest only on the
other shore, the firm ground of Nirvana.  In the Judeo-Christian
scriptures, crossing the waters is also a symbol of salvation, drawn from
the historical tradition of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea under
divine protection and later crossing the Jordan River to reach the
promised land.” (Quote from Unification.net)


“The rocky stream flows on: hold you all together,
       quit you like heroes, and cross over, my friends!
Leave here all those that are evil-minded,
       let us cross to powers who are undiseased.

Stand erect, and cross you over, my comrades!
       This rocky river flows on before us.
Abandon here all those that are malicious,
       let us cross to powers, benign and pleasant.”

                    Hinduism.  Atharva Veda 12.2.26-27
  

“Few are there among men who go across to the further shore; the rest of
mankind only run about on the bank.  But those who act rightly according
to the teaching, as has been well taught, will cross over to the other
shore, for the realm of passions is so difficult to cross.”

                       Buddhism.  Dhammapada 85-86

I instinctively know what it is I need lately. I listen to and feel for my heart a lot and just let happen what may happen.  I pray a lot and feel God so much closer, breathing next to me and up in the universe at the same time.  I know I need to spend a little more time alone, finding myself, discovering writing, art, reading, quietness, and meditation that lye within. To feel the love in my heart that I feel go out of me like a solar projection from the sun when I think a loving thought or feel how much I love someone.  God whispers on weekend mornings “Love more”. I say Okay.
That’s pretty easy to do, isn’t it? Just love more? Easy homework, easy living. So wish me luck and say a prayer, as I start my swim to the other side. I will let you know the results of the scientific experiment as soon as I have them.

Goodbye...Markus. May God be with you.

Animal

I’ve given you
the underside
of my belly
smooth and white
the same underside
I lay shivering
behind bushes with
as I held in
my innards
after a fast claw
with one swipe
spilled out
all my good fruits
I held them into
myself
until they healed
I may have dropped
a few here and there
but now there is smoothness
and white
and I trust you
not to swipe me

~Jenny

A New Dawn

I’m thinking about her a lot today.
It’s funny, how you never choose
when or where to think of those
who have passed on.
She had a good heart.
It was just broken.
I say Our Father’s
and Hail Mary’s for her
regularly
just in case.
And I imagine
that she is like a little girl
learning all these secrets
and seeing all these wonderful things
gasping and exclaiming
“no kidding!”
And laughing and laughing
at the hidden simplicity
of it all.
And I bet God is really glad
to have her home
because she was loving
I saw a lot of love in her
beneath it all.
I keep telling myself,
she just couldn’t do it,
and that’s ok.
But I wonder,
what it would have been like
if she could have
if she could have stopped
and become
the swan that she is
here on this earth.
I imagine her like that,
and then think
she is probably like that in heaven.
And I look over to the picture
of Jesus
and I ask him
to please take good care of her
and be with her
cause she has a good heart.

~Jenny

Embroidery of the Heart

she has a nest
in her uterus
with blue robins eggs
they are speckled
and fragile
but oh so beautiful
and amongst
the magical twigs
and hairs of animals
she carefully selected
each one
to make her lair
where creation
is the yearning
of all her heart
and she dreams
little bird dreams
in mother’s house
under the stars
of weaving together
planets
and universes
and moon beams
and fantasizes
about the thread
the silky thread
smoothly
looping in and out
of the pristine white
fabric
using long
feminine nails
to rhythmically
pull the needle
in and back
in and back
and sprinkle glitter
on the paint
and tie things together
with bright colors
sometimes
if you listen closely
you can hear her
chirping her song in there
where the baby once lye
or none at all
singing knit knit
sew sew
and build my nest.

~Jenny

A Rainy Wednesday Morning

the cats’s in the cradle
and I’m in my bed
my head is clear
but my body aches
I don’t have to worry
about certain things anymore
such a relief
but now I have to worry
about other things
things I should have
respectively
been worried about
all along
I didn’t have the strength
I made it into work today
I kept asking myself
what for
why are you pushing yourself
as my soul whined
that it just wanted to go
somewhere
to be alone today
2 and a half more
days
but the words
don’t wish a day of your life away
by those older and wiser
echo in my head
he’s shutting me out
and I just want to run
and hide
I’m tired
the cat likes closets
tries to get into them
while I try to get ready
for work
I don’t blame her
maybe she is trying to tell me
something
I’d like to be
in a closet today
too
and explore
a new small space
in comforting darkness
and aloneness
just for a while

~Jenny

The Voice

Do you remember that time
you were on your friends roof
only 5 years old or so
and you were all sitting on there
it was the roof of a shed
or some other not very high
structure
but
in your little mind
you thought
it was much higher than it was
there were autumn leaves
all about
and you all got in trouble
for being up there
to a grown person
it wasn’t very tall
but to a little one
it could have been
...detrimental

Do you remember that time
when you, your brother
and his friend
were playing
in the tree
as children always
like to climb
a tree
and he got stuck
and was hanging
there
screaming
afraid
and you ran full speed
to the house to get help
from the friends father
it seemed like an impossible
journey
so worried about your brother
to an adult
it may have been
a short fall
but to a little one
it could have been
detrimental...
~Jenny