Wednesday, December 29, 2010

There is no substitute
for kindness
for choosing kindness
for staring in the face
of adversity
with love
for choosing to remain calm
when we would like to be angry
to choosing strength
when weakness
sometimes seems
a better friend

there is no substitute
for confidence
in ourselves
God
the universe

there is no greater beauty
or magnet
than self sureness
patience
self composure
and the tenacity
to remain who we are
deep inside
no matter what
and to answer to
and from that place
only

~Jenny

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Is Idealism..Ideal?

“The templates of idealism and illusion in most relationships fail to match reality.”
~Raymond Alexander Kukkee

“Unless one is bent on being self-destructive, it then may be beneficial to consider that the majority of relationships are based upon the perception of personal, desirable, or even "perfect" ideals subsequently applied to imperfect individuals and circumstance.”
 ~Raymond Alexander Kukkee

Current circumstances today
force me to take a look
at how I am viewing things
my glasses, the invisible
perception kind
are fogged up
and I can’t see for shit
anymore
Idealism
is ruining
my life
EXACTLY
the above quote
I apply perfect
ideals
to imperfect circumstances
and people
all the time
in other words
I want a lot out of life
I want everything
nicely lined up
lace trimmed
just so
to fit the template
in my head
my formed beliefs
now maybe
misconceptions
do our ideals
help us to keep striving
for happiness
and a better life
forcing us to not settle
for less
or do they damage us
and those around us
never really letting us
enjoy
what we have
if we lower our ideals
will we have
fewer outrageous
expectations
of people
will we be better able
to just roll
with the dirty
stinky punches
of life better
just flow down the river
come what may
cause the river
is always
changing course
it’s fluid
and moving
and never the same
from one moment
to the next
is the ideal
now to say
fuck ideals
fuck disappointments
fuck worries
fuck over organizing
micro managing
over planning
expecting perfection
and everyone to behave
exactly
as we would have them
can life
be more enjoyable
and more peaceful
without
ideals

~Jenny

Friday, December 17, 2010

....And Here We Have, Everyday Life

you should
enjoy
every
little
moment
the words you write
the movement of the pen
a slow
methodical voice
breath in and out
deeply
slowly
feel
the joy
in your heart
in menial tasks
what gives you
sensory
and inner satisfaction
the sound of paper
crinkling
the sound of dialing
a phone
the sound of typing on
a keyboard
the smell of a candle
the site of it’s flame
gently flickering
and if you listen closely
you can hear the sound
of the flame
dancing
the smell of cold
the smell of snow
the silence of winter
the sound of rain
the sound of you
swallowing
breathing
working
playing
cleaning
laughing
talking
whispering
living

~Jenny

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Will you remember this time
when you are in eternity
hanging
from my bosom
comforted
by my presence
in the quiet
and it is all
a distant memory
blown away
like dust
out of the hand
with one breath
and you will remember
but not go back
we will reminisce
together
and know
it was
but never again

~Jenny
“Thank you for being my friend and directing light in my path to the divine” the last line, in a letter to me received this morning, from someone I do not know that well, but have spoken to on the phone many times, just listening, and offering what I could here and there. I almost cried. Yet I just found out, I am a friend. I have to try to be a friend, try to give some solace, offer myself as a confident, and be willing to help where I can, to get the fuck out of my misery.  Like attracts like, good friends attract good friends, comforting people attract comforting people. I’ve forgotten how to look at things in a different way. It always comes back to this though.  How can I help. Who can I put my arm around and tell it will be ok, who can I lend and ear to, who can I be that person to that is always there to relate, a constant. How can I be all that I look for and yearn for in other people.  I’ve been very wrapped up in myself and my problems.  Perhaps, this is the only way out, and if not, maybe it’s the best distraction from wallowing, and a way to serve a purpose.

~Jenny

Friday, December 10, 2010

Earth From Mars

Earth from Mars

We are just another star in the sky
if you look closely
we just shine
like the others
and no one out there
thinks to think
if that is a planet
or a star
the tiny light
in the sky
with all the others
just makes a beautiful
night picture
and no one out there
knows
if you had a bad day
if you had a good day
if you were born
or if you will die
because
they may wonder
in the scope of the whole universe
if there are others out there
but probably
not specifically
on our one
little star
in the night time
sky

~Jenny

Roy's Haiku

The dog smiles when met
at the door by familiar
I smile as I see his face

~Jenny

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A Divine Dispensation

you have spent
your whole life
learning
through relationships
that does not have
to be the case anymore
relationships
do not always have
to be for grueling
spiritual
lessons
or learning how
to love somebody
or yourself
you can be set free
of this bond
of all of these past
bonds
and potential
future bonds
of pain
and tough lessons
through relationships
simply by this awareness
relationships
can be for expressing love
and simply cultivating
the lessons in love
you have learned
your whole life
so your set free
free to be who you are
free to learn in another way
that can be beautiful
and satisfying
go fly with yourself
and love
just be free
to just love

~Jenny

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Desomber

I used to look at her site
everyday
of flowers
and twigs and such
but now
not so much

while I still enjoy
I have dreams to weave
of my own
in this world
where I feel
so alone

and the Ferris wheel
twirls round and round
sometimes I’m up
sometimes
the ground

and a strange
voice
that sometimes
calls my name
remains silent in these days
that are all the same

~Jenny

I Will Not Comply

Ah, Seven of Nine. She's tough, she's a bad ass, she's smart, she's pretty...and she has on many occasions disobeyed direct orders from the captain.  She was captured and assimilated by the Borg as a child.  She was rescued by Captain Janeway who along with many friends aboard Voyager have tried to teach her about being an individual after being separated from the collective of the Borg. She has trouble with social situations, but she manages, and does not seem to care what others think.  She says things such as "I will not comply",or  "I will adapt" when faced with a difficult new situation, and is very technical, yet struggles with her new emotions from becoming human after being a drone most of her life.  She does not dwell on guilt but uses those human conditions for reference for future situations.  Many times in my life I think of this character to learn how to relate to the world in my current state.  Today I find myself having to repeat "I will not comply" several times. 

~Jenny

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Let’s pretend for a day
that we are a highly
evolved alien species
come to observe humans
in their present state
that our bodies
are soft and pliable
that we don’t require
anything
that we do not have
numerous, countless
yearnings and cravings
that we are suspended
in a perfect state
of stationary
satisfaction
to just be
in the bodies
in the existence
that we have
that our heart
rules our corporal
mental
emotional
functions
and we observe
with amazement
and compassion
and we are soft
and half smile
all of the time
we feel gentle
and flowing
and fulfilled
and complete

~Jenny
















If the world
ended
today
and there was
no one
left
I would go
to Washington
and eat
every
last
piece
of the
marzipan
White House

~Jenny

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Earth From Outer Space

This just in today
a medium sized
habitable planet
discovered 
40 light years away
oceans
land
oxygen
blue green
in color
rotating around
a binary sun
in a solar system
with gas giants
ringed planet
and asteroid belt
sensors
working on picking up
life signs

~Jenny

Forgiveness

Driving home from work yesterday
I thought of him.
My thoughts of him
are often wanting to beat
the shit out of him
if I ever see him again
like he did to me.
I was sixteen
he unleashed so much anger
hatred and violence
on my body
on my mind
on my life
on my soul
It was one of my first
experiences of romantic love
and I loved him
so much
and that experience of love
was destructive
and violent
it destroyed a part of me
Our last conversation
on the phone
after I had safely
gotten away from him
was me saying
“you shouldn’t have beaten
me like that.”
Him: “that’s between me and God.”
Me: “God didn’t hold me down
and beat the shit out of me, you did.”
Him: “that’s between me and God.”
My thoughts: “no, "I’m sorry", no regret?
No consolation for your part, your damage?”
Me: “you shouldn’t use God as a crutch.”
Us: Click....dial tone.
Me: Into my mother’s room. Crying.
Her: handing me a pillow
to beat the shit out of.
Yesterday: driving home.  Feeling like
I really can forgive now. Wishing him
a good life. Imagining if I ever saw him
instead of him having to go
to the hospital
and me prison
like I’ve played out many times
in my head,
me saying instead,
it’s ok, I forgive you.
He was and maybe is still
very sick, and miserable
he may be in terrible need of forgiveness
maybe not
but I am in terrible need
of forgiving
and I am in terrible need of
forgiveness from some others
and with one word they may not
even know they could release me
so should I not do the same for him?
I will probably through my life
have to remind myself
a million times
that I want to forgive
that I do forgive
and I want so much good
for all of us
and with those realizations
I heard a lock turn
and so much open up
and just knew everything
will be ok
now
maybe this will open
some beautiful things
my heart
and it feels good
different from any other time
before
compassion in action
so where ever you are
I forgive you
and it’s ok.

~Jenny