There is no substitute
for kindness
for choosing kindness
for staring in the face
of adversity
with love
for choosing to remain calm
when we would like to be angry
to choosing strength
when weakness
sometimes seems
a better friend

there is no substitute
for confidence
in ourselves
God
the universe

there is no greater beauty
or magnet
than self sureness
patience
self composure
and the tenacity
to remain who we are
deep inside
no matter what
and to answer to
and from that place
only

~Jenny

Is Idealism..Ideal?

“The templates of idealism and illusion in most relationships fail to match reality.”
~Raymond Alexander Kukkee

“Unless one is bent on being self-destructive, it then may be beneficial to consider that the majority of relationships are based upon the perception of personal, desirable, or even "perfect" ideals subsequently applied to imperfect individuals and circumstance.”
 ~Raymond Alexander Kukkee

Current circumstances today
force me to take a look
at how I am viewing things
my glasses, the invisible
perception kind
are fogged up
and I can’t see for shit
anymore
Idealism
is ruining
my life
EXACTLY
the above quote
I apply perfect
ideals
to imperfect circumstances
and people
all the time
in other words
I want a lot out of life
I want everything
nicely lined up
lace trimmed
just so
to fit the template
in my head
my formed beliefs
now maybe
misconceptions
do our ideals
help us to keep striving
for happiness
and a better life
forcing us to not settle
for less
or do they damage us
and those around us
never really letting us
enjoy
what we have
if we lower our ideals
will we have
fewer outrageous
expectations
of people
will we be better able
to just roll
with the dirty
stinky punches
of life better
just flow down the river
come what may
cause the river
is always
changing course
it’s fluid
and moving
and never the same
from one moment
to the next
is the ideal
now to say
fuck ideals
fuck disappointments
fuck worries
fuck over organizing
micro managing
over planning
expecting perfection
and everyone to behave
exactly
as we would have them
can life
be more enjoyable
and more peaceful
without
ideals

~Jenny

....And Here We Have, Everyday Life

you should
enjoy
every
little
moment
the words you write
the movement of the pen
a slow
methodical voice
breath in and out
deeply
slowly
feel
the joy
in your heart
in menial tasks
what gives you
sensory
and inner satisfaction
the sound of paper
crinkling
the sound of dialing
a phone
the sound of typing on
a keyboard
the smell of a candle
the site of it’s flame
gently flickering
and if you listen closely
you can hear the sound
of the flame
dancing
the smell of cold
the smell of snow
the silence of winter
the sound of rain
the sound of you
swallowing
breathing
working
playing
cleaning
laughing
talking
whispering
living

~Jenny

Will you remember this time
when you are in eternity
hanging
from my bosom
comforted
by my presence
in the quiet
and it is all
a distant memory
blown away
like dust
out of the hand
with one breath
and you will remember
but not go back
we will reminisce
together
and know
it was
but never again

~Jenny

“Thank you for being my friend and directing light in my path to the divine” the last line, in a letter to me received this morning, from someone I do not know that well, but have spoken to on the phone many times, just listening, and offering what I could here and there. I almost cried. Yet I just found out, I am a friend. I have to try to be a friend, try to give some solace, offer myself as a confident, and be willing to help where I can, to get the fuck out of my misery.  Like attracts like, good friends attract good friends, comforting people attract comforting people. I’ve forgotten how to look at things in a different way. It always comes back to this though.  How can I help. Who can I put my arm around and tell it will be ok, who can I lend and ear to, who can I be that person to that is always there to relate, a constant. How can I be all that I look for and yearn for in other people.  I’ve been very wrapped up in myself and my problems.  Perhaps, this is the only way out, and if not, maybe it’s the best distraction from wallowing, and a way to serve a purpose.

~Jenny

Earth From Mars

Earth from Mars

We are just another star in the sky
if you look closely
we just shine
like the others
and no one out there
thinks to think
if that is a planet
or a star
the tiny light
in the sky
with all the others
just makes a beautiful
night picture
and no one out there
knows
if you had a bad day
if you had a good day
if you were born
or if you will die
because
they may wonder
in the scope of the whole universe
if there are others out there
but probably
not specifically
on our one
little star
in the night time
sky

~Jenny

Roy's Haiku

The dog smiles when met
at the door by familiar
I smile as I see his face

~Jenny

A Divine Dispensation

you have spent
your whole life
learning
through relationships
that does not have
to be the case anymore
relationships
do not always have
to be for grueling
spiritual
lessons
or learning how
to love somebody
or yourself
you can be set free
of this bond
of all of these past
bonds
and potential
future bonds
of pain
and tough lessons
through relationships
simply by this awareness
relationships
can be for expressing love
and simply cultivating
the lessons in love
you have learned
your whole life
so your set free
free to be who you are
free to learn in another way
that can be beautiful
and satisfying
go fly with yourself
and love
just be free
to just love

~Jenny

Desomber

I used to look at her site
everyday
of flowers
and twigs and such
but now
not so much

while I still enjoy
I have dreams to weave
of my own
in this world
where I feel
so alone

and the Ferris wheel
twirls round and round
sometimes I’m up
sometimes
the ground

and a strange
voice
that sometimes
calls my name
remains silent in these days
that are all the same

~Jenny

I Will Not Comply

Ah, Seven of Nine. She's tough, she's a bad ass, she's smart, she's pretty...and she has on many occasions disobeyed direct orders from the captain.  She was captured and assimilated by the Borg as a child.  She was rescued by Captain Janeway who along with many friends aboard Voyager have tried to teach her about being an individual after being separated from the collective of the Borg. She has trouble with social situations, but she manages, and does not seem to care what others think.  She says things such as "I will not comply",or  "I will adapt" when faced with a difficult new situation, and is very technical, yet struggles with her new emotions from becoming human after being a drone most of her life.  She does not dwell on guilt but uses those human conditions for reference for future situations.  Many times in my life I think of this character to learn how to relate to the world in my current state.  Today I find myself having to repeat "I will not comply" several times. 

~Jenny

Let’s pretend for a day
that we are a highly
evolved alien species
come to observe humans
in their present state
that our bodies
are soft and pliable
that we don’t require
anything
that we do not have
numerous, countless
yearnings and cravings
that we are suspended
in a perfect state
of stationary
satisfaction
to just be
in the bodies
in the existence
that we have
that our heart
rules our corporal
mental
emotional
functions
and we observe
with amazement
and compassion
and we are soft
and half smile
all of the time
we feel gentle
and flowing
and fulfilled
and complete

~Jenny

If the world

ended
today
and there was
no one
left
I would go
to Washington
and eat
every
last
piece
of the
marzipan
White House

~Jenny

Earth From Outer Space

This just in today
a medium sized
habitable planet
discovered 
40 light years away
oceans
land
oxygen
blue green
in color
rotating around
a binary sun
in a solar system
with gas giants
ringed planet
and asteroid belt
sensors
working on picking up
life signs

~Jenny

Galaxy

The mother spilled her milk
in our corner of the universe
milk, the sustenance
of babies
of all warm mammals
with heartbeats
and eyes
is it any wonder
that our experience
of creation
is called
the Milky Way

~Jenny

I can’t remember
when these jeans
I am wearing
were new
and the knees
were not torn
and the buckle
didn’t constantly
come undone
and all of the rhinestones
were still in tact
I can’t remember
just like I can’t remember
why I have kept
that fucking
toaster oven
coach
bookcase
dresser
microwave
mattresses
big oozing
sores
that I have carried around
for years
from one place to another
shouting
you don’t deserve more
make due
make due
I should have saved
I should have saved
each dollar
as a testament
to how I feel
about myself
and a love note
to say
you
deserve more
and eventually
the things build
up
and they are not just things
but daily reminders
that I was worth it
I’m not 14 anymore
I’m 35
right on the edge
of becoming an adult
right on the edge
of giving a fuck
about myself
and what I want

~Jenny

Humor Me

I know I'm often all over the place on this blog
but the nice things is....it's MINE--
So today on the way to work I heard the below song.
I used to hear it sung by numerous people
when I used to go Karaoke.
I really never sung, unless I was extremely
drunk, I loved to listen to people sing.
There was the good, the bad and the ugly
about the life I was living.
But Dammit, it was fun at times, very fun.
and free---sitting at the table or at the bar
drinking beers.  Sitting at home, and on a whim
getting a call for some unplanned rabel-rousing.
And I will not lie.  I love a good dive bar every now
and then.  These days it seems to be more occasional
respectable like establishments that are not
closed down by any means, just briefly
visited and usually there is dinner
or some snacks involved.
With all these changes coming,
I feel as though I'm loosing myself
and going to the other end of the scale
the prissy lissy good lady scale.
Sometimes, you gotta fight for who you are
You gotta fight inside and out. With yourself
and those around you, and demand your right
to remain an individual, to pursue your dreams
remember your spunk and your strength
stand up for what you love, and what you hate
who you were, who you are and who you say
you never will become.
So--I like a good dive bar every now and then
and I like my hair just so, and I like some cases
of the Fuck-its---we're all allowed those moments
cause when you set aside the dive bars
and the occasional case of the Fuck-its
and replace them with all households goods, respectable,
starched collar only, do as I say, second guessing
yourself to the point you can't make a decision
for  yourself anymore, that's when the heart attacks come.
That's when tiredness perpetuates and feeds off itself,
and that's when you let your dreams get eaten.
Turn it up.  It's good.
~Jenny

"Jobs for People Who Don't Like People"

This was the title of an article on Yahoo today.
I do not have any of the qualifications for the jobs listed.
Such as computer programmer, accountant etc. However,
I am a writer, and I am an introvert~the article mentions both.
It's nice to know that I'm not a freak though.  This article
brought a lot of comfort.  I don't like to make small talk, usually.
I feel very uncomfortable around groups of people.
It hurts my skin sometimes. Sometimes more than others,
and it becomes unbearable.  And I don't want to pretend
to be a social butterfly, or to posses amazing social graces anymore.
I love my people, that's different.  My people are my family,
my boyfriend/best friend, animals, a couple friends, very few
here and there.  Books, art, music, movies, nature.
The older I get, the more introverted I seem to become.
The less I want to try.  It's nice to know I'm not "alone"
as ironic as that may sound.  That there are others out there
who feel this way too.

~Jenny 

I have the Van Gogh blues
whirling
in swirling colors
in my mind
there is no one
place
where each stroke
ends
and the next begins
the painting
tells a continuous story

and other artists
and writers
visit too
there will be ladies
on the lawn
having tea
there will be women
with umbrella’s
holding a child’s hand
there will be figures
with haunting
mysterious stares

I will not eat the paint
but I will sit
on the bench
in the museum
during my sleeping hours
and just gaze
the pictures
make no sense
they do not speak
they only feel

sometimes
I live
in a yellow house

~Jenny

Casual Conversations

when you come to the end
of the line
I will be there
when I come to the end
of the line
you will be there
with dandelions
in our hair
it all doesn’t make sense
not now
bear fountains
with light up eyes
and smoke
maybe I should have
kept my mouth shut
they don’t understand
doling out snippets
of washed up memories
coming out awkward
and afraid
self analyzing
the bullshit

~Jenny

11/11

It's good that this day
came and went
without me even realizing
what day it was

It's good that this day
came and went
with me going to the doctor
to take care of myself
with me showing up for work
and paying my dues

It's good that this day
came and went
like 17 years ago
faded into oblivion

We are not meant to hold on
to things
but to let go
and live

I'm still standing

~Jenny

Suburbs

She rode that pink huffy all over the neighborhood
white wheels, cushy pink seat, and it flew like the wind.
Especially the time her friend’s dog Bandit, such a mean old
yellow dog, always barking and snarling wanting to bite somebody,
just waiting till the day he got free of the fence so he could sink
his teeth into her flesh, chased her all the way down the street.
That bastard dog hopped the fence, barking and running after her
she peddled hard and fast as she could with his teeth and saliva
and barking right on her heels, all the while screaming at the top of her lungs.
She turned the corner, almost home, almost home, “how the hell am I gonna
hop off this bike and run in the gate without him getting me?” She thought
while she peddled and screamed.  She turned that corner and that dog fell back,
stopped his chasing and barking and salivating, she out peddled
and out screamed him, but around that corner, right
there was another bastard, that older than her next door neighbor
Danny, laughing his fool head off. He had seen, and heard the whole thing.
It seemed he was always there, watching, waiting to make some fun of her,
or anyone, just like that dog couldn’t wait till the day he could hop the fence.
One time, her bedroom facing his in the house next door, he caught her,
caught her dancing her little girl fool head off, dancing up a storm with
the pink mini blinds wide open.  And he may have said something, the day after
at the bus stop. Or he may have just stood there, pointing and laughing again.

Foaming With Dreams

Carried away
I get carried away
on the big sea
in the big waves
blue and green
sometimes
tossed and turned
sometimes riding high
looking on at the distant shores
of every possibility
and I trust ocean
sometimes forgetting
the ocean behaves
as she wants
and I am simply here
along for the glorious ride

~Jenny

Anatomy

notice the heart
located
in the left cavity
of the chest
pumping
it’s red love
essence
to make it’s way
up into the brain
to permeate the noodles
in that sauce
that gives it flavor
flexibility
and ethers
of right thinking
notice the heart
it is the size
of a fist
lightly clenched
releasing
and squeezing
releasing
and squeezing
those we love

~Jenny

Emotion

"Vulcans, as a matter of custom and policy, suppress or think past all emotional influence by living lives of rigid emotional self-control through meditative techniques and training of mental discipline. Vulcans are not depicted as having no emotions; although they themselves make this claim, Vulcans are an exceptionally emotional people. They developed techniques to suppress their emotions precisely because of the damage they can cause if unchecked. In one episode of Star Trek: Voyager, Tuvok explains that Vulcans' natural emotions are "erratic and volatile"; if Vulcans do not strongly repress emotions, they can get violently angry in an instant. T'Pol once stated that paranoia and homicidal rage were common on Vulcan prior to the adoption of Surak's code of emotional control. In the original series episode "The Savage Curtain", Spock meets Surak and displays emotion, for which Surak reprimands him, and he asks forgiveness." From Wikipedia

Hearts

It’s something tangible
lying there
dying on the floor
it’s in the hospice care stage
and I know the end is coming
and I cried over it
like I did him
instead of reading bible passages
like I really wanted to
but was afraid
I would look dumb
or that wasn’t what he wanted
I can read them now
he said it would be ok
I cried over it
uncontrollably
they saw my secret place
as I held my hand
to my heart
and now I know
that no matter
the consequences
of that pouring out
that it was love
pure love
and honor
for another
honor
for all of our places here on this earth
a tribute for all of our actions
roles we play
friends we make
people we come to love
it was an expression
of love.

~Jenny

Your Soles

what’s on the soles
of your feet
are they hard
or soft
new
or worn
dirty
or clean
would you like
to have them anointed
with oil
would you like
to have them anointed
with perfume
would you like
a carefully placed hand
to press it’s fingers
into just the right spot
and release them
are they wrinkly
are they smooth
do they stink
have you washed them
today
do you go to bed
with them dirty
do you rub them
against your lovers
under the blankets
do they hurt
do they feel good
do they like to feel
the warm sun baked sand
on their surface
what kind of shoes
do you cover them with
sandals
business shoes
heels
flats
tennis shoes
or do you
leave them bare

~Jenny

Generosity

I dreamt last night
that there was something wrong
with my heart
and they opened me up
to fix it

I feel bad
you have to do
everything for me
when you fill my belly
fill my tank
fill my pocket
so I can give it away
to creditors
it makes me cry inside
and it fills my heart

and makes me wish
there was something
I could do for you
besides love you
the best that I can
each day

and use the word
appreciate
but it seems so little
compared to the pile
that has been built up
the pile of unselfish
deeds
and gestures
next to my ant hill
makes me feel ashamed
and I wish there was
something more
I could do.

~Jenny

Perpetual Motion (thinking outloud)

Could perpetual motion be used for space travel?
I keep envisioning something like a gyroscope
spinning
it releases a tremendous amount of unseen
energy
but what would we use?
What would it be made of?
Solids, liquids, gas?
Molecules?
maybe a long rod
with bars on each end
one slightly higher than the other
with metal balls on the end of each
contained in a casing
A lite amount of energy
to get it going
could produce
a build up
of energy
greater
than the amount of energy
to start it
whatever it is
would it encompass the ship?
Would it be in an engine
inside the ship?
It could be contained
at the back of the ship
with an outlet
that would push
the ship
through space
at increasing speeds
always the same amount
of energy
in the container
to keep the perpetual motion going
but a valve to control
the amount of energy released
No fuel needed
unlimited power
to hurtle us through space
and continue
on a journey
to who knows where
and make it home
too.

~Jenny

After writing this I did some research and noticed on-line that someone created a perpetual motion machine in September by using gravity.  If we were able to create one for space travel, perhaps it could also be used as a way to supply gravity within the ship.  I thought it was funny though that at the end of the article we have this

"The machine will not be patented in full; the patent office could register different parts of the AOGFG but not the machine in totality. This because the machine’s claimed to be a perpetual motion machine that produces more energy than it consumes, and machines such as this are considered to break the first law of thermodynamics – “This states that energy can be changed from one form to another, but cannot be created or destroyed.” But still in all hopes we wish such a machine is real to answer our energy woes."

Well I say phooey on the law of Thermodynamics. (sorry to a certain scientist I know)

Here is a picture of the machine from the article and a link:
http://www.thisissomerset.co.uk/news/Inventor-makes-machine-breaks-laws-physics/article-2643638-detail/article.html
(I'm terrible at links, so if this doesn't work just copy and paste)

Thursday 5pm

tonight
I would like to be somewhere
somewhere I can
drink a beer..or two
eat peanuts out of a bag
throw the shells on the floor
and smoke a few cigarettes
....all at the same time.

~Jenny

Dead Poets

pardon me
I do not mean to judge
the greats
of the greats
but should they be heroes
forever in literary eternity
those who picked a vice
and perfected it until the end
choosing to stay there
and pen it down
with the only evolution
within that vice
and not evolution
into a different
state of being
or reality
while we are in their place
they are our heroes
but their glory fades
for those
who move out of it
however slowly
and we look for some other form
of nourishment
for where it is
we find ourselves now.

~Jenny

A Quote From The Master

“I don’t know if I’m forgetting things, or if I just can’t remember.” ~Matt Jakositz

Thoughts For A Wednesday

I saw a homeless man sitting on an off ramp on the way to work today.  I had seen him the day before too.  I pondered giving him some money, but while I try to decide if this is someone taking advantage of everyone or not, the light always changes and there is no time to stick my hand out the window.  I don’t have much to give, so I try to be careful if I do give anything it would go to someone who is really down on their luck, or really needs it.  But I suppose this isn’t for me to decide-so says God.  Today, there was a police man behind me as the homeless man sat in front of a sign that read “no soliciting.”  He sat there with headphones, his sign, and a bucket with a rock in it that he used as a drum.  On the loud speaker, the police man told him to move on in not so many words.  I saw the homeless man hang his head down, almost embarrassed and shake his head yes, as if he knew he was really not supposed to be there—according to law.

But was he supposed to be there according to universal law?  Do we make these laws so we do not have to worry about the feelings I described above? So we do not have to make the choice for ourselves on whether or not we should lend a helping hand? Out of sight, out of mind? To save us from our guilt if we do not?  I almost wanted to give him something even though just for the fact that he was being told to move on.

Sure, we can think–why doesn’t he just get a job, or there are avenues set up within the government to help feed him and perhaps even teach him the skills to get him on his feet to start a self sufficient life.  But I think some are incapable.  And as I thought this this morning, my mother’s words rang in my head.  She says “Jesus said that the poor will always be with you.” And they will.  They will always be among us, and we will always be forced to make a decision about what we would like to do about that personally.  Sometimes within the time it takes for a light to change from red to green.

~Jenny

I'm adding this to my bucket list.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/jacketcopy/2010/10/nanowrimo-is-coming.html
http://www.nanowrimo.org/

Turtle

here we have turtle
transformed from hare
after numerous hunts
being chased by foxes
and men on horses
fur flying everywhere
chemicals of fear
released from skin
through glands
into the air

yes, here we have turtle
she is slow
unlike hare

turn her over
and observe her soft underside
do not poke with a stick
or examine too closely
just look
and see that the shell
is softer
underneath
more vulnerable
than the hardness on top
it is smooth and light colored
it is vulnerable
and secret

she is very slow
turtle takes her time
perhaps she is just tired
turtle is closer to the ground

notice how turtle
retreats with her head
and legs into her shell
when danger is near

she is wise
and very old
yes, here we have turtle
notice
observe
touch lightly

~Jenny

Shoes

It seems
she was born
with big shoes
bigger than her feet
which lay inside
which were quite small
quite small indeed
the shoes
a cross between
a clowns
and
work boots
they were lighthearted
yet served a purpose
and sometimes
due to their
immense size
in relation
to her small feet
unable to really feel
and control
the contraptions
at times
stepped on toes
as she clomped around
this big round earth
shared with those
who mostly wore shoes
that fit
or else
ran around bare foot

~Jenny

Afternoon Poem

What mellow words
roll off your tongue
I am searching for
the perfect combination
of meaning with sounds
that are so pleasing
they send a shock
of pleasure
to an unknown place
in your body
or outside of it
somewhere
words like
mulberry
pontiff
precipice
precisely
the pontification
precisely
of the precipice

~Jenny

Haiku

I can't write Haiku
I can't write Haiku for you
no Haiku for you

~Jenny

Today's News Headline Poetry

fury grows in France
tainted celery
man saved by God
Larry King
offers
Jon Stewart
a potty plan
past spurs
secret pilots
credit score
for $0

~Jenny

Wisdom From Star Trek

Rule #1:  Never disobey a direct order from the captain, unless you are planning a mutiny. The ship and your duties will run much smoother if you adhere to the rules--regardless if you agree with the captain or not.

Taking Chances

11/2/2009
You need something that can really make you feel.
You’ve been gone so long, when are you coming home.
You need nature, you need God, you need the stars.
You need warmth and safety, you need us to tell you it
will all be alright.
Just let us handle it, trust us.
Trust Us.

~The Angels

(going through the writings I have saved on my computer at work, after reading this I heard a voice say "when was the last time you took a chance?" It's been so long, I almost cried.  Maybe it's time.)

WWPD (what would Pippi do)

If you want ta know what I’d do, I’ll tell you what I’d do,I would go on playing in my big yellow house
and pretending all sorts of things,
putting on grown up make-up,
telling my friends I’ve flown to the moon and won’t be back,
bake some creme cakes and throw them at thieves,
throw myself a birthday party and take an extra cromulus pill
so that I never ever have to grow up and worry about silly things,
like DNA tests and taxes and such.
I would run away from home for a while on old man
and have picnics with Tommy and Annika,
and feed the mayor dandelions,                       
and learn new cuss words that I could whisper in people’s ears.
That’s what I would do.
Go on being my happy Pippi self and not worrying about the future,
or caring what anyone else thinks.
It’s all the same to me.

~Jenny

Group Photo

here we have
a misch mashed
assembly of faces
in this picture
with inaccurate
descriptions
each one
worn down
by years
of ludicrous
requests
metaphysical
mumbo jumbo
hands tired
and eyes too
from searching for answers
for countless years
where there are none
feeling around
in the dark
standing on words
spoken by one woman
who thought
she had a vision
and maybe she did
but that foundation
is crumbling
into a terrible pile
of regret
negativity
and years gone
waiting for an answer
for some confirmation
that we were all
supposed to be here for so long
it’s like the god dammed mob
a force so strong
of doubt and fear
of comfort and complacency
that gets more powerful
with each year
stole past each of us
secretly
until the calendar changes over
and we are all still here
with tired faces
unsure voices
negative energies
and you have to wonder
was this a blessing
or was this a curse
is there any other way out
than to just say, enough
and walk away
and have faith
that God will handle
the rest

~Jenny

Sad day, sad day
sometimes
people
give other people
the short end of the stick
because they
don’t have enough stick
themselves
to get through in this life
and the ones that get the short end
have more than enough
for everybody
but it just doesn’t seem right
...doesn’t seem right
I will miss you friend
and wish you everything
that is the best of the best
of the best
that you ever wanted.
Free at last
free at last
God Almighty
your free at last
bittersweet day, bittersweet day

~Jenny

"Sooner or later you will have to put God first in your life, God must become the only thing that really matters.  It need not be and better not be the only thing in your life, but it must be the first thing. When that happens your life becomes simple, richer and infinitely more worthwhile." ~Emmet Fox

Today's News Headline Poetry

Obama weight
stunning new pictures
of galaxies in America
mental-health gangsters
taxing Marijuana
man suffers partial
amputation.

~Jenny

Answers

I went a little crazy sometimes
not because something was wrong with me
but because I have the human condition
like everyone else
I was in love
and when your in love
you can't see straight
and do all kinds of stupid
desperate things
I have learned to not be so hard on myself
for decisions
I made in my life
after all
I chose not to stay married to someone
that was dishonest with me
that was possibly being unfaithful
so I got a divorce
rather than enduring years of a lie
and he was set free
to live the life he wanted
and so was I
I chose every relationship
or my heart
and the human condition
of love
chose for me
but I chose to leave each of those
when it was no longer working
and the cost of maintaining them
just for the sake of maintaining them
I feel would have been far greater
than the pain and the turmoil
of pulling out
and each of them
were free
and able
to go on to their destinies
as was I
and that’s good
that’s very good
now I just have to start seeing
how good it was for me, also
how many blessings
have come about
by being released of those contracts
by circumstance
there may be those
who are jealous
that I do not have a mortgage
children
car payment
I used to fault myself for these things
now, I see them as a blessing
and while these things
can bring blessings
in their own ways
there is a price to pay
as with everything
I consciously chose
to make my life a different one
and today
I do not regret it
and do not want to be ostracized for it
or have it thought
that my problems
or daily life
are somehow less
than yours because of the lack of these things
I had the weight of my choices
and so did you
you chose differently
and our choices
are no ones fault
not even our own
but their fruits
must be managed
sorted and eaten
by ourselves

~Jenny

Elephants

"I have learned to live each day as it comes, and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow.  It is the dark menace of the future that makes cowards of us."  ~Dorothy Day

I have noticed that when things start piling up I get overwhelmed, and instead of setting out to tackle them--I panic and freeze, because I don't know where to start--I want to do it all tomorrow--and then things pile up worse and I panic and freeze more and then stress about what is not getting done and needs my attention and hard work.  I do this with everything--I'm a freezer and a runner. My momma once said to me "how do you eat an elephant?--one bite at a time."  These words have been going round in my head for days, reminding me that if I just make a start of the pile of things on my desk, and take care of one at a time eventually it will become more manageable,  the same for huge goals, relationships, life changing situations that need to be started on. So I can eat that elephant....one bite at a time.....

(why does the best advice from my family always have to do with animals---if you stop feeding "stray cats" they will stop coming around---if you lye down with dogs, you'll get up with flees---hickeys are like an animal pissing on it's territory---don't let yourself be pecked to death by ducks--)

~Jenny

In Another Life

In an alternate universe today
I am a bartender
or patron
waking up at 12:00pm
to start my shift
arriving to serve
all the drunks
who don’t have a job
or have the day off
or have a job
but woke up with a bad case
of the “fuck its’
and called in
I am rail thin
with tight jeans
and a tank top
serving cool glasses
of “we don’t care no more”
with Sweet Home Alabama
or Magic Carpet ride
pouring out of the juke box
and people playing
some stupid
video poker game
or lottery
investing
or dwindling away
their well fare checks
student loans
or hard earned money
and it’s dark in there
and no one knows it’s daylight
on a Tuesday morning
or afternoon
until
the next customer
walks in the door
and the light comes pouring in
as a dim reminder
that all the good people of the world
are “hosing and scrubbing their cars
on their lunch hour”
or putting on their monkey suits
to conquer the ficticious jungle
one more day
and my laugh is cackly
and I cuss...a lot
and they buy me shots
of smooth comfort
and I belong to a biker gang
with something like
“Scars Lady”
on my jacket
and talk
about the ride this weekend
and everyone talks
about nothing of importance
and nothing in particular
except their old man
old lady
or baby daddy
or baby momma
and how their being done
so wrong
but for the moment
feel so right

~Jenny

All children are born artists. The problem is to remain an artist as we grow up.
- Pablo Picasso

Halloween Box

they say death is a lonely business
well divorce is a nasty business
sorting through the box
taken out of storage
13
fucking years
ironic
that I keep all of these things
tied up with my favorite holiday
I sorted through everything
and finally threw out
what I needed too
I threw away his Frankenstein costume
a Halloween snow globe
that had been rotting
teddy bear mummies
that had no place
a half burned coffin candle
and a burned down to wires
bloody Halloween hand
for the first time
I put out the pumpkin lights
my sister gave me
kept the wizard Snoopy
with his broken crystal ball
he’s part of me,
but he doesn’t work anymore
that’s ok
the feeling of relief
to put in the dumpster
what needed to be let go of
I felt like a new person
but stood there
wondering
who this girl is now
with the dark hair again
trying to recreate her life
realizing it cannot be recreated
it has to be something new
something now
mixed in with the best
of who I was then
divorce takes a small portion
of your heart out
and it can take years
to grow back
and when it does grow back
it is still tender
like the new skin
over a wound
and you have to be careful of it
not to bump it
on something sharp
and reopen it
it took mine 13 years to grow back
13 years of my life
gone.....

~Jenny

This concludes my pity party and emotionally throwing up on my blog for the day. Thanks for attending, you're welcome to join me next time.

Compliments

She comes through the door in the morning
lit up like a Christmas tree
“I like your moon” I tell her.
“thank you”
“I like your pets too,
and your oceans and your forests
are beautiful
and I love it when you sigh
at the end of the day.
I like all of your clothes,
you always wear the latest fashions
with each season.”
“Your too kind,” she says.
“Your very welcome, mother earth.”

~Jenny

September 1st, 2008
The day is long and sweet and good.

"After all, we are human beings, we are born full of guilt, we feel terrified when happiness becomes a real possibility, and we die wanting to punish everyone else because we fell impotent, ill used and unhappy."
~~Ralph Hart, Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho.

Sometimes I feel terribly misunderstood to myself and others. I write how I think but I don't always say how I think. I hear a child outside today call for their mother over and over again and it makes my milk run.  I did not know I still had that in me. Why do people leave their children.  Maybe we don't know what a reality it is until we witness it. It feels so good to have been away from work these last few days.  It's sick there. I hate it.  I want to be somewhere else.  I think I would feel happier and free somewhere else. I have to get out of there.  It represents stagnation.  I want to conquer my spirit--not just survive in the world anymore.

"He told me that I was someone who wasn't afraid of pain, and that was good, because in order to master the soul one must also learn to master the body.  He told me, too, that I was using pain in the wrong way, and that was very bad."
~~Ralph Hart, Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coehlo

is it right
that I should have a rant
against you
you
who I asked for help
in my quiet moments
and then everything
fell apart
even worse than before?
Just crumbled in my hands
I’m sorry I asked
what happened
to the whole
he won’t hand you a snake
if you ask for candy
or however the fuck that goes
and yes fuck
that seems to be
my adjective
for fucking everything
this week
and maybe the next
unless I keep my mouth shut
and just be fucking happy
with what I have

~Jenny

do you have any pictures
of Jesus
in lotus position
she asks
I find some
on the internet
chilling
then I look up
at the print in my office
left by the woman
who sat here before me
of Jesus praying
in the garden
and I look over my shoulder
and see the painting of him
also not put here by me
and he says
I’ve been here all along
as if I were silly
to ever have thought otherwise.

~Jenny

Leben, Lieben, Lachen

December 4, 2009

So I'm driving home from work on a cold December night and the Classical radio DJ announces how isn't it funny that the German words for Laugh, Love, Live all begin with an L then launches into a beautiful German Waltz and I'm driving through the world and it's a big merry go round with lights and mirrors and beautifully painted horses we are all riding.  And it blasts out my windows out into the streets for all the bums and tired people that are on their way home.  It's a parade a big merry go round parade with an old Volkswagen Van leading in the front, then a white Mercedes, then my old Gretchen.  I want to start swerving to the music but I would hit the truck beside me so I pull into home and think isn't life funny--so funny.

Crossing Over

I have no time
I apologize
I have some beauty
to look at
I have some of this
life
to enjoy
and find a speck
of nitch in
I have a destiny
and a path
to begin following
that leads to
one point
within my soul
I have kindness to learn
humbleness
to be reacquired
cool air to fill my nostrils
with on a fall morning
I have a bridge to cross
and I bid adieu
my friend
and wish you
everything good
and wish me
the great letting go
of all of you
who haunt my past
my present
but God forbid
my future

~Jenny

I Want To Live In A Cardboard House

I used to play office when I was a little girl.
I loved answering my imaginary phone
and talking to imaginary Mrs. So and so.
And bossing my little friends around.
I even made a play computer one time
out of an old cardboard box.
That computer could do anything
and never crashed.
I loved scribbling on papers
that were posing as important
office documents.
One day, one of my friends got fed up with me
and left.
I guess I wasn’t a good boss.
Things needed to be done my way, dammit,
or they weren’t done at all.
If only I knew back then–
would I still have spent my playtime
playing a career type game?
I also built a cardboard house,
I had huge visions
and worked months on this
with my friend Wynne Wong.
I wanted carpet, wallpaper,
and chandelier, windows
and furniture.
I was obsessed.
When we finally put it all together,
it collapsed on us.
I still remember the smell from that day
out there on the lawn.
It was overcast
I knew we weren’t entirely ready
but if I had kept at trying to achieve
such an adult vision
with little girl resources
we would still be at it today.
I guess back then I didn’t consider
that there would be utility bills
a mortgage or rent
insurance.
Now as an adult I dream of playing
as a little girl
painting
living a life of freedom
and creativity.
It’s strange how things work out.
I'm trying to grow up.
I really am.

~Jenny

The Farmer's Wife

I found this on-line when doing a search for "farmer's wife" pictures for this post.  Perfect-I'm seriously considering reading this book. It's a "Herlequin Super Romance". What has my life come to?  Book club---anybody? 

“Who am I, Why am I here”
rolling on the floor
side splitting
laughter
as if
a book
could tell you
the answer
Me?
I wish I was a farmers wife
at this point in my life
I could get as plump as I wanted
cause women are scarce
on the farm
and plump frames
with hair in a bun
and half falling down knee-hi’s
are sexy
when you’re it
and the only competition
are cows
stray cats
and pigs
I could bake pies
in the afternoon
and rustle up
some fat filled breakfast
for my man
I could feed the chickens
here chick-chick-chick
and milk the cow
and herd the bunnies
my shoes
clomping
and clicking
on the wood floor
of course
he would play his fiddle
at night
and smoke a pipe
like pa
on little-house
and love me
and take care of me
for taking care of him
and fixin
his meals
and mending his clothes
and providing
witty
woman’s talk
yes
I would like to be
a farmer’s wife.

~Jenny

If I Had Words

If God was a man, would he sing and dance for us?

A Morning Gift From The Universe

I woke up this morning after strange dreams

and as I was recalling them

and washing my hands

in half darkness of morning

something moved on the toothpaste cup

and at first startled me

Until I noticed it was a gift

and I was filled with awe and excitement

It was a small Praying Mantis

He was gently carried outside

on the toothbrush cup

and put on a leaf

here is what an on-line article had to say about

the symbolism and message of 

the Praying Mantis

Praying Mantis Meanings in the Realms of Animal Symbolism
The mantis comes to us when we need peace, quiet and calm in our lives. Usually the mantis makes an appearance when we've flooded our lives with so much business, activity, or chaos that we can no longer hear the still small voice within us because of the external din we've created.
After observing this creature for any length of time you can see why the symbolism of the praying mantis deals with stillness and patience. The mantis takes her time, and lives her life at her own silent pace.
These traits have lead the mantis to be a symbol of meditation and contemplation. In fact, in China, the mantis has long been honored for her mindful movements.
The mantis never makes a move unless she is 100% positive it is the right thing for her to do. This is a message to us to contemplate and be sure our minds and souls all agree together about the choices we are making in our lives.
Overwhelmingly in most cultures the mantis is a symbol of stillness. As such, she is an ambassador from the animal kingdom giving testimony to the benefits of meditation, and calming our minds.
An appearance from the mantis is a message to be still, go within, meditate, get quite and reach a place of calm. It may also a sign for you to be more mindful of the choices you are making and confirm that these choices are congruent.

and here is what I have to say about Praying Mantis :

 Mantis–praying
Praying Mantis
what is your gift
so still
and gentle
slowly crawling
towards
my unconscious
open hand
as I review
the dreams
from the dreaming time
and you show up
to interrupt
or validate
the deep thoughts
in my head
thank you
crawl slowly
I will try too
pray
be gentle
in thoughts
and actions
and crawl slowly
you are in my heart

~Jenny

There is a blue vein
in the heart
where the blood flows
and four chambers
that pump
and pump
sometimes
these chambers
get stopped up
and the blue vein
quivers
and it takes your breath away
for a moment
and you wonder
if you are having
a heart attack
or if your heart
is broken

~Jenny

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.


...... Abraham Lincoln

More On The Old New Age

It springs from our need for ritual. Like our ancestors, our pagan ancestors lite fires, moved swayed and danced to the stars and the wind in the trees.  So we pull out the crystals, and the colors, and the chants, meditations, stones, cushions, postures, music, secret formulas. With the world crumbling around us we try to will everything into the hands of invisible beings who speak through actresses and greedy hands. We must have something to believe in.  Is it not enough to see the stars in the sky and know that there is a force between them, holding them up, burning them bright, holding up the earth moving the planets stirring the universe in a mixture of chaos and order.  Shhhh... don’t tell anyone what you have seen here, I was told when I was little to explain the indent we all have in our upper lip, Jesus’s fingerprint telling us to forget so that we can come live this life but not telling us why.  And whether he put that mark there or not...there is still a huge resounding SHHHHHHHH, quiet, everyone, quiet, so that we can hear it when it comes.

Lot's Wife

She set out on the dirt path
sandals in hand because she liked to walk barefoot
and feel the wet earth on her soles.
The city burned behind her and she did not look back
for fear of turning into a pillar of salt
but she knew what burned there
disease, disappointments, stale acquaintances
that were once friends, close friends
she wondered what her life would be like now
now that she was free
and her story was finished, or at least
the first volume could be laid to rest.
What lye ahead she did not know, as she trudged on
with her long brown hair and white gauze dress.
Her steps were lighter and slightly hurried,
as if she had escaped disaster, or a concentration camp.
Clouds lie ahead, moving in with rain that would put
the burning city out, leaving only wet cinders
and quietness at last.
The air smelled of earth and plants and freshness.
She walked on for a while longer,
then dropped her sandals, with a smile
and walked straight up into the cosmos
amongst the planets and twinkling stars
the swirls of colors and galaxies
and rainbows and strange space birds
she was not home yet
but many steps closer.

~Jenny
(8/13/2010)

Spontaneous Anyone?

Let's fly to England
and blow all your money
first we have to get passports
that can take a while
then we have to figure out
how to exchange currency
for those pound things
and find a place to stay
and maybe get some insurance..
oh...and put our shit in storage
and make sure all our debts are paid
then there is the matter of jobs
we can't just very well leave them
in a wink and a good wish
that would look horrible
on a resume
fuck it
I guess dreams
never respect reality
maybe we should just stay home
where it's "safe"

An Impossible State

"The one thing that we yearn for in our living days, that makes us sigh and groan and undergo sweet nauseas of all kinds, is the remembrance of some lost bliss that was probably experienced in the womb and can only be reproduced (though we hate to admit it) in death." ~Jack Kerouac

The New Age Is Dead

Look at the fruits of this
what are the fruits of this
beauty, peace, harmony?
Or impatience,
increasing anger
and despair
disconnection with
fellow man
an increasing lack
of tolerance
and kindness
and love
can this be good?
Look at how it feels inside
it is not right
because heart and soul
say it is not right
or the fruits would be different
such a grip
so subtle
so much confusion
confusion
is not good fruit
so many others
sitting here
at their desks
so unhappy too
so unfulfilled
so drained
from the sucking
the sucking
of your force
of your desire
to help and do good
the more you let them see it
the more they take
so you have to pretend
that you don’t have any answers
and that you don’t care
or they will suck it all out
until it is gone
and you don’t have any left
for the rest of the world
or even for yourself.

~Jenny

I woke up with this song in my head this morning  "have you been half asleep, and have you heard voices, I've heard them calling my name."  Very deep song for a frog.

Great Aunts

down the basement steps
the smell of potluck
there they sat
with their beers
and cigarettes
the darkness of her hair
jet black
and nostrils
so dark and deep
beneath a curved nose
perhaps we were descended
from witches, gypsies
a secret Jewish sect
the dark Irish
this we knew for certain
her eyes pierced me
as if I had done something wrong
as if I had committed
the most heinous act
in all the world
just for being born
I was afraid she was a witch
and would cast a terrible spell
upon me
still
I could not help but revel
in the mysteriousness
of it all
they looked like no one
I had ever seen before
such a contrast to my grandfather
whose hair was black too
but was soft, funny, and loving
and so different from
my grandmothers sister
who too was smoking
and drinking beers
and cackling as she laughed
sitting on men's laps
with red lipstick
and smiles
will my hair turn jet black
as I get older
will I become the mysterious
frightening
witch, gypsy
dark Irish
with nostrils
so deep
and foreboding
my profile
the only evidence
of their nose

~Jenny

Friday

The Accidental Sage

“We do what we can”
he says.
Good advice
I try too hard
today I am focusing
on not being a perfectionist
I have to constantly remind myself
when I push to do more
than I really need to
in each situation
that
“we do what we can”
and leave it at that
it saves me from making myself
crazy
and from making those around me
crazy.

~Jenny

Pippi Disenchanted

She sat me down, with a long face
and said we need to talk.
I bit my lip
and started twirling my braids
with nervousness
She’s the grown up here
I don’t like grown ups

“It’s time for a change Pippi,
we’re running out of gold coins,
Villa Kulla is in disrepair,
Tommy and Annika have gone off
to college and started families of their own. 
Gone are the days, fading they are,
that we could run around town, with wild abandon,
eating candy, buying toys.
Gone are the days that Conrad’s super glue
could fix everything and hold it all together.”

I just sat there, spinning round and round
on my stool.  She said we have to get a real job,
she said we have to make some plans.
She said, we have to do something.
I didn’t cry, because Pippi’s don’t cry.
I thought about running away from home,
but the hot air balloon bed, flying car
and bicycle with no wheels
aren’t working anymore.

So I shook on it, looking into her scared,
grown up eyes, and I promised her
that I would try,
and be that voice to help her
feel strong when she felt scared
to go on interviews, to walk into big places.
To help her when she was feeling afraid
of grown ups,
and make jokes behind their backs
to make her laugh, until one day,
we can live in Villa Kulla again,
and eat candy all day,
search for Schpunks,
and make the mayor eat dandelions
in his sleep.

~Jenny

Poem by host of Star Gazer--Jack Horkheimer

Uncharted suns and planets past all counting,
whirling, twirling down unnumbered years,
nations by the trillion, faintly guessed at,
come and gone and still more yet to be:

Incomprehensible.

Far as man made eyes can reach
and farther.......
perched and poised peer through the night
and seem to beg, plead, cry out in our stead

Peace

If only for one Speck of Time
.......................Speck of Space

tonight

HOPE

J. Foley A. Horkheimer

35 & 5 months

Apartment #G

During those days
I would always think about
what we were going to make
for dinner
was I food obsessed?
Or comfort obsessed?
Normal life obsessed
or reveling
in it anyways
he was always home first
due to the latest lost job
or a different schedule
than mine
or during some periods
he would pick me up from work
and we would drive home
together
the best of these times 
was when it was raining
and we would come in our dark
apartment
and shake off the water
and the cold
and curl into
togetherness
those were the hamburger helper days
back then, drinks were iced tea
milk, kool-aid
we had a bottle of tequila
and margarita mix
in a cabinet
above the fridge
that lasted well over a year
and were thrown out nearly full
as we really had no use for them
the smells
the way the light was back then
in the fall and winter
the ridiculously huge box
of fire works
on the 4th of July
the bigger than average pumpkins
the homemade potato salad
him baking cakes into the early hours
of the the morning
to get just right
me sitting in the middle of the kitchen
on a chair
keeping him company
eating the mistakes
that didn't make the cut
big nights out
were at the drive in
where we would pick up a special dinner
before hand
and wait until sunset
with our mouths watering
to dig into the feast
with the special ranch dressing
talking about jobs
and common things
sitting there in the passenger seat
with the awarness
that I was happy
so happy
I thought I had all my ducks in a row
and in my reality
I did, we did
how do you chase a feeling
how do you chase a state of being
that you have been denied of
and have denied yourself of
for so long.

~Jenny

As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness.
Henry David Thoreau

The State of The Union

I just now figured out
at 35
that outside events
that I had no control over
decisions people in my life made
that I had no control over
were not reflections
of my progress, state of spirituality
or mental health at that time
I cannot measure
my state of being
and whether I was ok or not
good or bad
by these facts
by others paths
why o why
has it taken me sooo long

~Jenny

Pippi Brasco

Have you ever noticed,
that good mobsters
do not directly say
what it is they are going to do to someone
they just imply
what it is that could happen
if they should become unhappy
with the service they are receiving
or with the possibility
of disappointment
that could possibly occur
if they should be
say betrayed,
bothered
put out
or if a job
does not get done
it’s quite eloquent
actually
if you look at it
for example
“if such and such and such....happens
or if you do such and such and such
We’re going to go for a little ride”
while a less than classy mobster would say
I’m gonna wack you over the head
with a shovel
and bury you in a hole
in the middle of no where
or for example
“I will personally deliver it to you”
can mean, your not gonna like it
what I am bringing to you
it’s not a favor
just sounds like one
where the less classy mobster
would just say
I’m gonna come down there myself
and beat your ass
very interesting

~Jenny

Mr. James

Mr. James, Mr. James
where you get your bottle from
Mr. James, Mr. James
out there
workin’ hard
in the sun
you skin is tan
your mind tired
you still don’t have the answers
ev’en tho you been hired
by the Jehovah’s witness man
who tell you your full o’ the devil
for your beliefs
maybe your soul
is too big for Jesus
and he’s afraid he gonna fall in
or your afraid he gonna swallow you up
and love you forever
Your momma
she’s worried
your sisters and brothers
they're tired
put down that bottle
go on to work
‘for you get fired
and shows up at her door
all nice hard workin’
and tan
give it a spell
to do for yourself
and show her
that man
seems to me, that sometimes
you gots to keep your beliefs
to yourself
and go on about your business
and do
what you gotta do
for you

~Jenny

(This is about a lost soul who continues to call in for help where I work.  Won’t you please say a prayer for “Mr. James” in Chilicothe Ohio tonight?)

Woman In The Moon

A Palestinian woman reads from the Quran, Islam's Holy book, as the moon shines during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, in the West Bank city of Nablus, Sunday Aug 22, 2010.

(AP Photo/Nasser Ishtayeh)

Retired

Up each day around 6:00am
too many days
cereal, juice
and a long drive
in traffic
playing the part
airplanes
hotels
meetings
suits
dry cleaners
so today
it is good
that
that is gone now
and that he wakes
most days
when his body tells him to
not to the sound of an “alarm”
and that he takes dogs to vets
and goes on vacations
and jokes that everyday
is like the weekend to him
as he rightfully so
loses track of time

~Jenny

Pakistan

During those times
it matters not if you are rich
or poor
we are all put on this earth
with not even a shred
of clothing
with only our fingernails
teeth
eyes
and the fruits
of organs that lay inside
During those times
it does not matter
who you would vote for
for president
that you are wary from your job
you have no where to go
when you are displaced
wandering the land
that you were given to
we are all naked

~by Jenny

Rest Stop

Kaw your eyes are so blue
blue like the ocean
where you fly over
and drop an olive branch
that plants a seed
that grows a tree
for all the Caws
to rest on the branches
and feast on olives
during their flight
across the sea

~Jenny

The Artist

I would like to learn
how to tenderly
lay out the images
drawing the figures
gently
with loose
but attentive hand
lovingly tracing the figures
and objects
as if I knew them
and create life in them
on the canvas
to trace their hair
and fill it in with jet black
put a sparkle in the eye
a story to the way
they hold their hand
give them a nice table
or couch
to sit on
for eternity

~Jenny

Enough

A few cigarettes
a place to live
a job
a few beers
homemade food
in the belly
people to love
a car
some dreams
clean sheets
clean home
air freshener
nature
dogs
cats
changing seasons
holidays
hugs
pats on the back
it’s enough

~Jenny

A Little Bit of Everything

"Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."
— Gibran Khalil Gibran (The Prophet)

The coffee tasted different this morning
with it’s warmth and sweetness
the smells were different too
and recalled many mornings
waking on my own
there is beauty in both togetherness
and separateness
but oh how to find the balance
and quell the fears
and not step on feelings
driving in Mercedes
with the soft lull
of engine
Natalie Merchant serenades me
on my way to a place this morning
I have obligations
and almost did not make it
but after a shower
and a cup of wakefulness
and comfort
I feel magically recharged
On my station
there are comedies, dramas,
action, tragedies
we are on 24/7
with the occasional
boring commercials
in between
but each show does not go on
forever
If you don't like it
change the channel

~Jenny

Kashmir

I am running out of make-up remover

I need more progesterone cream

I would like to cook a shepard's pie

on Sunday

what am I going to do about all these bills

silly thoughts

compared to the looks on their faces

put a veil

over my head

and send me to Kashmir

 it could be my father

yelling for help

staring back at me

my mother holding on

my brother afraid

or I could be the father

or the mother

or the brother

there are always those 

in the world

at any given moment

who need to borrow a heart

a prayer

and some compassion.

~Jenny

On Guard

There is something out there
that would love to see me fail
but I have an understanding with the soul
and do not intend to fail her again
I have an appointment with destiny
I have reservations being held
for the best of the best
and those he sends through my door
with smiling faces
and big hearts
to match those he is giving me
there is no room for darkness
and I must diligently guard my door
from even the tiniest black mist
that may slide under the crack
if I entertain those again
who do not necessarily mean harm
but could so subtly
undermine the whole operation
if given enough rope
one thread at a time
to hang me

~Jenny

St. Francis And The Sow

The bud
stands for all things,
even those things that don't flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing;
as St. Francis
put his hand on the creased forehead
of the sow, and told her in words and in touch
blessings of earth on the sow, and the sow
began remembering all down her thick length,
from the earthen snout all the way
through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of
the tail,
from the hard spininess spiked out from the spine
down through the great broken heart
to the blue milken dreaminess spurting and shuddering
from the fourteen teats into the fourteen mouths sucking
and blowing beneath them:
the long, perfect loveliness of sow. 

by Galway Kinnell

Mothers

The times on the airplane were the best
undivided attention
virgin bloody marys
and guessing games
of gifts bigger than a bread box
in shiny new pants
with apples on the back pockets

The time in the hospital was the best
undivided attention
a doll in a yellow dress
when waking up
with her at the bedside
after trudging through the snow
in white sweater and brown pants

~Jenny

I Am An American

I am an American
give me hope
I am an American
speak up for me
I am an American
my ancestors fought
for this country
I am an American
restore my patriotism
in what that really means
I am an American
do not take the bread
from my hand
and give it to another
I am an American
if you stop stealing from me
it may give me a chance to share
with you
and show you
what being an American
really means

~Jenny

Poems From The Past

The Actress

May 19th, 2003

I have lived in a world of shadows

beyond my comprehension

A world of illusions

like many props painted

bright unnatural colors

set up on stage

for all the world to see

my Cirque du Soleil

but i have carefully masked the soul part

this has not actually been a play of the soul

but of the shadow

what looked to be a harmless comedy

to the actress

was played out

as a tragedy

to the audience

forgetting her lines

falling down

weeping on stage

for all the world to see

~Jenny

Hubble Deep Field

James Taylor - "Fire & Rain"

Cleveland

 

My heart feels drawn to Cleveland
that’s where I belong
the smell of the airport
the baggage claim
the sounds of the city
nostalgia
vacation
home
pink winter coat
the Terminal Tower
lite up in the night
hanging street lights
snow
my ancestry
my history
grandmas and grandpas
mothers and fathers
pot lucks
I cannot count
the number of stories
of my mothers youth
taking the bus downtown
stories of my father
my grandfather
plumbers
Cleveland National Bank
Lorraine Street
the plays that were all set
on the stage of Cleveland

~Jenny

Freshness

Sometimes we have bad days
and just want to go home
and have someone make us Sloppy Joes
with tatter tots
and read us a story
preferably from the library
with the clear crinkling cover
that makes that delicious noise
every time you open the book
or turn the page
and tuck us in
with fresh floral print sheets
and quilts
in a little cottage
with the window open
and a fresh breeze blowing in
and stay by us until we fall asleep
with the stars shining brightly
outside

~Jenny

War

War is ugly
some of our tenderest souls
have lost their bearings
on the field
and their friends
they take this to the grave
after carrying it around
all their long lives 
in a spiritual duffel bag
full of pain
and visions
no one should have to endure

~Jenny

Monday Morning

Swimming in my own thoughts, inadequacies and fear.
I think someone peed in the pool.

~Jenny

When You're In Love With Your Best Friend

"Little girls get temperamental sometimes"
I said, as we watched The Secret Garden together.
"I know" he said.
"Grown women are all still little girls inside."
I replied.
"That's what I love about you" he smiled.
They say that if you are in love with your best friend,
that gets you through the natural fact
that relationships fluctuate.
When you are in love with your best friend,
most days are like a birthday party,
most nights are like a slumber party,
and simple meals are like Thanksgiving.

~Jenny

Untitled For Another Day

The pedestal
has come crashing down
I always do this
place people at incredibly tall heights
without a ladder
you can’t climb down
I can’t climb up
and maybe
just like the lone sailor
who washes ashore
on the island
of natives
I think you are a god
the savior
only to find out
that you make fire from matches
not magic
and then
I want to hunt you down
and burn you at the stake
for deceiving me
I’m not mentally ill
just illusional
about people sometimes
and my own worth
I get up every morning for work
comb my hair
brush my teeth
put on my clothes
I pay taxes
I try to be a descent person
and if I should find out
that I am wrong
even if eternity passes
I will admit it
I stand up for what I believe in
and try to leave alone what I do not
your rants have become raves my friend
and why is it
that when we are emotionally vulnerable
we repel what we need
and when we turn our backs
what we needed comes back
like a moth to flame
it is just as Jack said
“mankind is like dogs, not gods”
you have to stay mad
you have to snarl and bite
to get a pet or a crumb
or respect
if I saw you in the marketplace 
of “Love In The Time of Cholera”
I would have to tell you
“I’m sorry, I was mistaken”
and turn my back
because I just realized
the truth of the matter is
I am better than you
and maybe this scares you
or maybe
you just don’t care
I always do this

~Jenny

Summer

This time of year is sweltering
tiring
oppressive
but not entirely
there is some comfort
in familiarity
and past memories
of the sun’s debut
upon the stage of the earth
memories of Slip and Slides
the smell of damp towels
after a day in the pool
the peaceful hum
of air conditioners
sitting on patios
with loved ones
in bathing suits
not quite dry
with thunderstorms coming in
and big billowing clouds
offering a momentary reprieve
from the brightness
hamburgers
chlorine rinsing showers
time together indoors
and a feeling that you are surviving
something together
patiently waiting
for pumpkins
and falling leaves
and the rich smoky smell
of fall
as the golden light returns
to welcome more holidays
after long holiday-less months.

~Jenny