Friday, December 28, 2012

Scrambled Eggs

I once read a Buddhist teacher
who said
that we should care for small things
I look at my tiny Christmas ornaments
most from when I was a girl
hung on the tree just so
were not damaged
through my journeys
all still intact
all still so heartwarming
they will be put away with care
I fold my clothes lovingly
I drive my car carefully
I surrounded awe struck
at what I have
is it
a manifestation
of the life I am living
the path I have chosen
is it
some divine intervention
that I should be so fortunate
as to have let the
“precious ring”
slip out of my hands
and into the fire

that I let it go
I am perplexed by it all

the “thing” is still in me
that un-nameable
but now when it tries to speak
I recognize it
I address it
I say
what do you want
why do you want it
we need to figure you out
we need to dig to your roots
so that your foliage
and intact

and I think we all
have umbilical cords
spiritual etheric
umbilical cords
that connect us to one another
that we either send
toxins through
or love and nourishment
we must take care of the
and make sure it grows
each finger
each toe
and especially
the heart


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Take it slow today
like Miles
Miles Davis
slow with the bomp bomp
of the horn
and the tink tink
of the keys
bringing you into
a world of culture
and royalty
not of crowns and jewels
but of life

I had a dream about my mother
last night
it was the end
the end of the world
and I said
what's the big deal
we are just going back
to the place
where we all came from
and she said
maybe you should look at it
the other way around.


Monday, December 3, 2012

you would think that after you get one beast tamed,
it is over,
you would think that after you stop taking a poison
to your lips, or change the way you live your life,
it is over and all is well.

It seems that that is when the REAL work begins.
It’s not all on the outside, not all in stopping
harmful actions. It’s so inner, it’s thoughts,
ideas, beliefs, the way you view life in general.

My next grand task, and undertaking, is to change my
thoughts, to a more positive and loving state.

Jesus was so right, when he said, it is not what we
put in the body, but what comes out of it.
I want to live from my heart. This is a universal
struggle. To quiet the mind. To stop it’s twisting
and bending from sunrise to sunset. The heart...
does not think out loud. In fact, the heart does not think,
it just is, it loves, it feels, the mind is where we kid
ourselves, the mind is where lies come from,
the heart is truth.

So my new mantra for now is the prayer of
Saint Francis, the song keeps going around
and around in my mind. Perhaps my higher
self trying to remind me, to try, to try
to truly come from a place of being all
that it says.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

Thursday, November 29, 2012


I said goodbye to my old 1990 Mercedes 300E today. As I cleaned her out, and watched her get loaded onto the tow truck in the rain to the mechanic that is buying her, I felt sadness. I don't think I have ever been so emotionally attached to a car. She was alive and had a personality to me. We had a rough few months. When I first got her, she was my pride and joy. I didn't have much else and was really struggling in my life, so to have a Mercedes, no matter how old, was an amazing thing to me. And she ran so well for so many years. She had a bad paint job, but she had character. She fit my personality perfectly at that time. Seeing as she was German, I named her Gretchen. The last time before she started breaking down again, I was driving to work, thinking how much I liked her, accepted her. She was, my car through and through. But all good things must come to an end. It's a new era, time for a new car, and new adventures. But I will miss her. On the car ride back to work, my poor boyfriend had to listen to me deal with it the best way I knew how at the time. I belted out my rendition of The Way We Were, and an Evita song. It made me feel better as I let go of her. I will always love you Gretchen and I thank you for all the places you took me.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

last night on the way home from Griffith Observatory, a place where me and my boyfriend had been trying to get to for the last 4 1/2 years (just never seemed to work out for some reason), we were talking about something funny his daughter said. Then the thought hit me, how much he and I have been through together. We have made it through my alcoholism, some of the worst years of it he was there for, made it through my sobriety, made it through him finding out he had a 21 year old daughter and building a relationship with her, made it through a terrible illness with him, unemployment, me moving in, me moving out, numerous nervous breakdowns. We have both invested a lot in this relationship. This is Love. I have learned more about love, REAL love, universal, best friend, soul mate love from being with him, than I have learned from anyone else. We are lucky. Behind closed doors, we laugh, we play, we talk, we are grateful for what we have. We very rarely fight anymore. We have worked a lot out. A lot of people may look good from the outside, but behind closed doors it's no good. My life is not like that. And when someone you truly love is going through a very hard time, you don't bolt on them, there is no time limit to how long they are allowed to have to get it together. And you do that for eachother. You either accept things...or you don't. If there is more good than bad, you stay. Period. If you love, you stay. If they are your best friend you stay. Everything is not perfectly lined up on the outside, especially by some others standards, but, I am happy to be with my best friend. We accept and love eachother. Nothing is perfect, no relationship is perfect. But if it makes you feel good inside, and lucky and happy, and is realy's pretty rare.

Monday, November 12, 2012

this is....grown up life

this is...hard

this joke

this is complex
left behind
taken with

this is everyday..
of your life...
of YOUR life
of your LIFE


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

I have really been wrestling and struggling with something.
I have had to make firm decisions on it, but it is not getting better,
not even after setting up boundaries and drawing a line.

I can speak up for what I want and need,
but....that does not mean I will get everything
I want and need.
I need to accept this and stop fighting against
this problem.

I am praying for the best solution.
I cannot control other people.
And I am definitely trying to control
this situation.
It’s been like building a sand wall,
just when I think it is strong,
and will keep the unwanted element out,
it gets washed away, I am fighting against
the ocean.

I have a choice,
I can just walk away,
but there are concessions being made for me,
so that is not my preferred choice,
or I can stop building this damn wall
of sand,
putting time and energy into it,
to have it washed away.
It is an illusion.

I think I will just sit on the beach
a while and let my skin and bones
soak up the soothing,
warm sun,
enjoy the waves lapping on the shore
the sound of seagulls
the peace that I choose to experience,
and let the kid’s play in the sand
and work it out amongst themselves.

I have stated my position.
Sometimes that is all we
have control over
and all we can do.


Monday, November 5, 2012

I find myself scrutinizing my relationships, how I act, and what I say lately, because, I find that I am becoming more uninhibited as I grow and become the real me. Instead of analyzing myself before I say or do something, as was the norm for a very long time, thus a lot of things did not get said or done, I now do it after the fact. I found this great article from Nancy M on Ordinary Vegan. (I am not Vegan, but I am into achieving emotional sobriety = ) I am also finding that if we constantly try to say or do things based on what others might think of us, we are in essence trying to control what others think of us. That's not a good thing, for us or them~it's...well, controlling, and manipulative, and it keeps me from knowing people and finding out about them, because if I'm busy scrutinizing my next sentence or trying to "behave properly" (my own expectations of how I think I should act) I am missing out on the questions I want to ask someone, and giving them feedback and finding common ground as a human with them. This is a very big deal for me, this stuff and next step I am learning. It's part of my process of growing into a real live grown up lady. We all have these challenges, I know, that's part of the beauty of it, we all go through this shit.

Here is the article I was lucky enough to find on the internet:

"Recently, I heard a speaker give a compelling lecture about “emotional sobriety”. I have never heard that phrase before, and I was immensely intrigued. Understanding emotional sobriety wasn’t hard. Basically, if you build your whole life around being loved and accepted, you may need emotional sobriety. Ask yourself these questions. Do you need to validate what you are doing from someone else and not yourself? Do you have relationships or do you take hostages? When someone asks, “who are you?”, what would be your answer? Often the answer is not who you are, but what you do. I know there have been many times in my life that I needed to be accepted by someone else to feel value, but now I am happy to say I have worked on that, and my center of gravity is no longer false. By the way, it isn’t easy, and it won’t happen overnight. Like everything, it takes practice. Here, are some things that worked for me.

1. Listen to what is most important to you (not others) and add your best self to it.

2. Instead of asking what you expect from life, ask what life expects from you.

3. Let go of your dependence on other people’s reaction. If you have good news, savor it before sharing it with others.

4. Learn to lick your own wounds. Comfort yourself when you are hurt or disappointed.

5. Stop taking your partner, friends or family’s behavior personally. Remember, everything they say and do is about themselves, not about you.

So how do you exist in this new world with this new set of rules? When you put these paralyzing dependencies behind you, you get a glimmer of what real happiness is. Remember, when you add more self to everything you do, it doesn’t mean your selfish. It means you are thoroughly engaged in the process of being and becoming your authentic self. When you live a life that is no longer ignoring your true gifts and talents, there is nothing more beautiful. Don’t be afraid. It won’t be long before others accept the new you, and love you more for it."

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

its quiet here today
inside and out
cell phone laying on desk
water bottle cap open
grasping for something to write
some words
on paper
and its cold out
like autumn
or something
as I hear the soft drone
of a street sweeper
or some kind of machinery
running lulling
and quietly
like my mind
background noise


Monday, October 15, 2012


Today, I celebrate life, as it was meant to be.
Today, marks another milestone that I have not
had a drink in a year and ten months.
I rarely think about it anymore.
I have gotten on with the business of life,
of living.
Today, I can hold my head up high,
I live an authentic life.
I cannot believe that I ever lived
any other way.
Some things I notice are that I am able
to think more logically.
I have learned to tweak and think, and solve
my way out of problems and challenges better.
I am on a moving path, instead of a downward spiral
or stagnant existence.
While I always cared about my loved ones,
I notice that it is even more so now.
Maybe they were always struggling from time
to time, but I notice and it affects me
more deeply now, and I want to do whatever
I can to help. Even if that means being
a constant presence and source of stability
and strength.
It also makes me realize how I must have
caused the same worry of unsettling for them
when I was unhappy or a mess.
It's a good path I have chosen.
It seems to also have chosen me.
The best way I can help those still struggling
with addiction and alcoholism,
is to serve as a quiet example,
that life goes on, that progress is made
that happiness is found in nooks and crannies,
that we can overcome our challenges,
and that begins with recognition
that there is a problem,
and the decision that we want that to change
and are willing to do whatever is within
our power to change that,
and the rest is placed faithfully
and gently in God's hands.


Monday, October 1, 2012

Dear God,
May I live less by the clock
and more by what I do with my time
May I live less by the things I want
and more by seeing what I have
Less by how I think I want things to be
and more by just being here now
Less by striving for perfection
and more by reveling in the beauty
and interestingness of imperfection
may you give me the power
to more than just accept things
but to embrace them
to live them
to stop always wanting more
May you help me jump into this pool
of an imperfect, real and messy life,
and stop thinking about it so much
and just enjoy it wherever I can.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

this is the last
order of business
I had to take care of
to clean out
the old life
I am sorry if I hurt you
it is time to go
for both of us.

I had to level
the playing field
I have placed people
and situations
on impossible
my whole life
and then damned them
when they fell short
of what I expected them to be

Well, I no longer deal
in pedestals,
or high hopes
the ground is leveled
it feels good beneath
our feet
and I can look you in the face
for once.

I will never place you
on lofty heights
away from me
where you can fall
even if I am the cause
of that fall
in my head

we, after all
are all human


Monday, September 10, 2012

Just Another Day

Driving to work this morning
the radio set to the classical music station
scritchity scratching
in between the piano keys
fading in and out
I leave it on anyways
I pull up and forgot
she is not here Mondays
two jobs today
change my date stamp
as always
after two and a half days
it never seems to be enough
put the CD in the CD player
I take out the endless drawn out
and put in Chakras gone wild
yes, today we need some Chakras
gone wild
and I think of Jack Kerouac
and how I need to read his journal
when I get home
because Jack knew
he knew how it was
and my body feels sloooow
and time is slooow
and my healing process
has been slooow
the other morning I woke up
with and irresistible urge
to tear up pictures of you
it all started there
he’s a nice guy
they said
he just has problems
poor him
no, nice guys don’t do that
he was just an asshole
like the rest of them
I try not to play the victim
and I become angry
I have been angry a long time
I did things backwards
trying to forgive first
then becoming increasingly
angry later
until I realize
my anger is at myself
because there is a common
in all of this
and it is me
why did I put up with it
why did I always take it that far
and why am I still thinking
about these things.


Friday, August 31, 2012

I’m cutting the top
off a box at work
and I remember how
at the Deli
Hwan used to sit there
on a short stool in the kitchen
in his green baseball hat
with his sandals on
cutting the tops off boxes
to fill with sandwiches
to deliver to hungry customers
it was so methodical
so important and peaceful
to see him just sitting there
happily cutting the tops
off boxes


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

"Lightworker, do not worry about these things, for the system says you'll be at the right place at the right time. Then, do not assume what right place means. You are dearly loved and all things are appropriate when you are in control of your life."

Thursday, August 2, 2012


I suppose you could say
these wrinkles on my chest
at 37
are from too much fun in the sun
too many late drunken nights
in my youth
too many cigarettes

but they are over my heart
and where some tears fell

they tell a story about me
the story that
I like to sleep on my side
like a baby at night
sighing with happiness
in the comfort of my bed
after a long day

that I lived my life to
the fullest
even if it wasn’t always the best

If I could go back to my
20 something self and say
you better use sun screen
cause you will look haggard
when you get older
you better not spend
time in the “sun”
because you’ll pay for it later

she would say, why not live today
why waste your youth
worrying about what you will
look like in middle age
that is no life

so I am tired of fighting them
I will embrace them
as sacred
as a book without words
containing the lines
of the story of me
and they are beautiful
they mean
that I have lived
and lived to the fullest


Tuesday, July 31, 2012

His shadow beckoned from the hall
Peter stood there
remembering his childhood
dancing around while playing in the yard
not wanting to interrupt the fun
so much so that he risked peeing his pants
rather than interrupt one moment
of the revelry
whatever impossible imaginary game he
was playing that day
to do something as menial
as retire to the
rest room

He could fly during those days
his shadow came to save him
from walking everywhere

Fly, Peter
don’t you remember you can fly?

Out the window
through the joys of childhood
where we battle evil Pirates
with our wit

flying in nightgowns
over seas filled with mermaids

the shadow does not have to be

think of when you were little
did you want to consume anything
other than sugar?
Did you want to take any magic potion
to make you forget?

Of course not
You just wanted to have fun
and it was safe

and that part of you is safe now
the shadow is the child
beckoning you from
across the hall
of years gone by


Wednesday, July 25, 2012


He knelt on the black pavement
shoulder bones pointed out
in agony head in hands
he was morphing
into something painful and new
morphing into angel or demon
monster or mythical creature
and throughout
he appeared to be many of these
who knows which he will become
until the change is complete.
I couldn’t go on
I see it now
and I stand
in the middle
with feelings
swirling all around me
I find myself here
and then the light dawns
I stand
In the middle
with me
the choices
are mine
and must be about
the path
I have chosen
the path
I consciously
in my spirit choose
do I want to experience this time
whose game
do I want to play
whose life do I want to live
it is not, and never has been
about choosing sides
I have always chosen
everyone else’s but my own
even strangers
I choose my side
this time
but that is
not quite right
the word side
because I don’t even have a side
there is just me
standing here
with liquid light paint brush
waiting to let loose
waiting to swirl
the colors
that only I can mix
to paint this picture
to tell this story
on my piece
of the cosmos


Friday, July 13, 2012

it crops up now and then
like a chronic condition
until then
I ignore it
and so do you
I sit there
drinking my coffee
lights low
in the morning
after nightmares
with a part inside myself
“This is bullshit! This is bullshit!”
In the quiet
and nothing gets done
and nothing gets said
I ask myself a million questions
I do not have the answers to
and neither do you
and I wait
and the clock ticks
into eternity
and I wait
and there are
no apologies


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

things I have learned in the last 3 months...

With every period of darkness, there is a dawn

God knows whats good for you more than you do...

If you have self confidence, no one can bring you down

Everyone is not out to get you, Everything does not
have to do with you

If you do the right thing, you will be blessed.
I have been blessed with a beautiful home,
God has put me in a special place.

If you can’t be kind and loving towards someone,
you should at least be neutral and still treat
that person cordially. It is not nice to alienate
anyone because of your own insecurities.

There is a definite reason and plan as to why
things happen the way they happen. Had I not
lived in my parents cabin for a month before moving
on to where I am now, I wouldn’t be as strong as I
am now. It was a time of extreme inner reflection
and being surrounded by the love of my family.
I am like Tawanda (Fried Green Tomatoes) now
and can do anything! After living in fear of being
eaten alive by wild animals, and sucking up that fear,
I can handle anything. Plus I am no longer so
afraid of spiders.

It’s ok to leave some things out of order,
everything does not always have to be
perfect, there is no perfect. The most important
thing to ask yourself is “does this make you feel
comfortable and at peace?” You should strive
to always feel comfortable and at peace.

Your happiness and well being are just as
important as anyone else’s.


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Purging

If I look back I see
the purging of my body
it's taken a long time it seems
I quit drinking over a year
and a half ago.
If I look at pictures of myself
during that first year
I still look like I am struggling
to release the toxins
I look better in them
but I remember
I felt kind of sick
off and on still
Now I'm in a place
where I feel it is done
and my body has started
to create new cells
started to create a new me.
It is an amazing process
to behold and feel.
It is more amazing
how long it can take.

Even more amazing
is the purging of my brain
my spirit
my life.
A lot of negative thoughts
and beliefs have been purged too.
And I see them beginning to be
replaced by new thoughts
and beliefs.
Just like my body had to purge
the toxins
before it could begin creating new cells,
so did my mind and spirit have to purge
to take on a new life.

I am more readily able
to take a non-biased look at things.
I am more apt to choose to respond
with love and compassion
rather than anger and hate
even if anger and hate may be
my initial emotions,
they are often quickly replaced
with a genuine compassion
for others suffering.
After all, that is why
we are all assholes sometimes,
it's because in some way or another
we are all suffering.


Friday, June 22, 2012

Just Write Anything

It’s hot today
driving everybody’s
on everybody’s
else’s ass
in each others lanes
I got my new CD
in the mail today
all the way from China
after hearing it
in a Thai restaurant
with you
sipping Curry
feeling beautiful
the music
is beautiful
and warm
just the thing
to go about my business

Monday, June 4, 2012

ah what life has thrown our way
times march
clocks tick
keep wolves at bay
for only so long
fellows lives
turn out strange
fellows lives
still lived in vain
your life different
now and then
not predicted
not allotted
just is
floating out there
somewhere in space
neither good or bad
it just is
I see the sadness
in their eyes
to replace
my ancient hate
and I see a glimmer
in their eyes
that shows the
potential path
of the hero
the potential
of a soul
who has or can
even if for a moment
the age old
ancient purpose
of earth


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

after a long vacation
of rattlesnakes and scorpions
carefree abandon
the deepest lake
I awoke
and declared
to the light
bursting forth
over the horizon
sitting up in bed
“look how beautiful
the sunrise is over the cliffs!”
As I awakened my sister
with my awe.
Only to find out
that we were still in Vegas
and I was merely
seeing the lights of the city
over the jagged curtains.


Thursday, May 17, 2012

he knows some interesting people

I only know

these days

not too interesting
but I can feel the
warm blood
pumping in there

and it means
I am alive.


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

give me a teacher
who don’t wear
no shoes

give me a guitar
so I can sing the blues

give me a crystal ball
so I can see what
the future may hold

give me a balm
for the foot of my soul

give me a song to sing
that will be just mine
give me some comfort
give me some time

give me a reprieve
from this whole damned mess
and may my heart be
and my path be blessed


Friday, May 11, 2012

the thing about being an underdog is
that I get other underdogs
while taking a prayer request
for someone today
who I am normally short on patience with
I found myself having
a profound sense
of compassion for him
and really listened
I mean really listened
to what he was telling me

this poor guy
just wants some clothes
some social security
some help for his health problems
as he’s sitting there in
his mothers house
after eye surgery
about to have another one in
several months
I don’t think this is a guy
that can help himself

he just wants to go
on a vacation somewhere
he just wants a good place
to live

and I said to myself and God
Dear God, give the kid a break
this guy needs a break
a windfall

that’s the thing about kindness
and having some things work out
for you
it makes you want them to work out
for everyone else too.

It makes you able to do something about it.
To feel useful.
There is a trick to this.
There is a definite lesson in this.

We really do get delight,
in giving delight to others.

Perhaps I am beginning
to learn the laws of prosperity?
In all ways. Prosperity is in love
money is energy
that fixes, solves or creates
but that energy is channeled
through God I believe

and maybe someone up there
sometimes on our behalf
says Dear God
give the kid a break


Thursday, May 10, 2012

I Know

I feel the angst
and the worry
in my body
i'm afraid...
it is killing me

it is palpable
it is a ball

then I realize
where it comes from

don't you know
that everything
in the universe
can feel everything else?

when you poke something
on one side of the galaxy
the other side feels it

don't you know
that I know about you
and what's going on
deep down?

When i admit this to myself
the feeling
of shit fades
because I know
my intuition
is right

I know when it has kicked in
and given me the answer

if only there was a way
to stop the signal
the transmission
of the game of doubt
the game of back and forth
you are playing with yourself

I would feel better
but you would never
utter the words

in the end
all things are revealed


Thursday, April 19, 2012

have you ever heard
of hot ass
acid scorching tears
that have been in the earth
for so long
with the lava
and pressure
and sulfur stinking
that if you cried them
they would burn you
to a melted
lump of liquified flesh
they would burn your eyes out
burn rivulets down
your face

you know
the kind of tears
children cry

the kind of tears children cry
when you know they
are not playing around
they are deadly serious
and mortally hurt
in the very depths of their
and as they cry
they profess
what is really wrong

and finally
everyone gets it

the anger burns
it’s burning a hole
through my solar plexus
reminding me
each day I awake
how angry I am
at you

for letting me down
for promises spoken
and never kept
for every plan, scheme
and bullshit
that fell out of your mouth
that said
it will get better
you will be rewarded
I’m gonna make it ok
in the future

It’s the future
it’s not ok


Monday, April 16, 2012


Sifting sorting
through life

sifting sorting
through years
making your piles
of what goes where

conducting an assessment
of your past
for a more efficient
well spent future

a present full of silence
but not atrophy
time ticking by
but not wasted

entered into
with yourself
and others

damage assessment
personal gains
what do you stand to loose?
These are all questions
we should be asking ourselves
in this crazy time
of change

because it’s at the door
it wants to come in now
it has no where else to go
but to come stay
and stir things up

to come stay
and teach us
a thing or two

to come stay
and make us wonder
how we ever lived
without it


Gratitude List

I have been kind of whiny and complainy lately.  I feel like just when I decide to change my attitude and really make the most of everything, something else goes amiss. I wonder what I am doing wrong,  Yesterday I decided to change my luck and start my day over.  It's the pain that I am seeing through the last few weeks that makes me feel that everything I touch turns to shit.  So I also remember to be grateful, as I looked at my bed this morning, that was oh so cozy and comfortable last night, with two comforters it was very warm.

I am grateful

to have such a nice bed that my father crafted with his own two hands, and for his help with the mattresses.

that I have a car, there was a brief time that I wonder how I would ever get another one

that I have a job and income, there was a time I did not

that I have a family that loves me and is teaching me that
love and kindness can come without strings or expectations. I'm learning.

that I have been given a nice place to stay
with beautiful trees and a forest
right outside the window
as I read I look out
and sigh of happiness.
It's quiet and that
is good

There was a time in my life,
I slept in my car. I did not
have a bed, a home,
I had removed myself
from my family.
Even though that time was brief
I think of it
as I settle into this transition place
and look upon my bed
and remember a time
when I really had nothing
at all.

I will look back on this time
as a moment
that I made it through
and did not let silly things
decide my path for me
I will be even more grateful
for the things that I have
and learn to relish
and cherish them
I will know that
I can make it through anything
I am making it through anything
some of it, may be some grand cosmic purpose
with a plan
some of it, may just be life
the wheel
sharpens my saw


Thursday, April 12, 2012


I trudged my load
up the hill
a little help if you will

must remember
up steep slopes
ends a summit
with high hopes

and the other side
is all down hill
to keep you
if you will

till at another foothill
you may come
after the last one
has been won

you take your load
and trudge again
and softly remember when
you trudged other
slopes behind you then

till there are no more slopes
no rocks and trees
no dangers
no hurts
or falling on knees


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost

Monday, April 9, 2012


This information is from a blog I found
It’s important to remember these things.
It puts it in easy to understand terms,
and sets out a simple course of action.

“Recovery causes a great deal of stress. Many addicts and alcoholics never learn to manage stress without alcohol or drug use, or do so only after many attempts at sobriety.  Our ability to deal with it depends on our willingness to take care of ourselves and maintain a healthy physical, emotional and spiritual lifestyle.  Repairing the damage to our nervous systems usually requires from six months to two years with a healthy program of recovery.  PAWS is the cause of most relapse in early recovery.”

Emotional overreaction or numbness 

People with emotional problems in early sobriety tend to over-react. When this overreaction puts more stress on our nervous systems than we can handle, we react by “shutting down” our emotions. We become emotionally numb, unable to feel anything. We may swing from one mood to another. These mood swings may baffle us, seeming to come without any reason, and may even be misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder.


Difficulty managing stress is the most difficult part of post acute withdrawal, and of early recovery in general. Early on, we may not be able to distinguish between low and high stress situations, because for so many years we managed stress by using mood-altering substances.

Worst of all, the other PAWS symptoms become worse when we are under stress, and this causes the stress to increase! There is a direct relationship between elevated stress and the severity of PAWS. Each amplifies the other.

At times of low stress, the symptoms of post acute withdrawal may lessen or even go away completely. When we are well-rested, relaxed, eating properly and getting along well with others, we seem to be fine.  It is easy to see how we can get careless at these times, and many a relapse has occurred when things seemed to be going just fine.

Get a reality check!

We need to ask someone if we are making sense — not just in what we’re saying, but also our behavior. We must be sure our perception of what is happening matches up with reality.

Self Defense

We are responsible for protecting ourselves from anything that threatens our sobriety, including anything that triggers post acute withdrawal symptoms. No one else can do it, because no one else can feel the warning signals. Learning about addictive disease, working a program of recovery, finding out more about PAWS—all of these things reduce the guilt, confusion and stress that intensify the symptoms and lead us to relapse. If we learn to do these things, we will begin to accept our own needs, and learn to be firm about letting other people, places and situations push us into reactions that threaten our sobriety.

We must identify our own stress triggers. Then we must learn to change them, avoid them, change our reactions, or interrupt the process before our lives get out of control again.

Balanced Living–the aim of recovery

Balanced living means that we are healthy physically and psychologically, and that we have healthy relationships with others and, more importantly, with ourselves. It means that we are spiritually whole. It means that we are no longer focused on just one aspect of our lives. That is no longer necessary. It means we are living responsibly, giving ourselves time for our jobs, our families, our friends, and time for our own growth and recovery. It means allowing a higher power to work in our lives, even if that is only the influence of people around us.  With balanced living, we addicts and alcoholics give up immediate gratification as a lifestyle, in order to attain fulfilling and meaningful lives.

It means a balance between work and play, between fulfilling our responsibilities to other people and our own need for self-fulfillment. It means functioning at our optimum stress level: maintaining enough stress to keep us functioning in a healthy way, but not overloading ourselves so that it becomes a problem.

Stress, in and of itself, is not necessarily bad. It can be the tension that keeps life interesting. But stress is unsafe for us until our new found ways of dealing with it are second nature. Until then, when it arises we run the risk of returning to our old ways of stress management.

Balanced living requires loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves. Nutrition, rest and exercise all receive the proper focus in our lives to provide energy, manage stress, allow freedom from illness and pain, fight fatigue, and rebuild our damaged bodies.

Freedom from physical distress allows psychological growth. When we feel good, it is easier to do the work we need to do, eliminate denial, guilt and anger, and move on to self-confidence, self-esteem and learning to feel good about ourselves.

Balanced living requires a strong social network that nurtures us and encourages a healthy, recovery-oriented lifestyle. This network provides a sense of belonging. It includes relationships in which we are a valuable part of a whole: immediate family members, friends, relatives, co-workers, counselors, therapists, employers, 12-step group members, and sponsors.

Recovery is not about quitting alcohol and drugs. It is about learning to live a life that does not require mood-altering chemicals to be worth living.

I have forgotten the importance of having fun, making time to have fun in my life.  I also added one too many things to my plate. I know where my focus needs to be now.  I pushed myself beyond some limits. It’s ok if there are some things I am not ready for yet. If my reactions and how I handle situations, like school on top of everything else cause a complete meltdown for me, it’s time to re-evaluate things. Environment is important, balancing life is important, we must include the good things, the simple things.  Sometimes we need to call a time out with others, and with ourselves and just get back to doing the basics to maintain a healthy sober life.  The rest will come in time, perhaps when we are more equipped to handle it.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Dangerous Complacency

I know things can be hard anywhere we go
I just need a different kind of hard right now
a potential for hardness or happiness
somewhere else.

I'm ready for a new set of problems.
I'm tiring of these old ones.
They, frankly, are getting boring,

If a new thing is hard,
that's ok,
I just want hard
somewhere else.


Tuesday, March 27, 2012


It’s no secret
not anymore
still float there
would it have
been different
in the home state
or is there
two different
or perhaps
those were the days
when my hand
fit in yours
it is no secret
I wanted to be
little forever.


Friday, March 23, 2012


So the below post was very emotional.
I asked for help from on high to a very
wise and spiritual woman
who wrote many Lessons
where I work.  She was a
spiritual teacher. 
When I asked for help from her,
and opened one of the books she
had written,
this is the answer I read and received:

"Never, never, never hate! If you cannot love, try to develop true neutral detachment after sending the person light, for hatred will establish an electromagnetic attraction between yourself and the hated one that must be overcome later on the mental level - a karmic tie."

I can send this person light.  I can try to detach myself from these feelings and situation mentally.  I don't have to spin my wheels trying to love this person. I just have to send them light and try to become neutral. What a great answer.


Thursday, March 22, 2012

Some Things I Am Chewing On

Watching a show on Wayne Dyers
"Wishes Fulfilled" last night
he said something that really struck a cord
with me.

He was talking about an interview he did with a reporter who asked him “so I can do ANYTHING I want if I practice what you are saying. I can become a line backer for the NY JETS if I want?”

Wayne Dyer responded with “does that feel natural to you?”  He talked about if things we wanted to do feel natural to us. If we can really see ourselves doing them and feeling how it would feel.

Do the goals I'm trying to achieve right now feel natural to me? Honestly, not really. But it’s hard because I’ve felt led do set out on some new ventures, ones I have started.  But maybe they are not right for me. Am I trying to compensate for the things I have not completed in my life?

Maybe I didn’t complete them because they did not feel Natural. Like massage therapy, I liked doing that for a while, but then I realized I was really stretching the core of who I am by holding myself to that. At times I feel very badly about this because someone else paid for my schooling and invested in me.

And Forestry. It was a struggle over 10 years ago when I was trying to achieve that. School Programs got cancelled. I made a substitution for Horticulture, not something, looking back at it I truly wanted to do.  And can I really imagine myself building trails, reading maps, doing Math, Math! For Christ’s sake, I hate math.

Does it feel natural, I really don’t know.  Is there something else I am supposed to get out of this? But then I think, life is short. Do I really want to go to school for a year and invest all of that, time, money, struggling with my fears and social anxiety, just to say, I did it?

In the wild, animals have a nitch.  A nitch is defined as:
niche   )
4. Ecology
a. The function or position of an organism or population within an ecological community.
b. The particular area within a habitat occupied by an organism.

What and Where is my Niche? I know this is an age old question and affects many people in their lives. Do we take intuition, synchronicity as a sign? Do we follow it?

If I had a dream, I would say it would be to put on a uniform everyday, and stand in a booth at 17 Mile Drive in Carmel, and take money, give maps, even empty trash, ride around checking on things. If I could do anything I wanted, this would be it. And thinking of this feels natural for me. Working in the Angeles Forest, the most used forest in the country with it’s throngs of people, animals etc. I can’t see it, I can’t feel it.
I know, I am a crazy dreamer, and I don’t finish things.  But I can’t finish things just for the sake of finishing them.  Is the above a crazy dream? Unrealistic? I don’t know.  Should I chase it? See where this all takes me? I running out of time.


Monday, March 12, 2012

Lotus Pose

Decisions are different
as you grow up
growing up
is a term used for
growing inside

the soul
seeps through
the skin
this is good

I had the worst
ideas when I drank
ideas I thought
were great
when I was inebriated
living in my own
little world

Solutions back then
were disastrous
and impulsive

now I wait
and take care
of the small things
that are important
right now

times are hard
very hard
but the realization of that
in and of itself
is a strange comfort
because times
never stay well
or hard forever
good comes back in

me today...
New problems
are not created
by my reactions
or behavior
what is to be dealt
is all that is to be
dealt with
right now
and nothing more


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

It’s not so far away, after all
say the snow capped mountains
under their blanket of clouds and cold
It’s in the unknown
It’s in your heart
it has already happened in the future
it has already happened in your past
lying in bed questioning God
lying in bed wondering
if there is a God
the frightening feeling
of what if you are wrong
or what if you are right
the odd feeling
that you are ok with either
just for a moment
until you return to your senses
whenever that may be.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I’ve spent a lifetime
wondering if people like me
when what I really needed to know
was if people love me.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Random Thoughts

Weight gain
what the fuck?
Why? Who?
Where? What?

Too many W’s
I would like to forget
it all
and go hiking today
up mountains
across streams and valleys
singing in my heart
clearing out my mind
reminding me of
what is really Important
reminding me
that I am a super
warrior princess
and don’t worry
about those silly things

give me some boots
give me a back pack
give me a sense of purpose
to climb a mountain
if I cannot do it figuratively
in my life
then I will do it


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Rusty Cage

I had a profound dream last night.
I used to listen to Johnny’s Cash’s Rusty Cage song while on my way to work in Redlands years and years ago. I would daydream about what if I just kept going, on through Palm Springs and wherever the road took me. For some reason, my first thought out of an uncomfortable situation is always to run away, and I did a few times. It never quite worked out.

In the dream last night I heard this song and knew, Breaking your Rusty Cage does not have to mean running away literally. You can break your Rusty cage by changing your consciousness. 


Monday, January 9, 2012

on the threshhold

I still don’t know who I am any more than I did a year ago. I just know that I’m not fucking up my life anymore with drinking. I have stripped myself down countless times so far on this journey, and I still don’t know what is underneath. Delayed by trying on new colors that just don’t feel like me. Whose hair is this? Whose clothes are these? Whose angry voice is this? What do I want, what do I need, what do I like? Why can’t I just feel good about myself? I feel more insecure as ever. What if he does not like me this way? It’s not a matter of like, it is necessity. What’s next? Feeling so unsure. Fully sure I should continue on this path. But I don’t know who I am still. Perhaps it will take many years. Perhaps I will never know. Perhaps I should stop worrying if people like my latest costume and just allow the transformation to take place. The show must go on. Do I like my costumes? I am afraid of what is underneath. Perhaps this is why I used alcohol or drugs all these years, to get away from that, cause I don’t know it. And it’s the end of the road, whatever is underneath is it, no refunds, no do overs. That’s it. And that’s scary. I am afraid to lift another veil. Maybe I will stay here for a while. Maybe I will find myself coming full circle into who I always was minus the addictive part of me. Minus the self destructive part of me.

Thursday, January 5, 2012


sometimes...I can feel my bones, and the ache. I can feel my arms touching the sides of my ribs as I curl inward from the cold, or tiredness, or insecurity.