Friday, January 20, 2012

Random Thoughts

Weight gain
what the fuck?
Why? Who?
Where? What?

Too many W’s
I would like to forget
it all
and go hiking today
up mountains
across streams and valleys
singing in my heart
clearing out my mind
reminding me of
what is really Important
reminding me
that I am a super
warrior princess
and don’t worry
about those silly things

give me some boots
give me a back pack
give me a sense of purpose
to climb a mountain
if I cannot do it figuratively
in my life
then I will do it


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Rusty Cage

I had a profound dream last night.
I used to listen to Johnny’s Cash’s Rusty Cage song while on my way to work in Redlands years and years ago. I would daydream about what if I just kept going, on through Palm Springs and wherever the road took me. For some reason, my first thought out of an uncomfortable situation is always to run away, and I did a few times. It never quite worked out.

In the dream last night I heard this song and knew, Breaking your Rusty Cage does not have to mean running away literally. You can break your Rusty cage by changing your consciousness. 


Monday, January 9, 2012

on the threshhold

I still don’t know who I am any more than I did a year ago. I just know that I’m not fucking up my life anymore with drinking. I have stripped myself down countless times so far on this journey, and I still don’t know what is underneath. Delayed by trying on new colors that just don’t feel like me. Whose hair is this? Whose clothes are these? Whose angry voice is this? What do I want, what do I need, what do I like? Why can’t I just feel good about myself? I feel more insecure as ever. What if he does not like me this way? It’s not a matter of like, it is necessity. What’s next? Feeling so unsure. Fully sure I should continue on this path. But I don’t know who I am still. Perhaps it will take many years. Perhaps I will never know. Perhaps I should stop worrying if people like my latest costume and just allow the transformation to take place. The show must go on. Do I like my costumes? I am afraid of what is underneath. Perhaps this is why I used alcohol or drugs all these years, to get away from that, cause I don’t know it. And it’s the end of the road, whatever is underneath is it, no refunds, no do overs. That’s it. And that’s scary. I am afraid to lift another veil. Maybe I will stay here for a while. Maybe I will find myself coming full circle into who I always was minus the addictive part of me. Minus the self destructive part of me.

Thursday, January 5, 2012


sometimes...I can feel my bones, and the ache. I can feel my arms touching the sides of my ribs as I curl inward from the cold, or tiredness, or insecurity.