Thursday, April 19, 2012

have you ever heard
of hot ass
molten
acid scorching tears
that have been in the earth
for so long
with the lava
and pressure
and sulfur stinking
shit
that if you cried them
they would burn you
to a melted
lump of liquified flesh
they would burn your eyes out
burn rivulets down
your face

you know
the kind of tears
children cry

the kind of tears children cry
when you know they
are not playing around
they are deadly serious
and mortally hurt
in the very depths of their
emotions
and as they cry
they profess
what is really wrong

and finally
everyone gets it

~Jenny
the anger burns
it’s burning a hole
through my solar plexus
reminding me
each day I awake
how angry I am
at you

for letting me down
for promises spoken
and never kept
for every plan, scheme
and bullshit
that fell out of your mouth
that said
it will get better
you will be rewarded
I’m gonna make it ok
in the future

It’s the future
and
it’s not ok

~Jenny

Monday, April 16, 2012

Audit

Sifting sorting
through life

sifting sorting
through years
making your piles
of what goes where

conducting an assessment
of your past
for a more efficient
well spent future

a present full of silence
but not atrophy
time ticking by
but not wasted

deals
carefully
entered into
with yourself
and others

damage assessment
personal gains
what do you stand to loose?
These are all questions
we should be asking ourselves
in this crazy time
of change

because it’s at the door
it wants to come in now
it has no where else to go
but to come stay
and stir things up

to come stay
and teach us
a thing or two

to come stay
and make us wonder
how we ever lived
without it



~Jenny

Gratitude List

I have been kind of whiny and complainy lately.  I feel like just when I decide to change my attitude and really make the most of everything, something else goes amiss. I wonder what I am doing wrong,  Yesterday I decided to change my luck and start my day over.  It's the pain that I am seeing through the last few weeks that makes me feel that everything I touch turns to shit.  So I also remember to be grateful, as I looked at my bed this morning, that was oh so cozy and comfortable last night, with two comforters it was very warm.

I am grateful

to have such a nice bed that my father crafted with his own two hands, and for his help with the mattresses.

that I have a car, there was a brief time that I wonder how I would ever get another one

that I have a job and income, there was a time I did not

that I have a family that loves me and is teaching me that
love and kindness can come without strings or expectations. I'm learning.

that I have been given a nice place to stay
with beautiful trees and a forest
right outside the window
as I read I look out
and sigh of happiness.
It's quiet and that
is good

There was a time in my life,
I slept in my car. I did not
have a bed, a home,
I had removed myself
from my family.
Even though that time was brief
I think of it
as I settle into this transition place
and look upon my bed
and remember a time
when I really had nothing
at all.

I will look back on this time
as a moment
that I made it through
and did not let silly things
decide my path for me
I will be even more grateful
for the things that I have
and learn to relish
and cherish them
I will know that
I can make it through anything
I am making it through anything
some of it, may be some grand cosmic purpose
with a plan
some of it, may just be life
the wheel
sharpens my saw

~Jenny

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Life

I trudged my load
up the hill
a little help if you will

must remember
up steep slopes
ends a summit
with high hopes

and the other side
is all down hill
to keep you
trudging 
if you will

till at another foothill
you may come
after the last one
has been won

you take your load
and trudge again
and softly remember when
you trudged other
slopes behind you then

till there are no more slopes
no rocks and trees
no dangers
no hurts
or falling on knees

~Jenny

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost

Monday, April 9, 2012

Explaination

This information is from a blog I found whatmesober.com
It’s important to remember these things.
It puts it in easy to understand terms,
and sets out a simple course of action.

“Recovery causes a great deal of stress. Many addicts and alcoholics never learn to manage stress without alcohol or drug use, or do so only after many attempts at sobriety.  Our ability to deal with it depends on our willingness to take care of ourselves and maintain a healthy physical, emotional and spiritual lifestyle.  Repairing the damage to our nervous systems usually requires from six months to two years with a healthy program of recovery.  PAWS is the cause of most relapse in early recovery.”

Emotional overreaction or numbness 

People with emotional problems in early sobriety tend to over-react. When this overreaction puts more stress on our nervous systems than we can handle, we react by “shutting down” our emotions. We become emotionally numb, unable to feel anything. We may swing from one mood to another. These mood swings may baffle us, seeming to come without any reason, and may even be misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder.

Stress

Difficulty managing stress is the most difficult part of post acute withdrawal, and of early recovery in general. Early on, we may not be able to distinguish between low and high stress situations, because for so many years we managed stress by using mood-altering substances.

Worst of all, the other PAWS symptoms become worse when we are under stress, and this causes the stress to increase! There is a direct relationship between elevated stress and the severity of PAWS. Each amplifies the other.

At times of low stress, the symptoms of post acute withdrawal may lessen or even go away completely. When we are well-rested, relaxed, eating properly and getting along well with others, we seem to be fine.  It is easy to see how we can get careless at these times, and many a relapse has occurred when things seemed to be going just fine.
                                   

Get a reality check!

We need to ask someone if we are making sense — not just in what we’re saying, but also our behavior. We must be sure our perception of what is happening matches up with reality.



Self Defense

We are responsible for protecting ourselves from anything that threatens our sobriety, including anything that triggers post acute withdrawal symptoms. No one else can do it, because no one else can feel the warning signals. Learning about addictive disease, working a program of recovery, finding out more about PAWS—all of these things reduce the guilt, confusion and stress that intensify the symptoms and lead us to relapse. If we learn to do these things, we will begin to accept our own needs, and learn to be firm about letting other people, places and situations push us into reactions that threaten our sobriety.

We must identify our own stress triggers. Then we must learn to change them, avoid them, change our reactions, or interrupt the process before our lives get out of control again.

Balanced Living–the aim of recovery

Balanced living means that we are healthy physically and psychologically, and that we have healthy relationships with others and, more importantly, with ourselves. It means that we are spiritually whole. It means that we are no longer focused on just one aspect of our lives. That is no longer necessary. It means we are living responsibly, giving ourselves time for our jobs, our families, our friends, and time for our own growth and recovery. It means allowing a higher power to work in our lives, even if that is only the influence of people around us.  With balanced living, we addicts and alcoholics give up immediate gratification as a lifestyle, in order to attain fulfilling and meaningful lives.

It means a balance between work and play, between fulfilling our responsibilities to other people and our own need for self-fulfillment. It means functioning at our optimum stress level: maintaining enough stress to keep us functioning in a healthy way, but not overloading ourselves so that it becomes a problem.

Stress, in and of itself, is not necessarily bad. It can be the tension that keeps life interesting. But stress is unsafe for us until our new found ways of dealing with it are second nature. Until then, when it arises we run the risk of returning to our old ways of stress management.

Balanced living requires loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves. Nutrition, rest and exercise all receive the proper focus in our lives to provide energy, manage stress, allow freedom from illness and pain, fight fatigue, and rebuild our damaged bodies.

Summary
Freedom from physical distress allows psychological growth. When we feel good, it is easier to do the work we need to do, eliminate denial, guilt and anger, and move on to self-confidence, self-esteem and learning to feel good about ourselves.

Balanced living requires a strong social network that nurtures us and encourages a healthy, recovery-oriented lifestyle. This network provides a sense of belonging. It includes relationships in which we are a valuable part of a whole: immediate family members, friends, relatives, co-workers, counselors, therapists, employers, 12-step group members, and sponsors.

Recovery is not about quitting alcohol and drugs. It is about learning to live a life that does not require mood-altering chemicals to be worth living.
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I have forgotten the importance of having fun, making time to have fun in my life.  I also added one too many things to my plate. I know where my focus needs to be now.  I pushed myself beyond some limits. It’s ok if there are some things I am not ready for yet. If my reactions and how I handle situations, like school on top of everything else cause a complete meltdown for me, it’s time to re-evaluate things. Environment is important, balancing life is important, we must include the good things, the simple things.  Sometimes we need to call a time out with others, and with ourselves and just get back to doing the basics to maintain a healthy sober life.  The rest will come in time, perhaps when we are more equipped to handle it.
~Jenny