Thursday, February 7, 2013

what do you know of sadness in the world?
I seem to work with it everyday.
I got a story today, from a lady, who
plays violin in an orchestra, and is sad
and lonely.
She wrote a story about her cat, being a
disciple of Jesus. There were pictures drawn
and everything. It was tender and beautiful,
but a little weird and I didn’t know what to
think of it at first. Then I read on about her cat
and how the cats owner gets lonely and sad,
and I felt bad.
What made me feel even worse, is that at the end,
it mentions that her cat died a few years ago.
It broke my heart.

Then I just sat there at my desk, and wished that
I had a job where I didn’t have to deal with
sad lonely peoples cat’s dying on them, and
a bunch of people
trying to figure out the reason we are here,
and the reason for the existence of the universe.
I asked myself, what do I know of
sadness in the world.
That’s my job. I used to think there was this
huge divine reason for it all, or it was my
“karma” to be where I’m at.
But then my doctor upped my anti-depressant
that was already working very well.
And don’t you know, I seem to be more
interested in logic now, in believing in
what I can see and feel.
I seem to be more interested in psychology
and science. I still believe in God, I always will.
But just maybe all these spiritual teachings are
not the end. Maybe we are meant to transcend
even the teachings, created by man, so that we can
fade into nothingness.
What is so bad about that?
At a party one time in Santa Ana
with a bunch of misfits and non conformists,
I smoked some pot from Humbolt, and a few
minutes later I realized I had ceased to have any
thoughts or awareness that I or the world existed.
I didn’t pass out or anything, I was just standing
there under the stars around a bunch of people
and then it was like I had come to

back from nothingness and I knew
that I had lost all consciousness
just standing there
staring up at the stars.
It felt so good after the fact.
I felt so free of my life and it’s
problems.
What is so wrong with believing
that everything is just as it appears,
there are no ghosts, masters, aura’s
formula’s, magic words or potions.
No invisible energy. No healing
each other by just sweeping our hands
around some ones body for Christ sakes.
There’s just loving each other,
trying to be the best person we can
to ourselves and one another,
and enjoying our fucking lives
for exactly what they are.

If we were meant to solve the
secret of the universe and find the
reason why we are all here,
we wouldn’t be here in the first
place. It just makes no sense that
that's what life is all about.
I believe it is impossible for us to know
while we are here. Impossible.
Maybe God said, here’s this really
cool place in space
with animals, and trees and sunlight,
go enjoy it and make up some games
to play, then come back and tell me
how it was.

~Jenny















Monday, February 4, 2013

dear self,
I release you for all you are not
all you feel you have to be
that image you feel needs
to be displayed to invoke
a certain opinion of you
or certain thoughts of you
I release you from every false
feeling, thought, pressure
expectation
I release you from needing the
acceptance of others
(but it is ok to want it,
just don’t need it)
I release you from all this
so you can get on with the life
you really want to live
so you can be relaxed, and real
in all situations
so you can stop wasting time
on silly things,
and follow your dreams.

~Jenny