Friday

When I was a little girl, Friday nights were special. It was the start of the weekend, sleeping in, no school, the eve of two glorious days off. We would usually go out to dinner–for a while it was Mc Donald’s, that was a big night out.  Me, my sisters, my brother, my mom and dad.  There was something so comforting about it.  Or it would be Mexican, where I would usually fall asleep in my chair after dinner in complete Friday contentedness and dream of the weekend ahead.

My brother and I would usually spend the rest of the night in the living room with my mom and dad watching Miami Vice, laying on the floor with hands under our chin on the big blue pillow. I always looked forward to this.  Or they would watch a movie with us–telling us to cover our eyes during love scenes.

As an adult, when I was married, Fridays were drive-in nights.  Which meant picking up our favorite dinner at Andy’s, a greasy spoon kind of place that had the best fried zuccini and ranch dressing in the world.  We would sit and wait for the movie to start, just talking and relaxing with that same content Friday feeling that all was right with the world for the weekend–no work, no alarm clock, free time to do beautiful satisfying things, or to just be with the people you love.

Later on in life, I may have developed some unhealthy habits, and I may have had some Friday’s of happy hours that lasted until 2:00am–especially in my twenties.  And while I am much more level headed now–I still feel a need to restore my Fridays to what they used to be.

Childhood memories come flooding in lately of what things used to feel like and be like. The right rhythm and flow to things.  Satisfaction, innocence, love, comfort, family. I choose to try to make my Fridays like this as an adult now. As someone who is growing up. They say we kind of go backwards to being childlike again as we get older–but in a lot of ways we grow up too.  I guess we all need a combination of both to be balanced and have a happy life.

Tonight, it’s dinner at Red Robin with my best friend and lover.  My little piece of family in addition to my family of origin. Then to Pet Smart to pick out some more presents for our little kitten, who is our newest addition to our unit.  Then...maybe a pay per view movie. (Too bad Miami Vice isn’t on anymore. But I guess it just wouldn’t be the same anyways). And all the while, the relief of Friday — as it should be—as it was meant to be..and dreams of a weekend of no work, no alarm clock, of time with people I love.  A canvas to fill with a happy, content life.

~Jenny

Blue skys remind me
of when I was a girl
in Ohio
wondering
where the blue in the sky
came from
just like I would look down
from the school bus
and see puddles
and the sky reflecting in them
and think that the puddles
were actually
deep pools of water
leading to unknown
and mysterious
worlds

~Jenny

2nd Chances

I felt a voice say this morning
like a hand on the shoulder
but with authority
you go back now

and I felt like I was
in Jr. High
I felt like that girl again
and it was frightening
but good at the same time

and I felt
a rewinding
and that it said
you start
from here
and do your growing
and becoming
the woman you are
all over again.

maybe this time
the right way

~Jenny

this is blank
there will be no
black birds
flying
from the wheat field
today
as Van Gogh
puts the gun
to his head

but there will also
be no
swirling colors
no ears cut off
no paint
eaten

is there
an in between

thoughts
can become
like drugs
too much of them
and your fucked up
and addicted
not enough
and it’s harder
to open up
your head

it’s medicine
it’s medicine
to live life
to find a new voice
perhaps
the real voice
that has lay
hidden
under
all the bullshit
the fears
the anxiety
the feeling
that I must have something
everything
right now
right this minute
I must gobble
up the world
and then nothing
for days
only darkness

maybe it will be better
to live in the constant
soft light of dawn
than the darkest of night
and the brightest of day

~Jenny

I’m lacking chuztpah
I’m lacking a
warrioresses heart
sometimes
we forget
we are not in a tower
wanting to be saved
the tower
is imaginary
we
are
heroines

but we get tired
sometimes
and one famine
after another
one defeat
after another
one challenge
to duel
after another
can eat the memory
and dissolve it
so that we forget
we are not Cinderella’s
we are not some
fucking
Disney
fairy tail princess

we are Zena
the warrior princess
we are Joan of Arc
we are fierce
with glowing eyes
and sword
at side
but nary have to battle
just due
to the fact
of our stature
because
those who would tread
on a princess
would never
tread
on a warrioress

~Jenny

this is the sound of breathing

this....
Is a year for meditation
as I lay in bed last night
waking still
I instinctively
started to breath in
and breath out
focusing
on that breath
the breath of life
and trying to relax
and breath away
the thoughts
and it helped
it was like a fish
being put back into
the water
after being on dry land
for so long
but once back in the water
my system took over
and I knew what to do
just breath
focus on the moment
watch the thoughts flow past
observe them coming and going
but not play with them
not examine them
or dive into them
they are dangerous
and distractions
must relax
must breath
must let God find me
underneath
all of this debris
must find my self
my higher self
but still not seek or grasp
just breath
focus on breath
on life within
which is really the spirit
that was created
that speaks sometimes
to me.