I find myself scrutinizing my relationships, how I act, and what I say lately, because, I find that I am becoming more uninhibited as I grow and become the real me. Instead of analyzing myself before I say or do something, as was the norm for a very long time, thus a lot of things did not get said or done, I now do it after the fact. I found this great article from Nancy M on Ordinary Vegan. (I am not Vegan, but I am into achieving emotional sobriety = ) I am also finding that if we constantly try to say or do things based on what others might think of us, we are in essence trying to control what others think of us. That's not a good thing, for us or them~it's...well, controlling, and manipulative, and it keeps me from knowing people and finding out about them, because if I'm busy scrutinizing my next sentence or trying to "behave properly" (my own expectations of how I think I should act) I am missing out on the questions I want to ask someone, and giving them feedback and finding common ground as a human with them. This is a very big deal for me, this stuff and next step I am learning. It's part of my process of growing into a real live grown up lady. We all have these challenges, I know, that's part of the beauty of it, we all go through this shit.
Here is the article I was lucky enough to find on the internet:
"Recently, I heard a speaker give a compelling lecture about “emotional sobriety”. I have never heard that phrase before, and I was immensely intrigued. Understanding emotional sobriety wasn’t hard. Basically, if you build your whole life around being loved and accepted, you may need emotional sobriety. Ask yourself these questions. Do you need to validate what you are doing from someone else and not yourself? Do you have relationships or do you take hostages? When someone asks, “who are you?”, what would be your answer? Often the answer is not who you are, but what you do. I know there have been many times in my life that I needed to be accepted by someone else to feel value, but now I am happy to say I have worked on that, and my center of gravity is no longer false. By the way, it isn’t easy, and it won’t happen overnight. Like everything, it takes practice. Here, are some things that worked for me.
1. Listen to what is most important to you (not others) and add your best self to it.
2. Instead of asking what you expect from life, ask what life expects from you.
3. Let go of your dependence on other people’s reaction. If you have good news, savor it before sharing it with others.
4. Learn to lick your own wounds. Comfort yourself when you are hurt or disappointed.
5. Stop taking your partner, friends or family’s behavior personally. Remember, everything they say and do is about themselves, not about you.
So how do you exist in this new world with this new set of rules? When you put these paralyzing dependencies behind you, you get a glimmer of what real happiness is. Remember, when you add more self to everything you do, it doesn’t mean your selfish. It means you are thoroughly engaged in the process of being and becoming your authentic self. When you live a life that is no longer ignoring your true gifts and talents, there is nothing more beautiful. Don’t be afraid. It won’t be long before others accept the new you, and love you more for it."