The Dove

by Jennifer Miller

I saw a dove today

struggling to fly 

in the wind.

A tan, beautiful, small dove

with accents of black, tan, dark brown and white.

She came to perch 

on the sprasley leaved tree

outside my patio

to shelter 

from the gusts of wind.

And there she rested

for a spell

until the gale had passed.

When I looked again

she had flown off.

Is it so wrong 

to perch on a branch?

In shelter from the gusts of wind in this life?

Until it is past and you can fly off again?

To find safety when you are struggling

to fly 

due to the uncontrollable forces

of nature?

Is it so wrong?

Far Far Away from Here

(Image from a card my mom--Laura Miller--Poet, Writer, Artist made for me)

 

Written 2/24/16

 

"Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far...far far away from here." -Jenny--from Forest Gump

 

 

Some days we just have to call it a wash. This is one of those days. You stop and ask yourself--what do I need to do to take care of myself today?  I only have to make it through these 8 hours. There is coffee, there is a warm shawl I can wrap myself in, there is acceptance that I cannot do my best today. I got out of bed, got dressed, I showed up. Some days that has to be enough.

 

 

I think of things to cope, like envisioning a beautiful forest scene only I can see beyond the wall I face every day. I can see into this place anytime I want. And moments, the ones that become part of your soul. What are your moments? Here is mine today:

 

 

I am a young girl, much stronger, magical, and hopeful than I am today. I am with my family in Mammoth Mountain on summer vacation.  We hike up to a plateau surrounded by tall mountains that are covered in an endless sea of dark evergreen tree friends standing at attention, watching. There are clouds in the sky with the sun poking through. I venture a little ways by myself, and stand on the plateau, those I love more than anything not so far away. The wind picks up and begins to blow through my little girl soul, through my hair, through the millions of trees on the steep mountain slopes, and there is the gentle rore of the wind blowing though trees sound, when all else is silent. It is strong, powerful, it is peaceful. It is one of my moments. I will go there, and that is where I will live today.

 

~Jenny Miller

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s like climbing a sheer rock cliff.

Sometimes there is a place to stick

The tips of my toes, no matter

How small, to hoist myself up just

A little farther to the top.

 

Sometimes there is absolutey

No..fucking…hole or crevice.

I stay stranded there in my gear

Ropes still, not knowing what

To do.

 

Repel down and start again?

Stay suspended, paralyzed,

Frozen?

 

And what is at the top anyways?

Why am I climbing this cliff in

The first place?

 

Perhaps there is no small crevice

Or hole, because humans were

Not meant to climb cliffs anyways.

 

Time to repel down, give up the futility

Drop my gear, change my clothes

and walk away?

 

~Jenny

Life

Come as you are

Fat, skinny

Happy, depressed

Rich, poor

Drunk, sober

Sick, healthy

 

Just come.

You are invited

To life

 

To live YOUR life as

YOU see fit

 

Show up empty handed

Nothing required of you

 

To be here, at eternity o’clock

 

You will be welcomed with open arms

By the seen and the unseen

 

~Jenny

You take your chances

You roll the dice

You might win…for now

You might lose.

 

If you lose,

What’s your next game?

What are your odds?

Even if they’re against you,

You still play the game,

If you have that itch,

That twitch, that feeling

To bet on horse number two.

 

This is life.

You have to keep betting

You have to keep playing

You have to keep planning

Your way out.

Because what’s the alternative?

The alternative is to do nothing.

And you can die a slow painful

Inner death doing nothing.

 

So you lost this one.

That’s ok.

You’ve lost for years now.

Winning streaks don’t last forever,

Neither do loosing.

 

There’s another game on the horizon

If you look for it.

You’ll live through it to roll

Your dice another day.

 

Maybe, just maybe one of these days,

…… snake eyes.

 

~Jenny

11/15/15

The Job Club

It’s 5:30.We all file in, wearing white shirts, black pants.

All white shirts are different and reveal our station in life.

Perhaps some don’t have your standard white shirt,

Some are dress shirts, some are polo shirts, some are T-shirts.

Then there are those who do not have a white shirt at all.

And that’s ok. I know it’s all ok, whatever shirt you were

Able to find.

I have a friend with me who needs a job too. That is good.

Good that we came together.

We check in. She is there, the one I had an interview with

8 months ago and never heard from again. But they need us

Now. For one day, they are like Santa, came to pick us up

From the island of misfit toys for Christmas. Does she know,

Does she understand? She is in a daze. Perhaps she was never

Able to see us, never able to help us through her fake glued on

Eyelashes. I am angry inside, angry for myself, angry for all

Of us standing there in line in our mishmash of black pants

And white shirts.

We sit in the brake room, waiting for our instructions. It smells

Like shit. Literally. It’s dark in here like a dungeon, but we are all together

As each files in and sits down, with knowing smiles exchanged between us.

There is togetherness and an acceptance we find amongst ourselves.

These are writers, poets, painters, craftsmen and women of life.

These are children, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends.

Each with a special known or unknown, perhaps untapped hidden gift

Of their own. Why is life like this, why is life set up this way?

There is talk of Temp companies. There is talk of recruiters.

The store supervisor comes in and is asked by one of us if they are hiring.

The reply is not until October, but I silently applaud her for

Trying. I do not have the heart to tell her that now she is here

She will not be eligible for direct hire for six months.

We are given our scanners. We work in silence passing the red

Light over bar codes.

Beep, Beep

Beep, Beep

At times there is a rhythm, our beeps answering each other.

There is kindness and warm smiles amongst us in the silence.

These poor folks that may have been forgotten. These poor

Folks that were thrown a crumb from the table for a day.

It has become a privilege to have a job. Everyone is just trying

To hold on. Hold on to what they have, or hold on until they

Have something. This is America. This is Jack Kerouac’s new

Beat generation. And it’s all wrapped up in God, and poetry

And a terrible sacred beat journey, together.

~Jenny

Bored.

Bored.

Bored with the internet, bored with the struggles.

I have reached a strange place in my life.

There is too much information out there.

We are bombarded every day.

For example, I was just surfing the net.

Articles about topics that used to interest me

Like Ceres, there are new pictures.

Do I want to read this long ass article? No.

Because they aren’t going to tell us what those lights are.

Do I want to read the article about Russian planes by

US Navy ship? No because nothing has happened and

Probably won’t.

Do I want to read the article about how California could

Potentially have a massive earthquake due to faults in the

Ocean? No because it hasn’t happened and might not.

Bored.

I have experienced intense sparkling  light and dark nights of

Soul.

Over came these and the overcoming of them was a topic

For years. Now it seems a non issue. I am bored with the

Fact it all happened, and I am finally bored of the overcoming of it.

So what’s next? I can understand now why there is this huge universe,

Possibly multiversus and infinite possibilities, because being a human

Becomes boring after a time.

I have reached a state of blissful apathy.

I don’t care anymore that I have been struggling to work for almost a year.

I don’t care anymore that my partner has been out of work for

Over 5 years. I’m tired of the stress and the struggle.

So I gently renounce it.

I will do the next best thing for survival, but this apathy thing

Feels kind of nice.

I just admitted to myself and God in the wee hours of the dark

Morning how very hard the last year has really been.

It was not safe to go there until now, but I felt how very painful

And grueling it has all been day after day, night after night.

And it didn’t break me. It was just facing stark reality in a safe place.

And I was able to have compassion for myself.

So this boredom feels somewhat like an epiphany,

It’s warm and light, it’s who I truly am at my core,

Is this a form of enlightenment? Everything has been

Stripped away now, and all that remains is LOVE.

Just love.

I watched Starman last night.

In it the alien says they have been watching us for

Quite some time, we are a beautiful and unique species,

In that we are at our best when things are at their worst.

These days I find the only thing that brings me true happiness

And unbores me, is helping others where I can. Spending time

With those I love, and loving them. Showing the young what

Has made me truly happy in my life past and present.

I’m ok with that. This is where I have reached, sitting under a

Boring tree of apathy, boredom and finding love.

Perhaps humans are the only species in the universe

That can love.

 

-- Jenny