35 & 5 months

Apartment #G

During those days
I would always think about
what we were going to make
for dinner
was I food obsessed?
Or comfort obsessed?
Normal life obsessed
or reveling
in it anyways
he was always home first
due to the latest lost job
or a different schedule
than mine
or during some periods
he would pick me up from work
and we would drive home
together
the best of these times 
was when it was raining
and we would come in our dark
apartment
and shake off the water
and the cold
and curl into
togetherness
those were the hamburger helper days
back then, drinks were iced tea
milk, kool-aid
we had a bottle of tequila
and margarita mix
in a cabinet
above the fridge
that lasted well over a year
and were thrown out nearly full
as we really had no use for them
the smells
the way the light was back then
in the fall and winter
the ridiculously huge box
of fire works
on the 4th of July
the bigger than average pumpkins
the homemade potato salad
him baking cakes into the early hours
of the the morning
to get just right
me sitting in the middle of the kitchen
on a chair
keeping him company
eating the mistakes
that didn't make the cut
big nights out
were at the drive in
where we would pick up a special dinner
before hand
and wait until sunset
with our mouths watering
to dig into the feast
with the special ranch dressing
talking about jobs
and common things
sitting there in the passenger seat
with the awarness
that I was happy
so happy
I thought I had all my ducks in a row
and in my reality
I did, we did
how do you chase a feeling
how do you chase a state of being
that you have been denied of
and have denied yourself of
for so long.

~Jenny

As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness.
Henry David Thoreau

The State of The Union

I just now figured out
at 35
that outside events
that I had no control over
decisions people in my life made
that I had no control over
were not reflections
of my progress, state of spirituality
or mental health at that time
I cannot measure
my state of being
and whether I was ok or not
good or bad
by these facts
by others paths
why o why
has it taken me sooo long

~Jenny

Pippi Brasco

Have you ever noticed,
that good mobsters
do not directly say
what it is they are going to do to someone
they just imply
what it is that could happen
if they should become unhappy
with the service they are receiving
or with the possibility
of disappointment
that could possibly occur
if they should be
say betrayed,
bothered
put out
or if a job
does not get done
it’s quite eloquent
actually
if you look at it
for example
“if such and such and such....happens
or if you do such and such and such
We’re going to go for a little ride”
while a less than classy mobster would say
I’m gonna wack you over the head
with a shovel
and bury you in a hole
in the middle of no where
or for example
“I will personally deliver it to you”
can mean, your not gonna like it
what I am bringing to you
it’s not a favor
just sounds like one
where the less classy mobster
would just say
I’m gonna come down there myself
and beat your ass
very interesting

~Jenny

Mr. James

Mr. James, Mr. James
where you get your bottle from
Mr. James, Mr. James
out there
workin’ hard
in the sun
you skin is tan
your mind tired
you still don’t have the answers
ev’en tho you been hired
by the Jehovah’s witness man
who tell you your full o’ the devil
for your beliefs
maybe your soul
is too big for Jesus
and he’s afraid he gonna fall in
or your afraid he gonna swallow you up
and love you forever
Your momma
she’s worried
your sisters and brothers
they're tired
put down that bottle
go on to work
‘for you get fired
and shows up at her door
all nice hard workin’
and tan
give it a spell
to do for yourself
and show her
that man
seems to me, that sometimes
you gots to keep your beliefs
to yourself
and go on about your business
and do
what you gotta do
for you

~Jenny

(This is about a lost soul who continues to call in for help where I work.  Won’t you please say a prayer for “Mr. James” in Chilicothe Ohio tonight?)

Woman In The Moon

A Palestinian woman reads from the Quran, Islam's Holy book, as the moon shines during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, in the West Bank city of Nablus, Sunday Aug 22, 2010.

(AP Photo/Nasser Ishtayeh)

Retired

Up each day around 6:00am
too many days
cereal, juice
and a long drive
in traffic
playing the part
airplanes
hotels
meetings
suits
dry cleaners
so today
it is good
that
that is gone now
and that he wakes
most days
when his body tells him to
not to the sound of an “alarm”
and that he takes dogs to vets
and goes on vacations
and jokes that everyday
is like the weekend to him
as he rightfully so
loses track of time

~Jenny

Pakistan

During those times
it matters not if you are rich
or poor
we are all put on this earth
with not even a shred
of clothing
with only our fingernails
teeth
eyes
and the fruits
of organs that lay inside
During those times
it does not matter
who you would vote for
for president
that you are wary from your job
you have no where to go
when you are displaced
wandering the land
that you were given to
we are all naked

~by Jenny

Rest Stop

Kaw your eyes are so blue
blue like the ocean
where you fly over
and drop an olive branch
that plants a seed
that grows a tree
for all the Caws
to rest on the branches
and feast on olives
during their flight
across the sea

~Jenny

The Artist

I would like to learn
how to tenderly
lay out the images
drawing the figures
gently
with loose
but attentive hand
lovingly tracing the figures
and objects
as if I knew them
and create life in them
on the canvas
to trace their hair
and fill it in with jet black
put a sparkle in the eye
a story to the way
they hold their hand
give them a nice table
or couch
to sit on
for eternity

~Jenny

Enough

A few cigarettes
a place to live
a job
a few beers
homemade food
in the belly
people to love
a car
some dreams
clean sheets
clean home
air freshener
nature
dogs
cats
changing seasons
holidays
hugs
pats on the back
it’s enough

~Jenny

A Little Bit of Everything

"Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."
— Gibran Khalil Gibran (The Prophet)

The coffee tasted different this morning
with it’s warmth and sweetness
the smells were different too
and recalled many mornings
waking on my own
there is beauty in both togetherness
and separateness
but oh how to find the balance
and quell the fears
and not step on feelings
driving in Mercedes
with the soft lull
of engine
Natalie Merchant serenades me
on my way to a place this morning
I have obligations
and almost did not make it
but after a shower
and a cup of wakefulness
and comfort
I feel magically recharged
On my station
there are comedies, dramas,
action, tragedies
we are on 24/7
with the occasional
boring commercials
in between
but each show does not go on
forever
If you don't like it
change the channel

~Jenny

Kashmir

I am running out of make-up remover

I need more progesterone cream

I would like to cook a shepard's pie

on Sunday

what am I going to do about all these bills

silly thoughts

compared to the looks on their faces

put a veil

over my head

and send me to Kashmir

 it could be my father

yelling for help

staring back at me

my mother holding on

my brother afraid

or I could be the father

or the mother

or the brother

there are always those 

in the world

at any given moment

who need to borrow a heart

a prayer

and some compassion.

~Jenny

On Guard

There is something out there
that would love to see me fail
but I have an understanding with the soul
and do not intend to fail her again
I have an appointment with destiny
I have reservations being held
for the best of the best
and those he sends through my door
with smiling faces
and big hearts
to match those he is giving me
there is no room for darkness
and I must diligently guard my door
from even the tiniest black mist
that may slide under the crack
if I entertain those again
who do not necessarily mean harm
but could so subtly
undermine the whole operation
if given enough rope
one thread at a time
to hang me

~Jenny

St. Francis And The Sow

The bud
stands for all things,
even those things that don't flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing;
as St. Francis
put his hand on the creased forehead
of the sow, and told her in words and in touch
blessings of earth on the sow, and the sow
began remembering all down her thick length,
from the earthen snout all the way
through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of
the tail,
from the hard spininess spiked out from the spine
down through the great broken heart
to the blue milken dreaminess spurting and shuddering
from the fourteen teats into the fourteen mouths sucking
and blowing beneath them:
the long, perfect loveliness of sow. 

by Galway Kinnell