Thursday, March 22, 2012

Some Things I Am Chewing On

Watching a show on Wayne Dyers
"Wishes Fulfilled" last night
he said something that really struck a cord
with me.

He was talking about an interview he did with a reporter who asked him “so I can do ANYTHING I want if I practice what you are saying. I can become a line backer for the NY JETS if I want?”

Wayne Dyer responded with “does that feel natural to you?”  He talked about if things we wanted to do feel natural to us. If we can really see ourselves doing them and feeling how it would feel.

Do the goals I'm trying to achieve right now feel natural to me? Honestly, not really. But it’s hard because I’ve felt led do set out on some new ventures, ones I have started.  But maybe they are not right for me. Am I trying to compensate for the things I have not completed in my life?

Maybe I didn’t complete them because they did not feel Natural. Like massage therapy, I liked doing that for a while, but then I realized I was really stretching the core of who I am by holding myself to that. At times I feel very badly about this because someone else paid for my schooling and invested in me.

And Forestry. It was a struggle over 10 years ago when I was trying to achieve that. School Programs got cancelled. I made a substitution for Horticulture, not something, looking back at it I truly wanted to do.  And can I really imagine myself building trails, reading maps, doing Math, Math! For Christ’s sake, I hate math.

Does it feel natural, I really don’t know.  Is there something else I am supposed to get out of this? But then I think, life is short. Do I really want to go to school for a year and invest all of that, time, money, struggling with my fears and social anxiety, just to say, I did it?

In the wild, animals have a nitch.  A nitch is defined as:
niche   )
4. Ecology
a. The function or position of an organism or population within an ecological community.
b. The particular area within a habitat occupied by an organism.

What and Where is my Niche? I know this is an age old question and affects many people in their lives. Do we take intuition, synchronicity as a sign? Do we follow it?

If I had a dream, I would say it would be to put on a uniform everyday, and stand in a booth at 17 Mile Drive in Carmel, and take money, give maps, even empty trash, ride around checking on things. If I could do anything I wanted, this would be it. And thinking of this feels natural for me. Working in the Angeles Forest, the most used forest in the country with it’s throngs of people, animals etc. I can’t see it, I can’t feel it.
I know, I am a crazy dreamer, and I don’t finish things.  But I can’t finish things just for the sake of finishing them.  Is the above a crazy dream? Unrealistic? I don’t know.  Should I chase it? See where this all takes me? I running out of time.


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