Talks In Bathrooms

“Well who are some of your favorite authors?”
She said as she stood in front of the bathroom sink
washing her hands at work.                           
“Hmmm, I wonder if Anne Lamott smokes?”

“I don’t think so, she used to drink it up, smoke do drugs.”
But if she’s not doing everything else anymore, then she
probably isn’t smoking, and she’s pretty hip, pretty bad,
and a good writer, has that artistic tragic yet spiritual look
about her, she has dread locks, she still cusses, I think.”

“Of course there’s Jack Kerouac–but he smoked for sure,
he also died of alcoholism in his forties, and kind of
embarrassed himself in public in his later years, before
becoming a recluse, it wasn’t so funny or ‘yeah man, yeah’
anymore, he got to that age where you either stay the course
and possibly die, or switch gears and wonder if you did
the right thing the rest of your old life.”

Thinking all of this while thinking why it’s a constant
struggle between wanting to be the lady and wanting
to be the bad girl.  Do I want to smell like Vodka and beer
and cigarettes and bars with the slight hint of perfume?
Or do I want to just smell like perfume and a good nights
sleep and “normal” life.

“I swear to God, sometimes I feel like one of those
childhood stars, like there were the lights, the glitz,
the glamour, the I don’t give a F*ck, running around
in ripped jeans, with fancy trashy tank tops ordering
up beers at the bar with a side of man. But we outgrow
that, if we’re really honest with ourselves, don’t we?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure we do, but it’s a hard decision
it’s like, do you want to get off the plane before you know
there will be a mechanical malfunction, or do you want
to ride it down in flames and hope that your parachute
works at the last minute, and then act like it was your
idea to save yourself, “no-sweat” you’ll say as you pack up
 your chute and tell them you’d like to take the bus home now
and don’t think you’ll be flying anymore cause
you just don’t feel like it.”

“Or maybe, just maybe lady, this is all a bunch of brainwash
bullshit, but for certain, no matter how you roll the dice,
it’s a gamble either way.  You just don’t know yourself anymore.”

~Jenny