Thursday, March 18, 2010

New Year's Resolutions (Uncensored)

This year I made two new year’s resolutions. The first is to gain more control over my emotions. The second is to make an effort to overcome my shyness and social anxiety by practicing some techniques when talking to new people and being in a social setting, I was getting lazy and scared and wasn’t even trying.  So far these have made a big difference in my life, especially trying to gain control over my emotions, this includes reminding myself to stay in the middle whether I’m feeling super sad/mad/or afraid about something or super-happy.  Emotions can be so dangerous if we react from them or let them rule our lives, they always pass, but the consequences from reacting from them can last a long time.

Now I have come to another realization, that I am very judgmental, which is ironic because I have done many things in my life that could be judged negatively by others, and it is the people who chose to be loving, understanding and patient with me, rather than judging me that got me through.  They gave me the space and time to come to my senses, and with most things, I have.  I realize that by being judgmental, I am being hypo-critical and may be robbing myself of  possible friendships, seeing others points of view, and maybe having some great conversations that let me see how someone else see’s the world.  So, I’m having to remind myself when I find I am developing a judgement of someone to see them differently and be open to who they are, not what I think of them, cause I could be wrong.

For some reason, and I don’t know if everyone does this, I think that everyone should be at the same place I am, and only see things from that perspective which is so odd.  I don’t understand it.  It’s funny to observe ourselves and wonder, “where the hell did that come from.”  It’s especially hard to do with someone I love.  This person is having a hard time coping with life, feels victimized by circumstance right now, and seems to be blaming everyone else–there I go judging again.  But the truth is, maybe that’s the only way he can see the world right now.  I shouldn’t expect him to have my glasses on.  I used to be very much like this, thinking that the consequences of my choices and actions somehow had something to do with everyone and thing but me.  I still struggle from time to time–but the difference is, I know this now.  But I can’t expect him to just because it would be so much easier for ME.

However, I have choices too.  I cannot change anyone (see the serenity prayer-I have to say it a lot lately) but I get to have a voice and say how I feel, and I am willing to deal with the consequences of him being angry at me for that, because it would be worse for me to not speak up and I’m not doing him any favors by being dishonest about my true feelings.  But he sees this as an attack rather then an opinion or just how I feel.  He doesn’t like it when I tell him he made choices the last decade that are no one else’s responsibility, to stop wallowing in self-pity etc.  But I’m also trying to think of how I would feel if I were him. It’s hard–but I was him before–but I also made some different choices and I just do not understand.

So when trying to be aware of judging people and change that, I should include myself. I am making a choice to react how I am and voice that and it feels right in my heart, I am doing the right thing by me.  But maybe I can stop coming from the far left or right with him and try to stay in the middle.  I always have choices too, and will deal with the consequences, just like he gets to make any choices he wants, but then he will have to deal with the consequences too.

3 comments:

Laura Bray said...

A very healthy post Miss J. Thirty five is looming and looking like it's going to be a very good year for you. I'm proud of you for seeing what you want to change and doing the work. Insert standing ovation here.

By the way, being judgemental may run in the family...I'm just saying. (Off I go, whistling with my hands behind my back. Who me?)

Notes From Pippi said...

Insert bow and thank you here. 35's gonna be great- lovin'life, lovin'you. Being judgemental runs in the family??...no way, you crack me up.

Laura said...

I judge you--healthy and wise. Self awarness is like a pair of Jimmy Choo's ( or however you spell it) Of course you want it, you have to work hard to get it, you pay a high price for it, you are proud of yourself when you wear it and it pinches like hell.
A tip for avoiding judgement when you are trying to help someone. Say your piece but stay out of the results. All of gur hard work sure looks good on you.