A Crumby Situation

“The collider has been dogged by problems. It made headlines late last year when a bird apparently dropped a "bit of baguette" into the accelerator, making the machine shut down.”
(CNN-Hadron Collider breakthrough as beams collide
March 30, 2010 7:42 a.m. EDT)

“Fly my feathered friend Fly!”

“How the hell did a bird get in here!”


The foxes and rabbits watched as Quetzalcoatl

dropped the crumb. The crumb that would affect

all of humanity.

“The particle must not be discovered.”

So they were either pecking at their lunch,

when they realized there was an emergency

of the fate kind,

or it was a carefully calculated plan.


The mysteries of the universe are safe for another day.

But we have to ask, why not an English Muffin or Pastry?


~Jenny

Bones

Beauty of skin is fleeting,

give me bones.

Age comes too quickly,

and the skin tells the story

of every bar you ever drank in.

Every cigarette you ever smoked,

every man that ever did you wrong.

Give me bones.

“She’s younger than you”

he says.

Heartbroken, she knows.

Put something in the bank

for a rainy day

and “retirement”

cause the extensions fall out,

the lashes thin,

the hair goes brittle,

and the light of the world fades.

The inner must become greater,

if grace is to be achieved through these years.

The fat must fall off,

cause the competition’s stiffer.

And one by one,

all of your assests fall away.

Give me bones

that show through skin.

To let me know

there’s still youth within.

~Jenny

I thought maybe I wanted to be a writer,
but I already am,
and that is not what I want.
I thought I wanted to be an artist,
but I already am,
and that is not what I want.

I want to read books.
I want to breath in the fresh air each day.
I want to watch the movies and shows I love.
I want to play games.
I want to wake up each morning.
And go to bed each night.
I want to make my home nice.
I want to spend a lot of time there.
I want to be around the people that I love.
I want to quietly conquer and enjoy each day.
And wait for the next instructions.
I want to know what the sparkly secret
is that lies hidden in the soul.

~Jenny

New Year's Resolutions (Uncensored)

This year I made two new year’s resolutions. The first is to gain more control over my emotions. The second is to make an effort to overcome my shyness and social anxiety by practicing some techniques when talking to new people and being in a social setting, I was getting lazy and scared and wasn’t even trying.  So far these have made a big difference in my life, especially trying to gain control over my emotions, this includes reminding myself to stay in the middle whether I’m feeling super sad/mad/or afraid about something or super-happy.  Emotions can be so dangerous if we react from them or let them rule our lives, they always pass, but the consequences from reacting from them can last a long time.

Now I have come to another realization, that I am very judgmental, which is ironic because I have done many things in my life that could be judged negatively by others, and it is the people who chose to be loving, understanding and patient with me, rather than judging me that got me through.  They gave me the space and time to come to my senses, and with most things, I have.  I realize that by being judgmental, I am being hypo-critical and may be robbing myself of  possible friendships, seeing others points of view, and maybe having some great conversations that let me see how someone else see’s the world.  So, I’m having to remind myself when I find I am developing a judgement of someone to see them differently and be open to who they are, not what I think of them, cause I could be wrong.

For some reason, and I don’t know if everyone does this, I think that everyone should be at the same place I am, and only see things from that perspective which is so odd.  I don’t understand it.  It’s funny to observe ourselves and wonder, “where the hell did that come from.”  It’s especially hard to do with someone I love.  This person is having a hard time coping with life, feels victimized by circumstance right now, and seems to be blaming everyone else–there I go judging again.  But the truth is, maybe that’s the only way he can see the world right now.  I shouldn’t expect him to have my glasses on.  I used to be very much like this, thinking that the consequences of my choices and actions somehow had something to do with everyone and thing but me.  I still struggle from time to time–but the difference is, I know this now.  But I can’t expect him to just because it would be so much easier for ME.

However, I have choices too.  I cannot change anyone (see the serenity prayer-I have to say it a lot lately) but I get to have a voice and say how I feel, and I am willing to deal with the consequences of him being angry at me for that, because it would be worse for me to not speak up and I’m not doing him any favors by being dishonest about my true feelings.  But he sees this as an attack rather then an opinion or just how I feel.  He doesn’t like it when I tell him he made choices the last decade that are no one else’s responsibility, to stop wallowing in self-pity etc.  But I’m also trying to think of how I would feel if I were him. It’s hard–but I was him before–but I also made some different choices and I just do not understand.

So when trying to be aware of judging people and change that, I should include myself. I am making a choice to react how I am and voice that and it feels right in my heart, I am doing the right thing by me.  But maybe I can stop coming from the far left or right with him and try to stay in the middle.  I always have choices too, and will deal with the consequences, just like he gets to make any choices he wants, but then he will have to deal with the consequences too.

And More Art Journal Pages

I love the thought of incorperating art and writing. I want to do so much more of this.  Here's a sample.

Why do you paint your face?
What is the use of it all–
especially when you are stuck in India
staring into a camera, with a smile.
Words can mean nothing.
I am so far behind you.
Where did you buy your wisdom, and your big words?
Is there a prerequisite.
I try to remind myself it is just for fun,
but I have all of these dreams fuming inside of me.
Leaping out of me when least expected.
Who would think of creating the lamps
that really work on canvas, and a table setting–
that you can hang up.
Why do they come to me with these crazy ideas
that I cannot afford, and do not know where to begin
to execute.
What if I was given the space.
What if I gave MYSELF the space,               
to do these things.
I would have a half dozen unfinished projects.
I suppose I should start small and slow.
But it doesn’t help that a piece of me
wants to have an all out art and creativity
massacre-carnival-explosion-war-
and I want you to look at it all when it’s done.
I want you to look at it and see it.
Why? So that I can prove it exists?
So I can prove to myself that I exist?
Why do you paint your face?

~Jenny Miller

All babies look the same when they are born,
Can’t remember what it feels like to be lonely,
but will have to be lonely again...someday.
Is it a choice? To be lonely?
Or collect people,
especially one favorite one so that we
are never alone really?
I wish I could remember,
and at the same time,
I wish I could forget.

~Jenny Miller

Art

This is some of the art I've done in the last few months--

Ocean Sunset--Jenny Miller

Junk Mail--Jenny Miller

I made this collage from coupons in the Sunday paper.  They don't get used even with the best of intentions-so I decided to do something creative with them.

Untitled--Jenny Miller

Art Journal Pages--Jenny Miller

Burried Treasure

There are planets orbiting today,
I can’t go to work–
There is potential for a Hyder Flare on the sun today,
I cannot go to work–
There is dark matter out there,
I mustn’t go to work–
There are mysteries being solved by telescopes,
traveling through space,
I cannot go to work--
they think warp drive would kill us,
we haven’t found a way yet,
and there are all those galaxies,
stars and planets waiting for us,
we cannot go to work–
There are too many other things to do,
I had a dream that heaven can wait,
and I should not bury my coins,
and save them up to buy a celestial crown,
I should spend and multiply them here,
I do not want to die before I do all these things.
I do not want regret, when it is too late,
sorry, have to go,
and get back to work.

~Jenny Miller

T.E.M. Incorporated

I like that you like chocolate milk,
that when you used to run to the store
when we were little,
you always came back with the same things,
milk, cereal, bananas and some kind of crackers.
I like that when you find something you like,
you hold onto it like a pitbull,
whether it is Chinese food this week,
Chicago style pizza the next,
or Lady Gaga.
I like that every place you visit
you come home with a hat or a t-shirt
for proof.
I like that you always loose your cell phones.
I think it’s funny.
I like how you are always doing something,
whizzing around in your truck
to drop off the trash,
or fill in a hole,
or dig a hole.
I like when we were little
that you always wore flannel shirts,
and smelled like fresh cut wood,
in Ohio,
I like that you would take us on walks
to look for Buckeyes.
I like that you like that processed turkey loaf,
with gravy, and Chung King in a can.
I like that you are inappropriate sometimes,
and tell bad jokes in the wrong places,
I think this is funny too.
Most of all, I like that you are my dad.

~Jenny Miller

These Things

There are things that we do not understand,
and that we should not try to understand,
and just sit back,
and accept
that someday
we will travel past star dust.
And witness the birth of new galaxies,
and we will just like the sight of it,
and the feel of it.
We will want it to fill our nostrils
and our souls.
There will be no secrets whispered here,
until he is ready to give them to each of us,
in our own lives,
in his own time.
If you force something that will not budge,
it is not soft enough yet,
it is not pliable,
and may break,
and eventually leave us feeling at a loss,
and feeling brittle ourselves.
The wobble of the earth does not matter,
it was destined to be this way,
at this time,
for a reason unknown,
thank God we do not have to figure it out.

~Jenny Miller

(quote from The Martian Chronicles: "Destroy nothing, humble nothing, look for fault in nothing." Live life for the pure joy of being. )